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Aaron Carter

By: Andre Csillag/Shutterstock

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Farrah Abraham at the Women in Film Honors Gala

Photo by Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock

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MUSIC

Not Everyone Should Have a Music Career: The 10 Worst Celebrity Songs

Just because someone can act, that does not mean they can sing.

Gwyneth Paltrow - Country Strong

All too often, when a celebrity's head gets too big for their own good, their inflated brain decides they have what it takes to have a music career.

Technically, they're right––the only thing anyone actually needs to produce an album is cold, hard cash. But all the money in the world can't buy musical talent, which is why pretty much every celebrity album is screaming ear cancer. Come delight in making fun of people who are so wealthy that they fail to realize they have zero musical ability. These celebrity songs are truly the worst of the worst:

Jeremy Renner - Heaven Don't Have a Name

If anyone ever had a fever dream where Hawkeye from the Avengers sang a ripoff of Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" that was somehow worse than "Radioactive," we're sorry to inform them that their nightmare has become a reality.

Heaven Don't Have a Namewww.youtube.com

Brie Larson - She Said

Brie Larson's horrendous attempt at an Avril impression features inspired lyrics like "La dee da, la dee dee," along with a really poor Napoleon Dynamite impersonator in the music video.

Brie Larson - She Said (Radio Edit)www.youtube.com

Lindsay Lohan - Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)

While "daddy issues" may be a sexist trope at this point, it's hard to describe Lindsay Lohan's music as indicative of anything else. "Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father)" is less a "song" and more a "desperate cry for help."

Lindsay Lohan - Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father)www.youtube.com

Paris Hilton - Nothing In This World

Based on sound alone, Paris Hilton's Nothing In This World is honestly pretty generic pop. But this music video...just wow. It's about a little, toad-faced, creeper kid who gets straight up abused at school and then goes home to spy on his hot adult neighbor (Paris Hilton, of course) while she undresses. Then she grinds on him a bunch in her underwear. This is horrifying because he's like 13-year-old, max.

Paris Hilton - Nothing In This Worldwww.youtube.com

Bruce Willis - Respect Yourself

"Respect Yourself" is kind of like Aretha Franklin's "Respect" except instead of being sung by one of the most talented vocalists to ever live, it's sung by action star Bruce Willis and also has kind of weird religious undertones.

Respect Yourself ~ Bruce Williswww.youtube.com

Steven Seagal - Girl It's Alright

Steven Seagal has been hit with multiple accusations of sexual assault over the years, and this song is not helping his case at all.

Stiven Seagal "Girl it's alright"www.youtube.com

Gwyneth Paltrow - Country Strong

If Gwyneth Paltrow's "Country Strong" were revealed to be a parody of country music that she made solely because she despises poor people and anything that might interest them, it would be easy to believe.

Gwyneth Paltrow - Country Strongwww.youtube.com

Heidi Montag - Blackout

Heidi Montag writhing around a pool in a bikini while shouting crappy, off-key, bubblegum pop directly into a camera is somehow the pinnacle of both blandness and grossness at the same time.

Heidi Montag - Blackout (Official Video)www.youtube.com

Robert Downey Jr. - Man Like Me

To Robert Downey Jr.'s credit, these vocals are raw, untouched by fancy audio effects that might possibly make his voice anything close to listenable. Because truly, his vocals are unlistenable. This is homeless man singing on the subway bad.

Robert Downey Jr. sings "Man like Me"www.youtube.com

Hulk Hogan - I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac

Okay, now this is epic. Hulk Hogan's "I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac" transcends the good-bad binary. It is a portal to another era, a simpler time when maybe someone really did want to be a "Hulkamaniac" but wasn't sure how to make that dream a reality. Luckily, Hulk Hugan was there to talk-rap instructions, encouraging listeners to take vitamins, say no to drugs, and have fun with family and friends. This actually might be the best celebrity song ever.

