Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, Match, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Beer Passions, Clown Lovers, Fetster, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Ashley Madison, Christian Mingle, JDate.... the list is endless.
Each week, Popdust's intrepid reporter, Suzy McCoppin, goes deep undercover in order to guide you through the potentially murky waters of cyber lovin'.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on Adult Friend Finder.
AFF doesn't really have a slogan, but it ranks among the 100 most popular sites in the United States and is a major competitor to leading personals sites such as Match.com.
Fun Fact: Did you know the founder of Match lost his girlfriend to a guy she met on Match? Oh, the irony….
This week, I let my freak flag fly on Adult Friend Finder, or, what would actually be a more appropriate name, Lotta Dick Pics. It was basically scrolling through a sea of faceless heads, and therefore made it that much more difficult to find a guy my mom would most like me to date.
I mean, I was able to narrow it down to the circumcised, but, still I was faced with a vast ocean of cock, punctuated by the occasional rim shot. (see below)
But, being as intrepid as I am, I scrolled through the line up until I found the best and brightest AFF has to offer. And since I’m a gal who enjoys a good choke out, I looked forward to going under cover and meeting some like-minded deviants.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: Tied with Craigslist Casual Encounters For Highest Ick Factor
BEST PICK UP LINE: Are you from Japan? Because I’m trying to get in Japanties.
WORST PICK UP LINE: “I’m looking for a relationship.” Which was accompanied by an extreme close up of his asshole. Gaad I wish I could show it, but Proactive wouldn’t like that.
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 12
I’ve got jungle fever. He’s got jungle fever. We’re in love...
Approach/Chat Up Line: "I'm here for you." Oh, Jay. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet, little lies.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Jay is a man of few words, which left me nervously babbling to fill in the awkward silences and blurting out uncomfortable information—like I was molested by my uncle. And I don’t even have an uncle..
Closing Skills: Vanished into the cyber dating ether. Obviously, he hates white people.
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Yeah... not a serial killer or anything....
Surely my mom would look right past the cold, dead eyes and menacing smile and only see that rm_emj310md is a doctor.
Approach/Chat Up Line: He's very sensual and blah blah blah.
Conversational Skills/Rapport: Likes the expression LOL. I fucking hate that expression. Hate it.
Closing Skills: I'm pregnant. I think it may be mine.
What's happenin' hot stuff?
Approach/Chat Up Line: I love the quiet arrogance of his profile opening line, and the three periods that invite the viewer to lavish praise upon him. Total pimp move.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Not much of a talker, but I guess he warned me in his profile.
Closing Skills: What is going on in this picture? I think he might be jerking off. He's a Japanese guy who is "Turning Japanese." Also, is he double jointed? If so, I'm totally into it.
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
Them panties too, boy
Approach/Chat Up Line: Something in Spanish.
Conversational Skills/Rapport: He doesn’t speak English, I don’t speak Spanish but we found our way. I think he said that I'm beautiful. Or maybe, ala Lindsay Lohan, that I'm a donkey.
Closing Skills: God bless this guy. I mean, he just did everything right. From the panties to the belly to the fact that he’s a married non-smoker. The guy just nailed it (but not me...yet...)
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
Ben likes to cross-dress, and since Adult Friend Finder is not a dating site per se, Ben and I didn’t really go on a date—I invited him over to mine for “coffee.”
“What? You let some weirdo from Adult Friend Finder come over to your house? Are you crazy?”
Crazy is a relative term, and this reckless behavior fuses nicely with my suicidal ideation.
What didn’t fuse nicely was our respective fetishes. I was hoping for a 50 Shades of Grey type deal, and Ben just wanted to know what size shoe I wear.
I told him he might be able to fit into my pink Birkenstocks, and though he’d never attempted any shade of grey, he was willing to experiment.
So, after a forced and awkward closed-mouth kiss, I told him to put his hands around my throat. A tour de force of ineptitude followed, and I wound up being crumpled up like Stephen Hawking.
Why, it hearkened back to a time when I asked a non-dominant boyfriend to spank me.
I could feel him tentatively hovering above my cheeks, then finally, almost apologetically, strike me simultaneously with both hands, on both cheeks, like he was hitting the bongos.
The good news is that he did fit into my pink Birkenstocks.
Here’s what I learned from AFF. You can’t teach someone to have a fetish. To quote the great Chris Rock, “If you’re a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead too, or it ain’t gonna work.”
Likewise. You don’t wanna mix a cross dresser and a submissive. Sadly, I learned this the hard way.
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world…next week—Christian Mingle….
