CULTURE

Boris Johnson Hid in a Fridge to Escape Piers Morgan—and You Would, Too

Even monsters can be scared of monsters

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With the UK election upon us, incumbent Prime Minister Boris Johnson has come under fire again.

But this time it's not for a racist novel, sexual assault, printing a massive lie on the side of a bus, or being an alcoholic. This time Boris is being called a coward, of all things, for the perfectly human response of running away from Piers Morgan.

piers morgan creep Winner of the Miss World Pageant attempting to save viewers from Morgan's faceThe Sun

Picture the scene: In a moment of weakness you agreed to an interview with Piers Morgan—a man who believes that wearing a baby carrier is emasculating and that "Pythagoras's theorem" has decimal points he can use to make women feel dumb. Now, a reporter is approaching you to collect on that promise. You don't want to be polite or pretend to have any respect for a man who thinks Muhammed Ali was more racist than Donald Trump and actively pursues Twitter feuds with Chrissy Teigen in which he attacks her "impudence." Of course you don't. Why would anyone want to do that? So you look around for the quickest escape route, but there's nowhere to go except…the fridge.

Indiana Jones taught you that refrigerators can protect you from a nuclear blast. For a moment, maybe you can make yourself believe that this fridge will protect you from whatever radiation pompousness gives off. Can you honestly say that you wouldn't dive into that fridge and seal it behind you? Sure, Piers Morgan isn't the one holding the microphone, but the man holding the microphone is pushing that promised interview with Morgan, and you can't be sure that the man himself won't pop out of a corner any second with a smug grin and a question about Avogadro units or Planck's enigma or whether washing your butt makes you gay.

What Piers Morgan forgets when he calls Boris Johnson a coward for hiding in a fridge is that Piers Morgan is a horror movie monster that feeds on disgust. The harder he can make you grimace, the more of your life-force he steals. And even monsters are allowed to be afraid of monsters. So hide, Boris! Don't come out with a milk crate and pretend everything is normal. Stay in your bunker. Hide like your life depends on it. With any luck you'll live long enough to lose the election.