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Every Character in "Friends" Is a Massive Piece of Poop

Every character in "Friends" is just a big ol' piece of poop. Here's why.

Friends is a hilarious show beloved by many people.

We know this because we can hear people laughing throughout the entirety of every episode, which means it must be very funny.

But why, then, am I never laughing? I have a great sense of humor. Nobody appreciates a farcical series of misunderstandings more than I do. Two goofy guys confusing one baby with another baby, because men are inherently incapable of being responsible with children––now that's what I call funny. So how come when Joey and Chandler did it on Friends, I didn't even chuckle? Was it because my own failing relationship with my father made me realize that Chandler's children would be doomed to an inevitable cycle of self-destructive behavior, just like me? Or is it possible that Friends actually just sucks?

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After all, I've never actually seen anyone laugh during Friends. I've only ever heard the TV studio audience laughing in the background, but I've worked in live TV and know for a fact that they have "Laugh" prompters to ensure maximal hilarity. If it's forced, does that laughter even really count? I'm starting to think that Friends might never have been funny.

Rather, Friends is remembered through rose-colored glasses, the beneficiary of pre-9/11 nostalgia from a time when coal miners still had jobs, comic books were still for nerds, and I didn't live in constant fear of being shot for writing aggressively anti-Friends articles on the Internet.

Mainly, my point is that, looking back, every character in Friends is just a big ol' piece of poop. Here's why:

Ross Geller

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Friends plays Ross off as a lovably awkward nerd. Sure, he's neurotic, but he's also nice and kind-hearted and well-meaning. Except that's a heap of bull, because in reality, Ross is an emotional leech, systematically starting and then sabotaging relationships with women due to his toxic relationship with Rachel. Ross is fully incapable of holding a meaningful relationship with anyone else, going so far as to say Rachel's name during his wedding vows to another woman. In spite of this, Ross continually pursues new relationships, sabotaging his partner's life until the relationship falls apart, usually due to some shenanigans involving Rachel.

HAHA it's so funny that Ross's selfish toxicity probably leads to long-lasting hang-ups for any woman unlucky enough to enter his sallow-faced orbit. Also, his victims include a 20-year old student he was teaching as a professor, whose father he blackmails in order to avoid being rightfully outed to his university for his unconscionable abuse of authority. Ross is straight-up a bad person.

Rachel Green

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Rachel and Ross really do deserve each other, which is to say that Rachel is also a monster. On top of being selfish, petty, and a compulsive liar, she's basically the embodiment of every "nice guy" straw man about girls who lead them on. Despite the fact that she's clearly not sexually attracted to Ross during the majority of the series (because seriously, why would she be?), she thrives on his attention and romantic interest for validation. If Rachel had any sense of decency she would cut Ross off, but instead, she not only continues stoking his romantic flame but goes so far as to sabotage his relationships with other women out of jealousy.

Rachel is borderline psychotic, and the best part about her and Ross finally becoming an item at the end of the series is the knowledge that neither of them will continue damaging innocent peoples' lives on the New York dating scene.

Joey Tribbiani

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Joey is a sexual predator. He aggressively harasses every woman he sees, spreading his dumb "How you doin'?" catchphrase around the New York dating scene like one of the many STDs he almost definitely has. He uses his position as a semi-famous actor to sleep with extras and interns on his show, which is, at best, the sort of abusive power dynamic that would almost certainly get him #MeToo'd nowadays. And yet, because he's borderline mentally disabled (he once got a turkey stuck on his head) and likes eating meatballs, it's all supposed to be funny? Well, it's not.

Joey's also a pretty awful friend, dating one of his supposed best friend's exes, which goes against literally every friend code imaginable. It's no wonder that his spin-off show, Joey, was a terrible flop. Whoever thought this godawful character could carry his own show probably also thought that Matt LeBlanc was a good actor.

Phoebe Buffay

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Okay, Phoebe isn't an assh*le so much as she's just completely unbelievable in every capacity. She's basically the proto-Manic Pixie Dream Girl, a hyper-problematic, typically hipster-esque stereotype whose entire personality revolves around being "LOL SO RANDOM XD" and #QUIRKY. There are absolutely no real people like this (repressed childhood traumas usually aren't played for laughs in real life, either); and if there are, their personalities are entirely fabricated, because nobody wants to be around them for extended periods of time.

On second thought, the possibility that people who behave like this might be modeling themselves off a horrendous trend that could be partially sourced to Phoebe might make her the absolute worst steaming pile of poo poo in the entire show.

Chandler Bing

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Chandler is, admittedly, the least sh*tty of the Friends boys, but don't worry. He's still a big meaty dump. See, Chandler's entire personality revolves around being a sarcastic asshat to everyone he meets. Oh, but it's just a defense mechanism. Cool, in the real world, there's a word for people who act like jerks as a defense mechanism: unlikable. Chandler also keeps Joey around mainly to feel like he's better and smarter than someone else. And while it's hard to feel bad for Joey (again, the guy is a bona fide sexual predator), he's also operating with a sub-optimal IQ. This makes him especially vulnerable to a bad faith friend like Chandler, who gets mad over Joey doing expectedly stupid things like buying an ugly friendship bracelet.

Like, what did Chandler want? That's one step up from thinking you can train a pet duckling and chick to live in a New York apartment. Nice one, Chandler.

Monica Geller

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Unlike everyone else on Friends, Monica isn't really a terrible person. She's kind of bossy, but she's also generally nice and hard-working. Unfortunately, she's also kind of the main linchpin of the Friends group. Horrible, deceptively meek manipulator Ross is her no-good brother. Jealous, psychopathic Rachel is her best friend. She married Chandler, who's an arrogant prick. She's not responsible for Joey (that's on Chandler), but she did meet him early on and probably should have put an end to his participation in the group after he basically immediately sexually assaulted her. But she is responsible for Phoebe, who was vaguely her roommate initially or something.

And you gotta wonder, if one person is exclusively friends with terrible people who compound one another's worst traits and ruin the lives of basically everyone they encounter, doesn't that person have to be kind of terrible, too?

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