Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies....Pink Cupid....the list is endless.
Each week, Popdust's intrepid reporter, Suzy McCoppin, goes deep undercover in order to guide you through the potentially murky waters of cyber lovin'.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
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This week, we shine the spotlight on Age Match....
Site Slogan: When it comes to love – age really is just a number – but some of us find that we simply prefer the comfort and connection that we discover in May-December relationships.
AgeGap is where cougars, creepsters, gold diggers, sugar daddies and boy toys come together in the hopes of finding someone with whom they can cum together with.
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You’re a 62-year-old man who wants a 19-year-old girlfriend? No problem, right this way, Mr. Manther!
Here's the adorable couple who are featured on Age Match's "About us" page.
Who's older? Who's younger? I'm confused. But I'm also hammered because it's almost 6:30.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: 1 out of 30
BEST PICK UP LINE: “Keep calm and take your pants off."
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WORST PICK UP LINE: Your eyes are as brown as the Hudson river."
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 21
Ok, Abefroman is def doing blue steel, but his screen name is a stealth Ferris Bueller shout out. I also got kicked off the site pretty early on in my foray, for “suspicious activity,” which limited my options somewhat...
Approach/Chat Up Line: "Boy next door, only further away." I too am confused.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: He lets his wrist bands do all the talking.
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Closing Skills: Well, he is the sausage king of Chicago.
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Hygiene is important. Plus my mom loved Pretty Woman
Approach/Chat Up Line: "My taint is so clean you could eat it. I mean off it. Whatever."
Just kidding, he didn't really say that but I so wish he did.
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Conversational Skills/Rapport: Was so intent on conveying how active he is I needed a nap.
Closing Skills: The Mendoman and his sparkly taint take down beaucoup bitches.
I keep having nightmares that this guy is trying to extract my molars without Novocaine
Approach/Chat Up Line: "Come live the dream with me!" He could have just gone with "I have access to Nitrous."
Conversation Skills/Rapport: I felt like I was in an infomercial.
Woman Jailed For Having Loud Sex Back Out And At It Again
Closing Skills: I still have tartar, but it's under control.
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
Seriously, look at him up close. Dr. Evil, dental edition
Approach/ Chat Up Line: Something about immigration laws.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Like watching an interactive episode of The O'Reilly Factor.
Closing Skills: Luvseeker takes what he wants, 'cuz the DA is a personal friend.
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BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
I can’t believe I met Nick on Age Match, and not BeautifulPeople.
He's a generically handsome aspiring actor from upstate New York who was ambivalent about his recent invitation to star on The Bachelorette.
Pros included the obvious exposure and likely subsequent opportunities to do soft-core porn. Cons included the fact that he doesn’t like the way his hair looks in the mug shot that was snapped after his 2012 DUI.
That also explained why we took an Uber to California Pizza Kitchen, and why Nick had sucked through two Long Island Ice Teas even before we were seated.
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Still, with his chiseled face and tatted-up cross fit arms, Nick managed to appeal to my lower self and as he noshed his gluten free California veggie, I felt distinctive loin tingling.
An epic battle between my brain and vagina ensued.
“I’m really method," Nick told me. "I totally used the Meisner technique when I auditioned for this Honda commercial last week. I think I nailed it.”
My brain simply wouldn’t allow for this to continue anymore. The deathblow came when I reached out to tell him I had to get up early and realized that he had totally shaved his forearms.
I returned to Uber, this time solo, and contemplated buying a cat. Or seven.
The name Age Match is misleading.
Doesn’t it imply people who are looking to match with people their own age? Instead, I entered a cyber labyrinth of sexual predators and prey. And I liked it. I mean, sort of.
Age Match was okay, I guess. Personally I liked the lesbian one way more.
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world…In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here
Hollywood's Biggest Dicks, In No Particular Order...
God, on the day he made David Beckham: "Okay. Give him a supermodel face, make him a world class athlete, and what the hell, give him a giant schlong." Arcangel: "But God, we just made Zach Braff, that hardly seems fair." God: "Yeah, you're right. Okay. Give him a really whiny, girly voice."
So that's why Rihanna kept coming back for more, even after a savage Chris Brown beat down: She was dick-motized.
