Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies.... PinkCupid.... AgeMatch..... SploshDating.... ZombiePassions... Zoosk.... DateVampires.. .OurTime...Sea Captain Date.... the list is endless.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on Craigslist Missed Connections...
SLOGAN: Safer sex greatly reduces the risk of STDs (e.g. HIV). Please report suspected exploitation of minors. (OK, so it’s more public health warning than slogan… but, it definitely prepares you for the joys that await)
So suppose an unattached happens upon a comely lass on the ab machine at 24 Hour Fitness, or perhaps a "Hispanic tatted up Lady at the Mamas & Papas Mini Market," or, as was the case in my Missed Connections sweep, a man pleasuring himself at a stoplight might lock eyes with a real dime piece. No numbers exchanged, no Facebook, no names.
What are they to do? Well, they might log onto Craigslist Missed Connections in the vain hopes that the object of their affections may be embarking on the same tragic vision quest.
Seems to me to be somewhat of an antiquated concept, ala Desperately Seeking Susan.
This is still happening? In 2015?
Why, yes it is.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: I think I just threw up in my mouth.
BEST PICK UP LINE: I won't steal the vicodin out of your medicine cabinet.
WORST PICK UP LINE: Did anyone find my car keys at the gang bang?
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 7
Approach/Chat Up Line: Now this a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: If rhyme was a drug, he'd sell it by the gram.
Closing Skills: Well, he is a prince.
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Approach/Chat Up Line: "You wanted to get off Tinder, asked me if I had Facebook, like an idiot I only gave you partial information."
Conversational Skills/Rapport: He's not perfect, but he's earnest, and that's important.
Closing Skills: Well, Jessica and maybe a few other girls in the Pasadena area.
Approach/Chat Up Line: "We were driving next to each other. You were in an SUV and looked into my car and saw me stroking."
Conversation Skills/Rapport: I would just love to interview the girl who was like "I recognize that wiener!"
Closing Skills: Apparently, he finished in the car.
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
Approach/ Chat Up Line: "Why when you get paid do you run off when you owe me money?" Which is actually better than some pick up lines I've heard.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Erudite, eloquent, concise.
Closing Skills: Leases with an option to buy.
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
I answered this ad, and I told Neil ahead of time that I am neither very pregnant nor Latina.
Neil sells Saturns by day and takes night classes in “Assets Management and Accounting.”
He smelled like a Mumbai slum but we listened to Def Leppard on the way to Jamba Juice, which almost made the aforementioned forgivable.
Neil would laugh heartily at nothing, which may seem like an endearing quality, but in practice, it was much more annoying than endearing. And he wouldn’t stop laughing until I would match his level of enthusiasm. And so I would, just to stop him from his unwarranted fit of hysteria.
It made me appreciate how much more strenuous it is to fake a laugh than it is to fake an orgasm. Your neck hurts, your soul hurts, and you’re etching lines further into your face but with no pleasure to offset the cost.
This made me resent Neil and while I angrily shook my fist at him within the confines of my mind, I realized that I resented nearly every guy I’d been on dates with since I launched this one-woman war on loneliness and masturbation.
There are maybe 3 exceptions, so when your mom says, “There are too many fish in the sea,’” she’s lying. And maybe you should fuck your best friend’s husband.
Kidding! I kid.
Today, I reflect outward: As I continue on this path of the fruitless cyber search, am I more likely to find true love, or to contract Ebola and die a slow painful death?