An Open Letter To Jessie J And Ariana Grande

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To Whom It May Concern,

I, Harry Morall, on behalf of every citizen, now, before, or evermore, make an honest plea to attempt to stop Jessie J and Ariana Grande from remaking the late '90s Brandy & Monica classic The Boy Is Mine.

The announcement was made last week to the cries and bemoans of millions. Babies cried, old ladies fell out of their chairs and died, because they heard The Boy Is Mine was being remade.

This is not a diss to Jessie or Ariana. Both of you are talented. You could probably make something halfway enjoyable, and you probably will. But that's not the point. It's the principle.

It's like taking the Mona Lisa and “remaking it” by painting a smiley face in the corner and sprinkling bleach on it. You cannot perfect perfection. You cannot remake the un-remakable. You are not just remaking a song, ladies, you are trying to effectively alter the culture with which we are all housed. You are trying to bend the rules. Well the rules cannot bend to your will this time.

I'm assuming that the reason anyone thought this would be a good idea is that Jessie and Ariana's fanbases are probably too young to even remember the impact that the 90s version had. It wasn't just some one off R&B song, it was the spawn of an entire culture. Never before had the sass been so real. The shade been so subtle. It encapsulated so much, while simultaneously saying so little. In effect, it was perfect. The 2001 A Space Odyssey of music. A masterpiece for the ages. Your children will do graduate thesis on its impact.

I know you all have had experience bending the rules, especially Ms. Grande who broke the rule of “Disney kids always make bad music post Disney” which is effectively referred to as the “Hilary Duff rule." But this is not a rule you want to break. You cannot just “remake” The Boy Is Mine. You can't. I will not allow you.

What are you going to do next? “Remake” the national anthem and add dubstep wubs and a Pitbull feature? We don't have time for these games.

Leave Brandy and Monica alone. You're aiming for a mountain top that you will never be able to reach.

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