We only have David Cassidy’s word for it, but, according to the former teen idol, he’s packing some serious peen. He claimed in his memoir, C’Mon Get Happy, that his brothers called him “Donk” as in donkey, and that people have told him he is “blessed” in the trouser department
Willem Dafoe is so well endowed that Lars Von Trier had to use a body double for the hideous penis cutting scene in Antichrist—claiming, Dafoe’s bulge is so huge that, “everybody got very confused when they saw it.”
According to Tony Danza’s attorneys, a full frontal naked pic of the actor, fresh out the shower and showing off a mammoth man-piece, “has caused and continues to cause him distress"
Leonardo DiCaprio is as endowed as he is talented, but don't take our word for it. Ask Cherry Pie girl Bobbie Brown who told Popdust, "His brow furrowed a little as he eased himself into me. I inhaled sharply—he was . . . titanic."
Michael Fassbender's date's got her eyes on the prize. Michael's Fassmember made such a splash in the movie Shame that it was considered for a best Supporting Actor nomination. Prometheus co-star Charlize Theron said it best when she said Fassbender's "penis was a revelation" and she is "available to work with it any time."
Australian singer turned British treasure, Peter Andre received an eye watering groin report from glamour model Jordan, who claimed her (now ex) hubby’s pork sword is the size of a large television remote control
Jamie Foxx displayed his donkey dick during a brutal full frontal scene in Django Unchained
Vincent Gallo—The Brown Bunny, we rest our case…..
The Mad Men star's penis is such a ham, wardrobe was instructed to create an undergarment that would minimize the distracting (cast) member. Jon's Hamm has since joined SAG and is currently auditioning for speaking roles.
Beyonce ain't drunk on love, she's drunk on dick! According to an ex lover of Jay Z's, it’s, "Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle. What do you call those things? The 20-ounce bottle. It's beyond huge. It could block the sun."
Joe Manganiello was cast as Big Dick Richie in Magic Mike with very good reason..
Tom Jones’ huge penis is almost more of a rock legend than the great man himself. And, the Welsh Lothario maintains it in tip-top condition, admitting he likes to keep “Wendell” minty fresh by bathing it in Listerine
According to Popdust's Kiss and Tell Girl, John Mayer has been blessed with such an awesome hybrid of flexibility and large penistry, that he can give himself a blow job! Turns out his body is a wonderland! Congrats, Mayer Penis.
Chris Isaak is also rumored to be so well endowed he can give himself a blow job
Ewan McGregor’s sizable schlong has been rammed down our throats (so to speak) in several movies, with full frontals in Trainspotting and The Pillow Book to name just two
According to the self-professed original supermodel Janice Dickinson, Liam Neeson "opened his pants, and an Evian bottle fell out."
And speaking of humble Irishmen, Colin Farrell, per his own description, made our Smallest Penises list—but not so, if you ask a more reliable source, like your own eyeballs, or, Christie Buckner, who claimed, "it looks like a baby wandered into a bush, grabbed an apple, then stuck only his arm out to show Mommy." The question is, who do you trust more: Colin Farrell, or your balls?
When it comes to Ray J, all we can say is ouch…..
Size really DOES matter when it comes to gay porn—hence, Simon Rex’s successful career back in the day
No wonder Jennifer Aniston has a smile on her face these days—have you seen that jogging scene from The Leftovers?
We all know Robin Thicke is well hung…. because he plastered the fact all over a giant backdrop in his Blurred Lines video—and, in case anyone thought it was a baseless boast, his soon-to-be ex-wife confirmed the fact in an interview when they were still happily in love, “Robin’s like, ‘Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…’ But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!” Paula Patton told Glamour magazine.
Tommy Lee has a massive wang. Popdust readers to Popdust: Yeah, we know.
Mark Whalberg’s Calvin Klein ads pretty much speak for themselves……
If anyone knows about peen it’s super-groupie, Connie Hamzy. She dished on Huey Lewis’ super-sized schlong during an interview with Howard Stern, claiming, "He's the biggest. I've always said he's the biggest” All hail Huey Lewis, Hollywood's biggest dick!