In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here
Hollywood's Biggest Dicks, In No Particular Order...
God, on the day he made David Beckham: "Okay. Give him a supermodel face, make him a world class athlete, and what the hell, give him a giant schlong." Arcangel: "But God, we just made Zach Braff, that hardly seems fair." God: "Yeah, you're right. Okay. Give him a really whiny, girly voice."
So that's why Rihanna kept coming back for more, even after a savage Chris Brown beat down: She was dick-motized.
We only have David Cassidy’s word for it, but, according to the former teen idol, he’s packing some serious peen. He claimed in his memoir, C’Mon Get Happy, that his brothers called him “Donk” as in donkey, and that people have told him he is “blessed” in the trouser department
Willem Dafoe is so well endowed that Lars Von Trier had to use a body double for the hideous penis cutting scene in Antichrist—claiming, Dafoe’s bulge is so huge that, “everybody got very confused when they saw it.”
According to Tony Danza’s attorneys, a full frontal naked pic of the actor, fresh out the shower and showing off a mammoth man-piece, “has caused and continues to cause him distress"
Leonardo DiCaprio is as endowed as he is talented, but don't take our word for it. Ask Cherry Pie girl Bobbie Brown who told Popdust, "His brow furrowed a little as he eased himself into me. I inhaled sharply—he was . . . titanic."
Michael Fassbender's date's got her eyes on the prize. Michael's Fassmember made such a splash in the movie Shame that it was considered for a best Supporting Actor nomination. Prometheus co-star Charlize Theron said it best when she said Fassbender's "penis was a revelation" and she is "available to work with it any time."
Australian singer turned British treasure, Peter Andre received an eye watering groin report from glamour model Jordan, who claimed her (now ex) hubby’s pork sword is the size of a large television remote control
Jamie Foxx displayed his donkey dick during a brutal full frontal scene in Django Unchained
Vincent Gallo—The Brown Bunny, we rest our case…..
The Mad Men star's penis is such a ham, wardrobe was instructed to create an undergarment that would minimize the distracting (cast) member. Jon's Hamm has since joined SAG and is currently auditioning for speaking roles.
Beyonce ain't drunk on love, she's drunk on dick! According to an ex lover of Jay Z's, it’s, "Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle. What do you call those things? The 20-ounce bottle. It's beyond huge. It could block the sun."
Joe Manganiello was cast as Big Dick Richie in Magic Mike with very good reason..
Tom Jones’ huge penis is almost more of a rock legend than the great man himself. And, the Welsh Lothario maintains it in tip-top condition, admitting he likes to keep “Wendell” minty fresh by bathing it in Listerine
According to Popdust's Kiss and Tell Girl, John Mayer has been blessed with such an awesome hybrid of flexibility and large penistry, that he can give himself a blow job! Turns out his body is a wonderland! Congrats, Mayer Penis.
Chris Isaak is also rumored to be so well endowed he can give himself a blow job
Ewan McGregor’s sizable schlong has been rammed down our throats (so to speak) in several movies, with full frontals in Trainspotting and The Pillow Book to name just two
According to the self-professed original supermodel Janice Dickinson, Liam Neeson "opened his pants, and an Evian bottle fell out."
And speaking of humble Irishmen, Colin Farrell, per his own description, made our Smallest Penises list—but not so, if you ask a more reliable source, like your own eyeballs, or, Christie Buckner, who claimed, "it looks like a baby wandered into a bush, grabbed an apple, then stuck only his arm out to show Mommy." The question is, who do you trust more: Colin Farrell, or your balls?
When it comes to Ray J, all we can say is ouch…..
Size really DOES matter when it comes to gay porn—hence, Simon Rex’s successful career back in the day
No wonder Jennifer Aniston has a smile on her face these days—have you seen that jogging scene from The Leftovers?
We all know Robin Thicke is well hung…. because he plastered the fact all over a giant backdrop in his Blurred Lines video—and, in case anyone thought it was a baseless boast, his soon-to-be ex-wife confirmed the fact in an interview when they were still happily in love, “Robin’s like, ‘Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…’ But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!” Paula Patton told Glamour magazine.
Tommy Lee has a massive wang. Popdust readers to Popdust: Yeah, we know.
Mark Whalberg’s Calvin Klein ads pretty much speak for themselves……
If anyone knows about peen it’s super-groupie, Connie Hamzy. She dished on Huey Lewis’ super-sized schlong during an interview with Howard Stern, claiming, "He's the biggest. I've always said he's the biggest” All hail Huey Lewis, Hollywood's biggest dick!