In Defense of Not Making Women Playable in Video Games: An "Escape from Tarkov" Dev Speaks Out

"We want to set the record straight on why we don't like women (in video games)."

CULTURE

Hey, it's me, one of the developers of the Twitch-famous hardcore realistic shooter game, Escape from Tarkov.

Here at Battlestate Games, we've been getting a lot of flack recently for our decision not to include any playable female characters in our hardcore realistic shooter game. Some people have even gone so far as to dredge up a 3-year-old interview with another one of our developers who said, "Women can't handle that amount of stress [of war]. There's only place for hardened men in this place." This quote is being taken completely out of context, and, even if it's not, that developer's views do not reflect our official position, which we've clarified in recent Tweets.

Our official position is that the real reason "there will be no playable female characters [is] because of game lore and more importantly - the huge amount of work needed with animations, gear fitting, etc." As one of the game devs, I'd like to expand on our position a little further, so you can hopefully understand our thought process in excluding women from our game.

1. Our game lore is about making men feel hardcore, and they can't do that if vag!nas are around.

Escape from Tarkov Battlestate Games

Escape from Tarkov is not your average shooter for average gamers; Escape from Tarkov is a hardcore shooter for hardcore gamers. Considering the fact that most of our core player base consists of shapeless softboys who could never survive the real trials and tribulations of war, the primary goal of our lore is to create an environment where these players can feel like they are realistic powerful men. It is impossible for men to feel this way when boobs and vag are all up in their faces, nagging them about shopping, and unless we wanted to turn the game into a hardcore sex simulator (which we considered, but decided was not in line with our vision), we ultimately decided that women should not be playable in our game.

In Norvinsk, the fictional war-torn region in Northwest Russia where our game takes place, players step into the shoes of skilled private military contractors (PMCs), a job which can only be performed by men with pen!ses. Allow me to paint a scene: Imagine yourself as Petrov Molotov, bad boy Russian soldier and the best shot in your private military company, BEAR.

You round a corner and a bullet narrowly misses you. You retreat to form a game plan. The enemy knows exactly where you'll be coming from, and one shot is all it takes to bring you down. But he missed the first time, and you never miss. You're a better shot, a more hardcore soldier. If you can shoot him first, and you're pretty sure you can, you can also loot his corpse. Then, just as you round the corner, you see...a female character. There she is, with her giant vag in the middle of the war zone.

Your immersion is broken. No longer are you Petrov Molotov, top BEAR soldier. Now you are just Greg, a lonely softboy sitting in your $1000 gaming chair, spilling Mtn Dew® Code Red® and Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs on your overgrown beard. You remember that time you gathered up the courage to talk to the girl you liked at school who you always wanted to talk to, but when you did, she said she didn't know who you were and refused to touch your pen!s. And in that very moment, a bullet enters Petrov's head on-screen, and the fantasy of Tarkov is dead.

2. Playable female characters are too hard to animate.

Escape from Tarkov Battlestate Games

Many people mistakenly think that making playable female characters in video games is as simple as animating a few alternate models, but that could not be further from the truth. When animating a female character, especially one in a hardcore realistic shooter game like Escape from Tarkov, you can't just swap a few facial features and make a more petite character model. To create playable female characters correctly, you need to have a complex understanding of Jiggle Physics.

If there is one thing I know to be true, it is that all women have giant tiddies. While this is nice in p*rnography, it makes animating playable female characters a major challenge for our team of all-male developers, many of whom have never actually seen giant tiddies in real life. In fact, as far as we know, every game that has ever had playable female characters needed to hire an entirely separate team of animators to properly discern the physics.

Think of it this way: If every man had a giant pen!s dangling out of his pants, it would be a lot harder to program character actions. Would the pen!s swing while the soldier runs? Would the pen!s bounce when the player jumps? How would recoil from gunfire affect the pen!s' trajectory? In a hardcore, realistic shooter like Escape from Tarkov, these are all questions that would need to be considered for the sake of immersion. Hopefully now you can imagine how hard it would be to properly animate massive boobs for our female characters, considering that is the only shape of women in existence.

Moreover, how could we possibly fit our in-game equipment to the specifications of such big bazongas? It is a well-known fact that women are not able to serve in the military because their milk-makers can't fit into the proper gear, and if no army in human history has ever figured out how to properly dress a woman soldier, we're certainly not going to be able to do any better. There's a reason that men go to fight in wars or develop video games while women stay at home and make babies in the kitchen.

3. Playable female characters just do not fit in line with our vision.

escape from tarkov Battlestate Games

If I'm being totally honest here, the truth is that here at Battlestate Games, we just don't like or respect women very much. Women are whiny and they mostly refuse to have sex with us, so why should we put them in our video games? More importantly, why should we subject our majority softboy player base to that, the very thing they hate. Escape from Tarkov is a hardcore realistic shooter game, and if you can't grasp my dog whistle, allow me to make it crystal clear. This is a game for strong men, or more accurately, doughy men who want to feel strong. If any women don't like that, they can suck our d!cks. Also, please, if you actually know anyone who is willing to do that, please send them our way.

Sincerely,

Battlestate Games, Escape from Tarkov