Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Clown Lovers, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Plenty Of Fish, JDate, Christian Mingle, BBW Cupid, FurryMate.....Fetster....Beer Passions...Cougar Life.....Match.com....Naturist Passions.....Cat Lovers Network....Singles With Allergies....Pink Cupid....Age Match.....SploshDating....ZombiePassions...the list is endless.
Each week, Popdust's intrepid reporter, Suzy McCoppin, goes deep undercover in order to guide you through the potentially murky waters of cyber lovin'.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
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This week, we shine the spotlight on Zoosk...a dating site with 40 million members.
![Zoosk dating profile]()
SLOGAN: Online dating has never been easier
I'd never heard of Zoosk.
Have you ever heard of Zoosk? Some how, some way, this cyber diamond has managed to fly under the radar. Every guy on here is a stone cold fox—just look at my hell to the no guy—he looks like Ashton Kutcher!
The only reason I hell-to-the-no'd him is because he reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who refuses to let me have joint custody of our dog.
But I digress. It's time to start a profile, send messages, get some phone numbers, and meet people!
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My only trepidation is that most of these stone cold foxes only have one photo up, which is usually the mark of a cat fish. That's a big red flag for most dating sites and social media. Luckily they have a photo verification system.
Anyway, being on Zoosk is how I imagine most guys feel at Hooters. Boobs, wings, beer, boobs, wings, beer. Boobs. Boobs. Ass. Boob. Scrotum.
See how deftly I segued into my own experience?
Fuck. I am so fucking talented.
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Zoosk has a rating system wherein other members judge you on your general symmetry.
After 3 days of being on the site, I scored as somewhat popular, which only brought back memories of cutting and high school bulimia.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: 1 to 5
BEST PICK UP LINE: "I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman." Actually, the guy had it with an exclamation point on the end but it's so much funnier without it.
WORST PICK UP LINE: "No hook ups, please." Why, 'cuz you're on your period?
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 20
HOTTEST GUY:
![Super got guy on Zoosk]()
Now performing on Chippendale's main stage...
Approach/Chat Up Line: "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard." OK, he didn't really say that but I think I might make that my new pick up line. Starting now.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: No but really his screen name has the number 69 in it.
Closing Skills: FB brings the ruckus to the ladies.
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GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
![Cute nice guy on Zoosk]()
Clean cut. Age appropriate. And already bald so I don't have to dread the process.
Look at that profile pic
Approach/Chat Up Line: "What happens in Vegas..."
Conversational Skills/Rapport: Wholesome, hearty, likely Republican.
Closing Skills: My mom would totally fuck him. And then hit the craps table.
Female Masturbation Has A New Name!
WEIRDEST GUY:
![]()
Um, Wolverine called...
Approach/Chat Up Line: I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Wolverine.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Impressive.
Closing Skills: Even the weirdest guy is hot! Look at his eyes! they're dreamy!
Pat Robertson Vows The Gays Are Gonna Make You Like Anal, Oral And Bestiality
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
![]()
Let me see my dog, fuck stick.
Approach/ Chat Up Line: I dunno, something about sun tan lotion. Or yachting. Or date rape.
Conversation Skills/Rapport:I don't remember much after the second drink.
Closing Skills: Can't look at him without being pissed about my dog.
![]()
Here's the dog... you'd be pissed too....
Sexy Photos Of Hacked Celebrities That DON'T Constitute A Sex Crime
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
Dan is a handsome jewelry designer with beach front property in Venice. He looks after himself: kale, Cross Fit, Artisanal marijuana, and thusly, we went to Cafe Gratitude where our 'Deal or No Deal' model turned waitress said, "Tonight's question is: Who is your hero?"
She left us to consult and after a brief discourse, we decided on Chuck Norris, who managed to edge out The Blair Witch, but only by a very narrow margin.
So when Gemma returned with our Fortified Macrobiotic Bowl, we told her we'd rendered a decision.
"Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is our hero."
"From Walker Texas Ranger," she beamed, her pop culture knowledge belying her tender years. "Excellent choice."
And she was gone again but now Dan had a more pressing matter for the table.
"Do you believe in aliens?" he asked.
"I don't not believe in aliens."
"No, I mean, do you think they did something to Chuck Norris?"
"Why, did he disappear?"
"No, but he's like super human."
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If only he was being funny, Dan would be my husband, but no, Dan was entirely earnest. Concerned, even. I was forced to consider that perhaps Dan had smoked too much artisan marijuana.
While we shared an organic key lime pie, he tried to convince me that I have a mild form of Down Syndrome because I have almond shaped eyes.
He's probably right. that would explain why I can't fucking figure out Wordpress.
And the quest for love continues....
SUMMARY:
I've always avoided taking IQ tests because I think I might have a mild form of Down Syndrome, and now the evidence is mounting. Overall the site is easy to start using, and with so many hot active members, it's easy to cast a wide net.
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world….In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here
Ben Affleck. In response to Ben being voted People's Sexiest Man Alive, Michael Clarke Duncan, his co-star in Armageddon, quipped, "Don't get me wrong, ladies, Ben is cool, but I've seen the guy naked ... and c'mon, man! I was not impressed at all." That hurts. Or not, as the case may be.
