Study David Guetta's facial expressions closely in the video for "Little Bad Girl," which astonishingly managed to get a premiere without being teased to the '80s. He has two modes of expression: the "oh man, I am so into this beat, which is why I keep reusing it" face, and the "Wow. Holy shit. That just happened" face. Why, he's got as many expressions as he has songs!

OK, OK, the "Little Bad Girl" video is much better than what we finally saw of "Where Them Girls At." Taio Cruz spends most of his time skulking through the club, Ludacris shouts things through a megaphone and sounds fifty times more energized as anything else in the track, and multiple extras dance, run or gape at things. Unfortunately, the video also commits some crimes. Let's play judge! First, the video evidence, then the charges and sentence:


David Guetta would surely love a world where guys dressed up as robots that crop-dust people with glitter and women dressed up in bodysuits with Christmas-light G-strings or necklaces made out of glowstick rings. Unlike David Guetta's world, the Earth is not composed entirely of neon. We also saw a purple vinyl bra with a jeweled necklace/vest/stomach fannypack thing, a gaudy color-block guy's shirt, a totally '90s crop top/jorts/belly-button stud combo and goodness knows what else. None of these are good ideas.


Let's talk about Demeter. Who is Demeter? Demeter is the Greek god of nature, who got really angry when her daughter Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the underworld. She was so unhappy that she, like David Guetta, decided to plunge the world into darkness, not all different from that blacked-out Earth that gets many frames. You know what happened during this endless night? Death. Famine. Barren, ugly ground. The people were too busy dying to do much dancing, let alone gallivanting on the beach or frolicking in neon lights. Turns out endless night isn't such a good thing!


Let's count: many bottles of a certain brand of artificially-colored sugar water that does nothing for your health or hangover; a certain brand of shoes that, if you take the video's word, is really good for foot-tapping; a certain brand of cell phone that actually isn't so much of a crime because it means we can laugh at David Guetta having an app called "David Guetta." And at least he remembered to sync the time to the time of the video! Too bad product placement done thoroughly is still product placement, and product placement always sucks.


Yo Guetta, taking a cell-phone picture of a woman from the DJ booth is really creepy.

SENTENCE: Two weeks at Rihanna's songwriting camp. These up-and-comers could teach you a thing or two! Or at least a new beat or two, after which you should be good for the next decade.