Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies.... PinkCupid.... AgeMatch..... SploshDating.... ZombiePassions... Zoosk.... DateVampires.. .OurTime...Sea Captain Date....Missed Connections... the list is endless.
Each week, Popdust's intrepid reporter, Suzy McCoppin, goes deep undercover in order to guide you through the potentially murky waters of cyber lovin'.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on Felony Dating Service...
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SLOGAN:Our target members are people convicted of felonies, their families, clergy, lawyers, judges, probation and parole officers.
Who among us hasn’t grabbed a fistful of Canadian money out of our AirBnB guest’s duffle bag, driven the wrong way on the 405 after chasing the dragon, or slept with someone who really seriously looked at least 18?
Church Of Scientology Accused Of Bullying And Intimidating A Clearwater Cinema
We’re all human…..and, the only difference between humans and felons? Luck.
FelonyDatingService reminds us that he who is without sin cast the first stone, and unless you hit someone, it’s only a misdemeanor.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: The scale changes somewhat when sodomy is on the table.
BEST PICK UP LINE: “You might as well submit, ‘cuz it’s gonna happen.”
WORST PICK UP LINE: “Is your dad a thief? No way! So am I!”
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 7
Conspiracy Theory Thursday—Tupac Shakur Faked His Death
HOTTEST GUY:
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I would maybe drop the soap for him.....
Approach/Chat Up Line: Sanchozombie has found the secret of love.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Both a dork and a felon. That's rare.
Closing Skills: On a strictly conjugal basis.
Sharon Is A Stone Cold Naked Fox In Harpers Bazaar Nude Photo Shoot
GUY(S) MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
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I know it’s weird that my mom would want me to date 3 convicted felons at the same time, but she’s a huge Pistons fan
Approach/Chat Up Line: “We’ve discussed it and come to the conclusion that you have a bangin’ booty.”
Conversational Skills/Rapport: Harmonized like Boyz ii Men
Closing Skills: If one of these guys is funny, one is sensitive, and one is sexy, then they may be the perfect guy.
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A face that launched 1000 sentences....
Approach/Chat Up Line: Scary.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: So scary.
Closing Skills: So very scary.
Lady Gaga Threatening To Sue Breast Milk Ice Cream Company
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
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Has hat and knows how to use it...
Approach/ Chat Up Line: “Hey gurl, we could make a lot of money.”
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Always seemed to circle back to how to get some dead presidents.
Closing Skills: Wanted to establish an oral agreement.
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
Hal, 36, sold one of the finest strains of OG kush in all of Montecito. He was on his way to drop off ten pounds of product in Los Angeles, when he pulled over in Sequoia National Park to relive himself. Trouble is, Sequoia National Park is federal Property, and a Federal Cop rolled up on him mid stream.
His was viewed as a Federal crime, and Hal went to the big house for 2 years. And now, here we were at Mao's Organic Chinese in Venice, where Hal was telling me about how he sells flame retardant clothing for his ex-father-in-law. I drifted in an out of the conversation but found myself mildly interested every time he said "retardant."
Then I would drift back to my sweet and sour chicken while I tried to think of a delicate way to ask if he still has access to the OG kush.
I couldn't. So we talked about the new episode of South Park and how Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. Then he asked me if I want to go roller blading this weekend.
I don't.
SUMMARY:
For the pathologically noncommittal, conjugally obsessed, and the absurdly open-minded, Suzy gives FelonyDatingService two thumbs up!
Meanwhile, the quest for love continues....
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world….In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here
Homeless Man Busted For Indecent Exposure Tells Cops ‘I Was Just Airing Out My Penis’ : A 50-year-old homeless man was arrested after he was spotted puling down his jeans and underwear outside of a store, “fluffing” his genitals and sniffing his fingers. Mmmmm…. smells like chicken…. Cops refused to believe William Gibson’s “I was just airing out my genitals” excuse and charged him with a felony.
Boward County Woman Arrested for Getting Naked and Causing a Traffic Hazard: At around 5.40pm (conveniently smack bang in the middle of rush hour) Tracy Mabb staggered into an intersection and starting stripping off. And once she started, she just couldn’t stop—going on to treat drivers and passing pedestrians to a full view of her “vagina and buttocks.”
Mother-Daughter Porn Duo Arrested for Prostitution: You read it correctly. 56-year-old mom Monica Ramoutar and her 22-year-old daughter Jessica are in it to win it, figuratively speaking. And they want to get famous by shooting sex scenes together. They’re known as the “Sexxxtons,” and while they don’t actually touch each other during the sex scenes, they do have sex in the same room, at the same time. Yikes. Unfortunately their dreams of stardom were dashed after they were busted for prostitution by an undercover cop.