Shia LaBeouf. The 28-year-old told Playboy the first time he slept with a girl, he put a pillow underneath her to maximize penetration. "I'm not extremely well-endowed, and clearly this wasn't the move," LaBeouf recalls. No wonder he’s always so damn angry.
Enrique Iglesias. The hunky 39-year-old loves nothing more than to wax lyrical about his teeny peen—google it if you don’t believe us. He once bemoaned the fact he can never find “extra-small condoms” and claimed, “my worst defect is from the waist down”…
Colin Farrell. Say it isn’t so!!! On the subject of his manhood, the 38-year-old Irish Lothario once said, "Let me tell you, it ain't nothing to fucking write home about!"
Jude Law. For someone with such a tiny todger, he sure gets a LOT of action. The actor racked up some sizable column inches—albeit not the type he would likely want—back in 2005 after he was snapped in the nude stepping into a pair of swim trunks. Page Six quipped that the pics brought to mind “George Costanza's infamous `shrinkage' episode on Seinfeld” while an unnamed size Queen publicist sniped, "He's no Tommy Lee, that's for sure."
Nick Lachey. In a uncharacteristically bawdy moment…(sarcasm folks…sarcasm), Jessica Simpson disclosed that her ex-husband "didn't pack too well, if you know what I mean."
Johnny Knoxville. The Jackass has compared his less-than-impressive schlong to a light switch and "an egg in a nest"
Nick Cannon. Once again, a disgruntled ex is the one stirring up the teeny peen rumor mill. The 33-year-old’s ex-fiancee, Selita Ebanks slammed the singer’s schlong in a 2011 interview…proving less is more (when it comes to words at least) the model responded with a simple “Eh” when asked about the soon-to-be ex-Mr. Mariah Carey’s package.
Howard Stern. The always self-depricating King of all Media has confessed to having a borderline micro-penis; claiming it is actually the size of a large clitoris.
Ashton Kutcher. When Kutcher first started dating Demi Moore back in the day, his (obviously not bitter) ex, Brittany Murphy, sniped, "To him, age doesn't matter, and to her, size doesn't matter."
Danny Bonaduce. Sorry to shatter your dreams hetero ladies, and gentlemen of a certain persuasion, but…the troubled child star sports a dick the size of a child star. But he sure loves taking off his pants and waving it around.
Fred Durst. The Limp Bizkit’s horrific home sex tape proved Durst is neither a shower or a grower…and he was NOT happy about it! The 44-year-old sued Gawker Media after they posted the leaked video.
Eminem. Ex-wife Kim bitched that Em had a small wang and that he sucked in bed!
Dustin Diamond. Old Screech is rumored to be so poorly endowed that he used a cock double for his revolting sex tape…Ewwwww…just….ewwwww….
Daniel Radcliffe. Bless his little Harry Potter penis! The 25-year-old self confessed “hamster dick” blamed it all on stage nerves, claiming he was so terrified his appendage shrank to rodent size during his stint in the West End play Equis. Yeah, Danny boy…nerves….sure….
Daniel Craig. The junk jury is out on 007. After the Brit confessed to using stunt penises (yep, that’s actually a real thing) for the nude scenes in Casino Royale, speculation was rife that he didn’t measure up in the trouser department. However, his saucy co-star, Dame Judi Dench, defended Craig’s cock, insisting she copped a look and that "It's an absolute monster! Maybe I shouldn't have said that. How uncouth of me!"
Mick Jagger. For once, a disgruntled ex wasn’t the cock shaming catalyst..In Jagger’s case it was his size Queen bandmate, Keith Richards. "Marianne Faithfull had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he's got an enormous pair of balls—but it doesn't quite fill the gap,” he wrote in his memoir. (Cue, can’t get no satisfaction jokes) The damage control machine was quick to jump into action, with ex-wife Jerri Hall insisting, "Mick is very well endowed. I should know—I was with him for 23 years. Keith is just jealous."
Jon Gosselin. The Jon and Kate Plus 8 star was inducted into the teeny peen team back in 2009, after his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman dished on his dick. “He was so small, I didn’t think he would cheat on me. He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. I’m serious. This is true,” she said..and if that’s not clear enough, she went on to elaborate, “he’s tiny, tiny, tiny.”
Tom Arnold. Always the kind and discreet soul that she is, Arnold’s ex-wife, Roseanne Barr went on a Tom todger takedown after their very messy, very acrimonious divorce in 1994—claiming on Saturday Night Live that the 55-year-old has a “three-inch penis.” Arnold shot straight back though, "What's small?" he asked. "Hell, even a 747 looks small if it lands in the Grand Canyon."
Arnold Schwarzenegger. If we didn’t know better we would say he suffers from steroid shrinkage—but, of course not, not the clean living Governator! Arnie discussed his package back in 1997, bemoaning to French magazine, Oui, "You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure."
Napoleon. Last and most definitely least, is a non-Hollywood star (DUH!) It’s kind of a cheat, but in this pic he looks sort of like Marlon Brando… Unfortunately for the French military and political leader, his penis lives on to tell the tale, well after its owner’s demise. The peen was chopped off by a disgruntled doctor during autopsy and has since travelled the world. “Napoleon’s item” currently resides, in a jar in New Jersey, and its urologist owner confirms it is indeed a “very small” penis”..measuring just one-and-a-half inches.
