Teasers for "Your Body" revealed Xtina's newest video look would be bright and braggy, thanks to colorful hair extensions and name plate necklace correctly dubbing her a "Rich Bitch." Rest easy, Linnethia Leakes. You're still "very rich, bitch," especially now that you're cashing Ryan Murphy checks.
Now with a full clip and a plausible through-line, we see Christina is a just a regular homebody who enjoys watching cartoons, eating cereal and taking advice form her online astrologer. Given the hot tip that she's in store for an above average week, she leaves her desert trailer behind and hits the road with a studly chauffeur.
In addition to breaking several traffic laws by mounting her driver, she stops at a roadside bar to use and be used in the restroom. Four feet enter, and suddenly we're watching the mother engage in... bathroom sex? Bathroom splatter painting? Bathroom cannibalism?
It's unclear just what goes down, but Xtina leaves her victim to recover in a pool of blue paint. From there she hits the convenience store, proving Slurpies are the perfect post-scandalous-behavior snack. Enticing the lone employee by playing up her irresistible blue eyes a la Jesse Pinkman, Xtina has every man eating out of the palm of her hand in the course of five minutes.
Anyone she encounters is more than willing to go along with her crazy schemes, which end in a pink glitter sleepover party and moment of silence to appreciate her butt. Well, we guess the latter didn't require too much coaxing.
Campy Christina is back, but in a refined, sophisticated, I-work-for-an-Emmy-nominated-TV-series, bitch sort of way, leaving us hopeful more of Lotus will feel the same. Watch below.