Electoral College via Likes and Retweets
This week Stacey Dash announced her candidacy for a congressional seat in California, and it's got everyone thinking again about 2020. We've already got some hot candidates for the presidency: Oprah, The Rock, perhaps Senator Kid Rock. But who else might make for an interesting run at it? Here's a rundown on celebrities to watch for come election season...
1. Gigi Hadid
Running mate: Bella Hadid
As we've seen in elections past, the key qualities of a candidate are: popularity, photographs, being in the news. Qualities that make for a failed candidate seem to include: qualifications, intellect, a knowledge base. For this reason, Instagram models really make for the best presidential candidates.
A Hadid-Hadid ticket looks promising. One danger sign, though, could be deciding which of the Hadids (Hadidi? Hadida?) would run for which position. Beware of possible infighting, even a coup from the Bella camp.
2. Justin Trudeau
Running mate: Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Look, I've got a plan. Congresspeople gerrymander all the time. All we need is an eraser, and a map of the Minnesota-Ontario border.
Keep it on the low for now.
3. DJ Khaled
Running mate: I don't know, T-Pain?
We'll get this obvious choice out of the way early. DJ Khaled is a unifier: the only man who truly brings together all Americans, from all walks of life. Nobody doesn't like him, even your mom. His campaign slogan, "We da best!", writes itself. As president, we can expect Khaled to impart words of wisdom unto the nation—much like FDR's fireside chats—in the form of "keys" or, in moments of particular gravity and significance, "major keys".
4. That one Kate Moss poster that somehow every college girl has hanging in their dorm room
Running mate: That one Fara Fausset poster that somehow every '70s teenage boy had in their bedroom growing up
They say the president really has less power than you'd think—that most of the job of governance is done by legislators and local officials. Really, the most important part of the job is to be that spiritual guide, that figurehead for the nation to look to in times of crisis and change.
It makes total sense, then, that that one Kate Moss poster that somehow every college girl has hanging in their dorm room should be running the country. Every single college girl decorating their sophomore year dorm room in the past half-decade (literally every one, not a single one hasn't, it's been proven by science) has chosen to wake up to this one image of Kate Moss as motivation to throw on a pair of sweatpants, grab a mocha latte at Starbucks and strut into Art History 101 half an hour late. It must be a thing very much worth looking at.
We would have recommended that one Fara Fausset poster that somehow every '70s teenage boy had in their bedroom growing up for the top of the ticket, if it weren't for concerns regarding its age. Still, like the Ted Kennedy of posters, you really couldn't argue that that one Fara Fausset poster that somehow every '70s teenage boy had in their bedroom growing up wasn't the foremost poster in America in its heyday for stunted, pubescent boys without the social skills to get a girlfriend of their own.
5. Kanye West
Running mate: Kanye West
If he had dropped Jesus Walks and not later flipped his whole style on its head by going minimalist and reinventing autotune, it would have been enough;
If he had flipped his whole style on its head by going minimalist and reinventing autotune and not given us the greatest album of the 21st century, it would have been enough;
If he had given us the greatest album of the 21 st century and not continued to push the boundaries of hip-hop music well into his 40s without any signs of slowing, it would have been enough;
And now he's considering a run for president in 2020.
God bless this man!
6. Olivia Pope
Running mate: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
So I don't watch 'Scandal'...but if I understand correctly, Olivia Pope isn't the president exactly, but the president's cabinet or assistant-mistress or something? Either way, Kerry Washington deserves a promotion. Real quality actress. Plus, as of 2016, scandals have become an effective political tool for directing public attention. I think we could all use a little kinky Oval Office romance come 2021.
Maybe we cut to Tucker Carlson leaving the West Wing with his hair just a little frazzled. Maybe Marsha Blackburn hears about Tucker's West Wing fling, and wonders whether their night together last Spring meant as much to him as it did to her. Maybe Wayne LaPierre hooks up with Kirsten Gillibrand, and they have a good time but she's not sure whether she really wants to be a "thing" right now. Et cetera, et cetera...
Running mate: Cats
Total no-brainer. Dogs would crush it in the electoral college: 528 votes, guaranteed (minus the 10 from Missouri—for some reason, they went for possums). Issues such as tighter regulations on pretending to throw the ball, and jailing all vacuums, are non-partisan. As president, you can expect dogs to be very good bois.
8. Ronald Reagan's exhumed corpse
Running mate: Teddy Roosevelt's disintegrated carcass
Have you ever met a Republican without deep sexual urges for Ronald Reagan? Probably not--it's part of the whole thing. You can bet America would do whatever it can to get even just one more term out of this sub-par actor. All you have to do is Weekend-at-Bernie's his limp cadaver, and FOX News will take care of the rest.
9. The Boss Baby
Running mate: The Incredibles Baby
As a career boss, Boss Baby is perhaps the most qualified candidate on this list. He's got leadership skills, and has proven that he isn't the type to bend over to demands from alpha-types over in Russia or China. Expect strong positions on the child care tax deduction and binky bottles. Age minimum requirements for the office could be a paperwork headache, but otherwise BB's a safe choice.
10. All of us walking outside together and, at the same time, screaming into the empty air about how our lives haven't quite turned out the way we wanted them to
Running mate: Posting selfies online and seeking validation in vapid likes and comments, as if your existence is of any significance to other people
"Pascal had his Void that went with him day and night.
- Alas! It's all Abyss, - action, longing, dream,
the Word! And I feel Panic's storm-wind stream
through my hair, and make it stand upright.
Above, below, around, the desert, the deep,
the silence, the fearful compelling spaces...
With his knowing hand, in my dark, God traces
a multi-formed nightmare without release.
I fear sleep as one fears a deep hole,
full of vague terror. Where to, who knows?
I see only infinity at every window,
and my spirit haunted by vertigo's stress
envies the stillness of Nothingness.
- Ah! Never to escape from Being and Number!" ('Le Gouffre', Charles Baudelaire)
Nathaniel Nelson is an NYC-based writer and podcast host.
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