Well! The American Dream may be over, democracy might be a joke, New York City might no longer a cool place to realize your dreams, but don't worry-- these great United States will survive, because American Idol has yet to kick the bucket. It is here to stay.

There's been talk that this season (Season THIRTEEN) will be able to bring the ratings up, what with this new lively trio of judges-- Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr-- and with those new tearjerking subway ads that are plastered everywhere in this gd city.

But first things first. How are the judges lookin'? Well JLo is just a beaut. Harry Connick Jr. is a true verified DILF. And  Keith Urban looks like a beautiful bronzed koala bear. Not because he is Australian though. Just because it's true.

There are some pretty mediocre peeps who get through to Hollywood on this first episode, but some pretty astounding ones, too. Like Sam Wolf, the seventeen year old with the treble clef tattoo who sings "Lego House." James Earl, who Harry Connick Jr. describes as "Perhaps the coolest guy [he's] met in a long time," doesn't get through, even though he's awesome, and hopefully will someday become famous. He also supplied me with my new dinner party joke-- "Why did the dog jump in the water?" "Why?" "Because he didn't wanna be a HOT DOG." #LOLOLOLOL.

Kaitlyn Jackson was a PERSONAL FAV of mine and the judges tonight, and blew everyone away with an original song she wrote about that time her grandpa had a heart attack in the stands while watching her perform at the State Fair. What? Yeah. Couldn't help but cry like a baby while they handed her her golden ticket to Hollywood.

Who else, who else? Ah yes. There was cute lil Keith London from Pennsylvania, who sang an acoustic version of Katy Perry's "Roar." JLo and Keith were all about it, but HCJ, who has already proven himself to be a PICKY OLD (ATTRACTIVE) MAN, didn't think it was *mindblowing.* Why is this guy looking for mindblowing? Does he realize this is the first episode of American Idol and the point is to put a bunch of people through for the sole reason of making them happy? Sheesh.

Anyway, this guy Munfarid Zaidi from Miami has a great audition, and HCJ proceeds to cradle him afterwards. Now the American Idol twitter is trying to make #cradling a thing. Well, maybe not trying-- it seems to be working.

Watch the highlight performances below! Let us know what you think! And I'll see y'all tomorrow! xOxO