Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies....Pink Cupid....Age Match.....SploshDating....ZombiePassions...Zoosk....DateVampires...OurTime....the list is endless.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on SeaCaptainDate...
SLOGAN: The only place for Sea Captains to connect with men and women who share a love of the ocean. With thousands of Captains already online, SeaCaptainDate.com is the destination for romance on the seven seas!
This week I joined SeaCaptainDate. That's right. Shit is getting specific.
And SeaCaptainDate is not the only site that promises seamen. There's also Captain-Date….and...well….that's about it, but that's a lot given the specific nature of the enterprise.
I decided I would trust the Gorton's fisherman, and maybe, just maybe, I would score some fish sticks.
You log on and this shit happens:
HOT TO NOT RATIO: Slim pickins.
BEST PICK UP LINE: "I'll keep me hands off yer chest if ya let me at yer bootie." (This is not actually from SeaCaptainDate... It's written on a plaque hanging in the bathroom of our Editor-in-Chief.)
WORST PICK UP LINE: "Hey, Want some seamen?" (I made this one up.)
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 12
Approach/Chat Up Line: "I'm worth $30 million."
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Locust Valley Best straight man in the business.
Closing Skills: He had me at Teen Wolf Too
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Approach/Chat Up Line: “Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me."
[This would work much better in the "Man Seeking Man" section as the last word in the chorus is "lad”]
Conversational Skills/Rapport: I just like that he's bringing back the three-piece.
Closing Skills: Not surprisingly, I was told we have 0% compatibility.
Approach/Chat Up Line: He has American flags coming out of his scrotum.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: See above.
Closing Skills: He’s already enjoying full penetration with the American flags.
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
Approach/ Chat Up Line: It's not that I have a problem with Paul per se, but I just feel like he'd get so much more attention than me, especially around Christmas.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Kept asking if I would jingle his balls.
Closing Skills: All right so I jingled 'em a little. He asked nice.
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
I’m not saying I disliked Dennis, but I would probably unplug his life support to charge my cell phone. Not that Dennis is on life support, sadly, and because of this we were able to have dinner at the I-Hop.
Dinner…at the I-Hop, because Dennis has a sweet tooth and regularly eats pancakes for dinner.
Also, at the end of our date, he wrote his number down on the back of a receipt for macaroons.
What’s weird is, I mean aside from scheduling a date around the O’Reilly Factor, Dennis owns a whale watching business, and, if Margaret Cho is to be believed, lesbians love whale watching.
In fact, this is something I know to be true as my ex-boyfriend’s family owns a whale watching business as well, and that shit was crawling with lesbos.
UNRELATED NOTE—one time Jimmy Buffett came aboard and gave a half gram of cocaine to my boyfriend’s mother, which I can only hope she promptly snorted before cleansing her palate with a margarita.
Gaad, I wish they served margaritas at the I-Hop. Anything to drown out Dennis’ incessant yammering.
I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I had so many questions! Comments! Corresponding stories. In fact, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe I’ll take a moment now to respond to Dennis.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up! I don’t give a shit! Do you hear yourself?! You sound like a goddamn idiot! Quit talking about your stupid yacht I don’t fucking care!! Fuck you, Dennis. Fuck you and your fucking macaroon receipt.
And the quest for love continues…
Lesbians love whale watching, Jimmy Buffett's vices expand beyond margaritas and cheeseburgers in paradise, and Santa and Mrs. Claus appear to be suffering some marital strife.