Boynton Beach Drunk Dude Couldn’t Remember What Happened To His Pants: We’ve all been there… drunk, semi-naked, unable to remember what happened to our clothes. Well, maybe not, but Robert Allen Sweeney certainly has—The 56-year-old had no answers for arresting officers when he was busted, drunk, wearing nothing below the waist aside from a pair of sneakers. “What’s wrong, officer? I live right there, and I was going to get some pants right now," Sweeney told cops. "I was coming home from the beach and I realized I had lost my pants over there. So I was coming home to get a fresh pair.” Sure dude… Sweeney was busted for indecent exposure and an open container violation.
Largo Man Racks Up 120th Arrest With Bologna Stealing Bust: To say Richard Harvey Warren is a habitual criminal would be somewhat of n understatement. The 50-year-old racked up his 120th arrest after he was busted by cops on charges of retail theft and misdemeanor trespassing after attempting to smuggle a $2.99 pack of bologna out of a local convenience store in his pants.
Miami Cops Shoot Dead Man Feasting on Face Of Homeless Guy in Broad Daylight: “Face-Eating Cannibal” Randy Eugene was shot four times by cops as he gnawed the face off of poor unsuspecting Ronald Poppo. The horrific attack was initially blamed on the synthetic cocaine substitute “Bath Salts” but the subsequent toxicology report found only marijuana in Eugene’s system and no evidence of any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs.
Land O’Lakes ‘Zombie’ Busted For Assaulting Nudist Resort Security Guard: 47-year-old Kevin Fearn allegedly attacked a 71-year-old security guard after he asked Fearn to “step outside” following accusations he had groped a woman at a nudist resort. Fearn—who, for unknown reasons, was fully decked out as a flesh eating, living dead Zombie at the time—allegedly threw the guard to the ground and when a colleague came to the rescue, Fearn’s brother-in-law allegedly bit the poor dude on the arm.
Strip-Club Employee Strips and Masturbates In Jail: Cops spotted Lakeisha Johnson jumping fences and decided they should see what she was up to. When they approached, she started taking off her clothes and using vulgar language. She was then arrested, taken to jail…and promptly got down to her regular business of getting nekkid once again. She even offered to perform a sex act on an officer in exchange for her release. Can’t blame a girl for trying.
School Nurse Charged With Stealing Kids Prescription Medications And Replacing Them With Unknown Pills: The appropriately named Marilee Boozer was busted after a grandparent reported that her grandson’s medication had gone missing. The medication in question? Ritalin…. What else? And the way the 24-year-old school employee got caught was even better. Ritalin pills are blue…. so grandma was pretty confused when her grandkid began bringing home yellow pills instead.
Woman Arrested For Theft After Stuffing Seven Lobsters Down Her Pants: 30-year-old Nichole Reed confessed to police that she attempted to steal seven lobster tails (valued at a whopping $11.99) by stuffing them down her pants at Publix super market in Orange City, Florida in the hopes of trading them in for Chinese food or drugs.
Man Arrested for Drunkenly Sexting Police Officer: Paul Arnold Kirleis contacted police to report a suspicious vehicle. An officer responded on his department-issued phone. After their conversation ended, the officer started receiving some racy messages sent from Kirleis’ phone. Big mistake. But hey, we all do stupid things when we’re drunk…. Right?
Man Blames Pet Cat For Child Porn Downloaded On His Computer: 48-year-old Keith R. Grifffin came up with a novel excuse for the thousands of child porn images on his computer. Griffin told cops “he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard. And when he returned there will be strange material downloaded.”
Naked Fort Myers Man Breaks Into House, Defecates, Masturbates: Gregory Bruni managed a Florida crazy crime trifecta—nudity, masturbation and pooping. Bruni was apprehend after he was spotted rampaging nude on the roof of a house. But, it wasn’t over till it was over.. Bruni proceeded to go into the home, defecate, jack off, pull a big screen TV off the wall AND rub his victims’ clothing all over his face before being hauled off to the big house…. Good job Gregory!
Man Impersonates Cop, Flashes Bare Buttocks At IHOP For Free Food: Matt Skytta had a genius idea to score some free food—impersonate a police officer! When asked for money for his food order, Skytta declared, “No, but I am a cop, and I get food for free” before going on to threaten to beat up the server, then drop his pants and flash his bare ass.
