Welcome to this week's viral false story, that's so bad we just really wish it was true (kind of)...
The story goes:
Jonas Etcher just couldn't stop beating his meat, and in Augusta, Georgia, from whence he hails, meat-beating translates to eternal damnation of the soul.
“Oh hell no," shrieked the God-fearing 52-year-old meat-beater. That's when he took matters into his own hands—quite literally—and sawed off what he called his “sinful part" with an electric carving knife.
Jonas' mother Ellen stumbled into this bloody mess and summoned police and paramedics to their mobile home.
"He was really having problems with masturbation," she explained.
Let's face it, if you can't get laid on Craigslist, it may be time for drastic measures.
Doctors normally would have attempted to reattach the sinful part, but Etcher had generously chucked it to Earl, a neighbor's dog, who had eaten most of it and is likely now going to be going to hell for being gay.
“I had told him that maybe we could have had somebody build a metal glove with razor sharp spikes on the palm and fingers that could have been permanently padlocked to his wanky-boy and prevented him from masturbating," Ellen told WRDW.
“But he said that would have 'been itchy.' So I guess he thought sawing his thing off was the better solution. I am proud of him from trying to lead a life of purity, but now he's going to have to go on disability as he won't be able to work at Applebee's while he recovers."
Doctors say Jonas will make a full recovery but will have to wear a catheter and urine bag.
He's also sent proof of castration papers to heaven and is hoping for early admission.
It's a good one right? Sadly however, (or not perhaps) it's not true.
The purported photo of poor Jonas Etcher, was taken from a 2010 story about a Kentucky man being forced to eat his own beard after a fight with a neighbor over a lawn mower.
Now, that story actually was true...because, Kentucky, DUH!