Diane Warren, who (as predicted) won the Best Original Song Golden Globe last night for the Burlesque scenery-chewer "You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me," has what can charitably be called a massive catalog that includes such lite-rock mainstays as Michael Bolton's "How Can We Be Lovers," Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," and DeBarge's "Rhythm Of The Night."
But where does her latest bit of hardware-worthy songwriting fit in, quality-wise, with her body of work?
After some highly scientific music-crunching (and YouTube streaming), we've figured out that the Cher-sung, seemingly Celine-tailored "Seen" comes in at No. 135 on Warren's personal countdown; it's got the right amount of self-promotional oomph, but it's not as over the top as "Lovers," or as swingy as Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain." (Honestly, it would probably be ranked a tad higher if Dion sang it—especially if the emotive Québecois singer engaged in a bit of chest-thumping during her performance.) The two tracks that bookend it are below.
No. 136: Alice Cooper - "Bed Of Nails"
Warren co-wrote this track with the grizzled growler and fellow songwriting svengali Desmond Child, and it manages to mash together the descending scale from the Phantom Of The Opera theme, vaguely thrashy guitars, and Cooper yowling his way through some exceedingly unpleasant metaphors involving sex. "I'll drive you like a hammer on a bed of nails," followed by a bunch of "ow"-ing? At least the track's pop-metal bombast is pretty enjoyable on a purely aesthetic scale, but this is definitely Warren's most head-scratching composition—even moreso than the 1994 Tom Jones/Tori Amos collaboration "I Wanna Get Back With You."
No. 134: Alisha - "Do You Dream About Me?"
The chirpy freestyle singer Alisha fronted one of two Warren contributions to the Kim Cattrall/Andrew McCarthy/consumerism rom-com Mannequin; Warren also penned the Oscar-winning Starship track "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now." Much livelier than the chilly, lonely material that Alisha specialized in, this song seems tailor-made for scoring one of those montages where wacky situations acted out to uptempo songs replace things like "character development" and "dialogue." It's also drenched in enough synthesizers to short out a small municipality.