"Big Time Rush" Recap: Cash Rules Everything Around Them

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It is a thrilling day to be at the Palm Springs if you happen to be in BTR, because our brahs just found out their record company is giving them A BONUS! A $20,000 bonus, actually, which hypes up the boys so much they get giddy like a bunch of small town kids who just found out they were chosen to be in a—eh, you get it.

Twenty thousand dollars. That’s a lot of cash. So what do the boys decide to do with it? Split it between the four of them, so they can each act out their individually weird desires.

When you give teenagers ample money they always spend it in ways that seems ridiculous to us but makes a lot of noble sense to them. First, Carlos, lazy sweetheart that he is, decides he’s going to spend his money on a personal assistant that will keep him in line and remind him any time he needs to do something important. He holds interviews and chooses a well-suited Wharton graduate over an old guy with a funny outfit. OK. Logan becomes obsessed with tipping—he can’t stop handing out money to nice people who help him. James buys a goddamn anaconda to impress Lucy since she mentions snakes a lot in her lyrics. He thinks it will bring him closer to her if he presents her with a giant yellow snake. And Kendall, bless his soul, decides that investing his money would make the most sense—only he invests in a truckload of a thousand oranges.

Carlos is actually winning in this ep: his personal assistant is actually working out great for him, getting him interviews and getting him studio time. James, not so much—when he presents the snake to Lucy at her front door, girl freaks and is like “I don’t like snakes, I just use them as metaphors for bad guys in my songs.” (LOLOLOLOL) James feels really stupid after that, because he’s standing in front of Lucy’s door with a big snake around his neck. You’d feel stupid too. And then the gigantic snake disappears into the floorboards of Palm Springs—which, honestly, should be a much bigger fright for everyone than they make it out to be.

Man, this show is sweet. Even at its corniest—even with James dressing up as a sultan to snake-whisper himself back to normalcy, and even with earnest lil’ Kendall trying to figure out how he’s supposed to make money off a truckload of oranges he bought with his five thousand dollars—you really feel a heaving sigh of sadness every time a half-hour of “Big Time Rush” ends. The kids of today are feeling it too. See? I’m not the only one who finds this show irresistible.

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