Indian County Man Urinates Out Of Back Of Sheriff’s Car: When you gotta go you gotta go…. even if it’s in the back of a cop car on the way to jail after being busted for DUI. Devin Langford felt the call of nature at a very inconvenient time, as he was being escorted to the county jail, after being pulled over for speeding and then failing a number of field sobriety tests. But, Langford is a considerate kind of drunk, instead of pissing all over the car, he kneeled out the backseat and aimed his urine out of the window. Later, upon arriving at jail, Langford admitted, “I might be a little drunk, But I’m not a lot of drunk…..” His .141 breathalyzer test would seem to say otherwise.
Man Kills Friend Over Last Can Of Beer: We’ve all gotten into tiffs with our friends. But would you stab them to death over not splitting the last can of beer with you? Probably not, but then again, you’re probably not from Florida. 38-year-old Daniel Trent was subsequently charged with second-degree murder.
Man Busted With Meth Lab In His Pants Leg: Cops found more than they were bargaining for when they responded to an anonymous tip that Ian Freudenriech of Defuniak Springs was in possession of methamphetamine. Turns out the 23-year-old wasn’t just holding, he was also cooking… in his pants. Officers discovered an active 'One-Pot' meth lab in Freudenriech’s trouser leg, he was arrested and charged with Manufacturing Methamphetamine and Trafficking in Methamphetamine.
Polk County Woman Busted For Shooting Missile Into Vehicle: Forget the crime, the most Florida thing about this story is the perp’s name….. Crystal Metheny… yeah, seriously. The 36-year-old was previously busted on a marijuana charge.
Man Arrested For Driving Naked And Masturbating In Attempt To ‘Entice’ Trucker: Looks like 22 year-old Cory Evans never learned how to court someone…properly. Evans was so creepy that not even the truckers could take his antics. One driver called the cops on him. The trucker reported that Evans was completely naked behind the wheel and seemed to be matching the speed of the drivers’ rig. He was later charged with indecent exposure.
Man Bites Off Neighbor’s Ear Because He Wouldn’t Give Him A Ciggie: Alberto Felipe is a man that doesn’t like to be told no. Case in point, after his neighbor refused to facilitate his nicotine fix, he bit off his goddamn ear! “He comes up, puts me in a bear hug and next thing I know he's biting my ear,” John Ott explained of the attack, which left him with his ear dangling by just a thin piece of cartilage—Felipe was charged with battery. Not surprisingly, this wasn’t his first issue with anger management—the Boca Raton aspiring Mike Tyson has had a slew of past run-ins with cops and has been arrested and charged 3 previous times on other assault and battery cases.
450-Pound Man Arrested For Hiding Marijuana ‘Under Stomach Fat’: You gotta admire Christopher Mitchell‘s dedication. But oh boy, this story sure is berserk. Mitchell and a pal were pulled over after an officer noticed that the passenger was not wearing his seatbelt. After the cops ran their information and saw their priors, they decided to search the vehicle. You can probably guess what happened next. Only in Florida.
Man Sets Fire To Apartment Block After He’s warned To Stop Masturbating In Front Of Window: Kenneth Haskins, who suffers from a severe disfigurement after previously shooting himself in the face, did not take kindly to being told to stop whacking off in front of the neighbors at his apartment block. He was so pissed off in fact, that he decided he would teach them all a lesson by burning the apartment complex to the ground. Firefighters were forced to evacuate 28 of the apartments, and four families were made homeless by the Tampa man’s act of vengeance—while he was charged with felony first-degree arson.
Tampa Man Has Sex With Pit Bull In Front Yard As Neighbors Plead With Him To Stop: One 57-year-old took the noble love between man and dog a tad too far when he decided to engage in sexual intercourse with his pit bull. Bernard Marsonek was busted for aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals after neighbors called the cops on him.
Orlando Woman Arrested for Masturbating on the Side of Highway: Ashley Holton was seemingly so overcome with self desire that she pulled over to the side of Highway 484, got out of her car and started pleasuring herself… According to the police report the 35-year-old had been going at it for over an hour before officers arrived—and was in no mood to stop, in fact she bit one poor cop as he tried to cover her up and then went on to order another to kiss her exposed lady bits.
Polk Man Pleads Not Guilty To Swimming Naked With Gators: 47-year-old Adrian Jay Apgar pleaded not guilty to exposing himself, trespassing, breach of peace and failure to appear in court after he was arrested naked and wading in water near several alligators. Apgar claimed he had been bitten by a snake whilst hunting for a gator—however, authorities branded him “delusional” and sectioned him for 72 hours. It was Apgar’s second naked run-in with gators.
