Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies....Pink Cupid....Age Match.....SploshDating....the list is endless.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on ZombiePassions...
SLOGAN: For zombies, zombie lovers & people who have been working in a dead-end job for too long
Zombies—If ya can't beat em, join 'em, and thus, my quest for love took me to the aforementioned freak fest, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I logged on, in the hopes that I might score with some smokin' hot piece of graveyard bait.
Or, dare I dream, that I may finally find a man who loves me for my braaaaaaaiiiiinnnnsss.
And not just my lungs.
I was heartened to discover that ZombiePassions is really more for Zombie enthusiasts than it is for full blown fetishes and therefore fava beans would not be the required side dish.
I did, however, get massively f*cked up on nice Chianti.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: Every zombie is beautiful, in their own special way.
BEST PICK UP LINE: "Well, okay. It's rigor mortis. But I'm still happy to see you!"
WORST PICK UP LINE: "It's a good thing I'm a zombie, because you are drop-dead gorgeous!"
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 17
Approach/Chat Up Line: Had me at “I currently live: In a van down by the river." #Farleyforever
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Chris Farley fan, so points right out of the gate.
Closing Skills: Shifts effortlessly between a man scarf and a Ramones T, and in the immortal words of ZZ Top, “Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Approach/Chat Up Line: Beam me up, Zombie.
Conversational Skills/Rapport: Ugh.
Closing Skills: The dude is known as “the human Star Trek Encyclopedia." Now if that doesn't drop your drawers, you're clearly un-dead.
Approach/Chat Up Line: Who cares? Check out his decorating, or what is likely his mother's decorating skill. I'm counting 3 white tiger posters.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Shy at first, but warms up quickly.
Closing Skills: At least 3 white tiger posters.
HELL TO THE AWESOME GUY:
Approach/ Chat Up Line: Identifies as a straight lesbian.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Lovable, self-deprecating, pirate at heart.
Closing Skills: I wouldn't mind disappearing into that purple cape for 4 minutes or so.
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
Sid was new to the whole zombie game, and confessed that his fixation developed during season 2 of The Walking Dead. He also revealed that he's a substitute teacher with a heart condition who DJs bar mitvahs on weekends.
He was pleasantly plump with the pallor of a freshly cored apple, and I spent much of our tense meeting waiting for him to tell me the only way he could achieve climax was by eating my brain.
Biggest challenge: Finding a restaurant that served brains. We had to settle on a Korean BBQ place that served whole fish heads.
Saddest Point: When Sid made me watch a highlight reel of his favorite Zombie scenes.
Most Joyous Point: Sid broke into full throttle fan-damonium when I told him I starred in the (very) low budget zombie train wreck, Skin Crawl, and that lumpy oatmeal, molded into a mound, doubled as brains, upon which I did dine, in a addition to eating live maggots.
But I didn't swallow.
Which brings us to the end of the date.
Given that Sid suffers from a heart condition, things didn't progress beyond an awkward hug, which is a damn shame 'cuz I woulda torn that sweet lady ass up.
No. I really wouldn't have.
Proceed with reckless abandon.
ZombiePassions members are freaks, but they are harmless freaks.