online dating reviews tinder detroit
Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies.... PinkCupid.... AgeMatch..... SploshDating.... ZombiePassions... Zoosk.... DateVampires.. .OurTime...Sea Captain Date....Missed Connections... FelonyDatingService....Kwink Potheads....DateACanadian...Black People Meet....the list is endless.
Each week, Popdust's intrepid reporter, Suzy McCoppin, goes deep undercover in order to guide you through the potentially murky waters of cyber lovin'.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
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This week we shine the spotlight on Tinder in Detroit.
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Booty by zip code, Tinder uses GPS to locate people in your area with whom you can make beautiful monkey love—otherwise known as Grindr for straight peeps.
A few months back, I swiped in Los Angeles, but now, as I am visiting my parents, I am swiping in the 8 Mile region. That's right- Detroit Rock City.
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Tinder allows you to swipe through a catalogue of contenders, either right swiping to “like" or left swiping to “nope" and now they've added the very flattering “super like" option, which lets the person upon whom you're swiping let them know you wanna eff even more than had you merely swiped right.
If two people swipe right on each other, they each receive a match notification, and a dialogue can than ensue, i.e. “Your face or mine."
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HOT TO NOT RATIO: 1 out of every 18
BEST PICK UP LINE: "So we're friends now, when do the benefits kick in?"
WORST PICK UP LINE: "Guess what I'm wearing? The smile you gave me."
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 27. Because I'm visiting my parents and I have nothing else to do.
HOTTEST DUDE:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: "Able to leap short women in a single bound!" Ya know, 'cuz he kinda looks like super man.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Real classy like.
Closing Skills: "West coast pussy for my Detroit player." (No, I didn't give him any pussy. That's a line from a Kid Rock song.)
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GUY MY MOM WANTS ME TO DATE:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: Not afraid of an oxymoron, in as much as he is a "serious goofball."
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Communicates almost exclusively in emojis.
Closing Skills: How am I supposed to know? I have an 11 PM curfew.
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WEIRDEST DUDE:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: "I'm a disease free gentleman of leisure."
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Just. Weird.
Closing Skills: My inner dialogue: Don't make a pussy joke. Don't make a pussy joke.
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HELL TO THE NO:
His Approach/Chat Up Line: Who cares. Look at how freaked out his dogs look!
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Whatever.
Closing Skills: I don't think he ever made it off that chunk of ice.
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BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
So Alex the mortgage broker and I decided to go to Coney Island, the legendary Detroit hot dog establishment.
After two “Coneys," I was extremely nauseous, so the date was basically over, which sucked because we were on our way to The Detroit Zoo. Yeah, that wouldn't be depressing.
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But on the way out, we happened upon something magical—like Detroit's version of a unicorn—The Day Time Pimp.
And to see him in his natural habitat was nothing short of breath taking.
Alex and I slinked out of sight so as not to disturb Day Time Pimp, but so that we could still observe him in all his majestic splendor, and snap this pic so I could post it on Instagram.
Sadly, his stately grandeur did nothing to abate my nausea, and he didn't even offer me a job, so I went home and watched Trainwreck with my mom, which was hilarious for the first 17 minutes and then was just meh.
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Is Trainwreck one word? Hold on, I think I still have the DVD. ……
It's not, actually, but for the movie's sake, it is. Also, Amy Schumer looks like Miss Piggy, but I still want to be her.
Also, look what I found in my dad's bed.
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!! Couldn't it have been like a giant black d-ldo or something?
SUMMARY:
Can you tell I initially pitched Popdust about doing a movie review column, but then wound up doing this stupid shit?
For more stupid stupidity, follow Suzy McCoppin on Instagram.
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world….In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here