Loxahatchee Man Tries To Burn Down House With Bowling Ball Bomb: Tyler Butler had obviously watched way too many Looney Tunes—otherwise, what explanation is there for the classic cartoon-looking bowling ball bomb, complete with rope wick sticking out? Butler’s comedy crime caper was cut short after neighbors called 911 to report a house on fire. Turns out the 21-year-old decided the bank weren’t going to repossess his house—he’d blow it up beforehand! Thankfully however, Tyler wasn’t the explosives expert he thought he was, and after managing to start a fire, he was hauled off by cops pre-blow-up and booked on charges of arson and using an explosive device.
Man Tries To Stab Nephew Over Undercooked Noodles: Richard Vine Newton is a man who knows how he likes his noodles cooked, and you better cook them to his liking, or else. The 54-year-old’s nephew learned that lesson the hard way, after daring to serve his uncle undercooked pasta. According to the police report, upon receipt of the offensive noodles, Newton started screaming and shoved his nephew in the face, before chasing after him with a kitchen knife—he was subsequently charged with aggravated assault and domestic battery.
Man Holds Up Dominos Delivery Guy At Gun Point For Wings And Pizza: When you gotta have pizza, you gotta have pizza….Maximilliam Xavier Mack wasn’t going to allow the fact that he had no cash stand in the way of his carb craving, he wanted pizza and wings, and he wanted them NOW… so, he waved a loaded gun in some poor Dominos delivery dude’s face and made off with a deep dish and hot wings. The Palatka man learned the hard way though that there’s no such thing as a free lunch… he was charged with armed robbery, two counts of aggravated assault and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.
Woman Busted After Calling Cops To Complain About Drug Dealer Stiffing Her: Daneshia Heller thought she was being ripped off by her friendly local drug dealer….so, what did she do? Well, what anyone would do in that situation! She called the cops! The 19-year-old called 911 to bitch about how a dealer ripped her off for $5, after she ponied up the cash and he refused to hand over some weed… Sadly for Heller, after cops arrived on the scene they discovered that the Fort Lauderdale woman already had drugs on her— alpha-PVP, a psychosis-inducing street drug known as flakka…. and she was promptly booked for drug possession and misusing the 911 system… no word on what happened to the rip-off drug dealer….
Mom Beats And Stun Guns Daughter For Not Cleaning House Properly: Some people just have really high standards when it comes to house keeping…. that’s not a crime, is it? Well, turns out it is, if you end up discharging a stun gun on the person you perceive to be slacking in the cleaning department. Cynthia Alexander was so pissed at her daughter Stephanie after she didn’t clean their mobile home to meet her fastidious standards that she punched, pushed, and then stun gunned her daughter…IN THE FACE…. BOO YAY! take that….
Man Sets ICU On Fire After Smoking Crack While Visiting Friend: Poor Lee Vern Cook was just trying to do a good deed, visiting his pal in hospital on Christmas eve, when he unwittingly found himself on the wrong side of the law and staring down charges of possession of a firearm in the commission of a felony, arson, five counts of possession of a controlled substance, and one count of possession of drug paraphernalia. It all kicked off after the 54-year-old gave his pal an extra special Xmas prezzie he had brought along for him—a big, new, shiny crack rock. Sadly, his pal’s medical woes quickly worsened, after he managed to set himself alight, and burn down his hospital ward, whilst smoking the aforementioned prezzie—perhaps due to the fact he was attached to an oxygen tank at the time of lighting up.
Granny Tries To Hire Hitman To Kill Daughter’s Boyfriend For Giving Her Kids Lice: Pamela Vanorsdale was so pissed over her grandkids’ nits that she wanted her daughter’s homeless boyfriend, whom she blamed for the infestation, dead—and she was pretty specific about how, when and how. She enlisted the help of her former son-in-law to do the deed, promising him a gun, and ordering him to shoot Dylan Loveless, 22, in the head and chest before dumping the body in South Carolina. Her cunning plan was foiled however after her husband shopped her to cops—Vanorsdale was charged with conspiracy to commit murder.
Orlando Man Butt Dials 911 Whilst Cooking Meth With His Mom: Jason Knope suffered the pocket dial fail of his life when he accidentally called cops whilst he was toiling away at a meth factory alongside his mom and a pal. A police operator stayed on the line for half-an-hour listening to the trio “talking about making and selling methamphetamine” over a loud “bubbling sound as if something was cooking.” Volusia County Sheriff’s Office traced the call to a shed in front of the Knope family home, containing, “all of the makings of an active meth lab, including coffee filters, a butane torch, batteries, drain opener, plastic tubing, hypodermic needles, lithium strips, lighter fluid, plastic bags and numerous plastic bottles containing a white substance.”