Hulk Hogan- I Want to Be a Hulkamaniacwww.youtube.com

TV

Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Is a Greek Tragedy

Lindsay Lohan stars in this classic Greek drama.

What if, for just a moment, we take the premise of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club seriously?

In this brave story of triumph and redemption, Lindsay Lohan, former alcoholic, drug abuser, and disgraced teen idol behind Herbie Fully Loaded, has finally gotten clean. At only 32, she's not too old to start again. She's picked up the pieces of her shattered life and moved to Mykonos, an Island off the coast of Greece. There, she's redirected her passion for entertainment, opening her own venue where she can bring joy to others without needing to dwell in the spotlight — this is Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club.

But Lindsay Lohan can't do it alone. Recovery and new beginnings mean having others to support you along the way. Luckily, Lindsay has the help of her new Athenian best friend, Panos, who has taken it upon himself to bring in the best VIP nightclub hosts from all across "the hottest US cities" to help make sure her beach club runs like clockwork.

"The VIP hosts to me are not just hosts. They're ambassadors to the Lohan brand. They have to be the best," Lohan tells Panos, desperation coloring her inflection.

"The best of the best," Panos promises, assuring her that these hosts will not only be great at their jobs in every capacity - they'll be gorgeous, fun, and master salespeople to boot. Yes, with these VIP hosts on the floor, Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club will be the talk of the island. No, more than that. A destination.

Lindsay can barely contain her excitement. She's finally on the verge of something great. She trusts Panos implicitly. She hasn't felt this hopeful since her Disney days, back when she was fresh-faced, wide-eyed, and naive to the evils of stardom. Most people don't get second chances. In that sense, she's lucky. Just as long as this club is successful, she's going to build an empire.

Except there's a problem. Every single "best VIP host" Panos has found is a complete moron - a real group of fuck-ups. There's Brent, a bronzed meathead who brags about getting fired from past jobs for "slaying" all the waitresses; Jules, a woman who asks her dog if she should "be a little slut"; and don't forget Mike, a loud Italian guy who gets bread stuck in his butt.

This is Panos' dream team. And considering a business owner is only as good as the people around them, Lindsay Lohan and her beach club are in a lot of trouble.

But Lindsay Lohan doesn't know this yet. How could she?

And so the "best of the best" hosts arrive, flown out from America to Lindsay Lohan's property, the place she's invested with her hopes and dreams for a better life. She gives them a chance to get settled in their rooms, but finally her excitement gets the best of her and she goes to greet them.

Imagine Lindsay Lohan's horror when she meets her new employees for the first time, top talents hand-picked by her best friend and confidant, only to discover a group of shit-faced buffoons. They must have known she'd be coming. Was this an insult? A power play? Yet another "fuck you" from a fuck you ridden life? These people are trying to ruin her future, and she won't let it happen. Not again.

So she tells them off. And sure, Lindsay Lohan entering the scene and immediately freaking out might rehash some old stereotypes. But can anyone really blame her this time? After all, this is her chance. Her vision. Her money and future. It's all on the line. So she'll play the part. She tells one of the girls, Gabi, to dye her blue hair pink because the Beach Club DJ already has blue hair. That's what they need. A display of dominance. She'll play the bitch today, so tomorrow they'll fall in line.

Then, on the first day of work, Brent fucks one of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club's VIP guests while on the clock and starts drama with the other staff. But it's too late now. Brent, with his penis out in the ocean, outsells everyone. Lindsay Lohan comes to the horrible realization that Brent — this totally unabashedly sexist piece of shit who openly hates women — is the best she has.

Lindsay Lohan watches her dreams and future sink into the sandy shores of Mykonos. Her best friend, Panos, is a fraud. She's surrounded by idiots who "don't have what it takes."

Then again, she's still Lindsay Lohan, star of Freaky Friday and The Parent Trap. She's made it this far. She's overcome so much. She'll be damned if some guy from New Jersey who puts bread in his ass crack is going to ruin that.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com



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