This monumental event was surely born out of a drunk conversation. “We should totally get everyone together and have the smallest penis contest. We’ll call it The Biggest Loser. Oh wait….”
Ultimately the brain child behind this majestic pageantry settled on “The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” for a title and crowds gathered from near and far to gaze upon the short changed, whilst nibbling on MC Chicken Bitches' sweet and sharp tongue, and delighting in song and the effervescence of burlesque performer Cherry Pitz.
L.A. talk-show host Caroline Fox, sex educator Kendall McKenzie and Bobbie Chaset, the owner of Kings County Bar and mastermind behind the pageant comprised the team of judges and it was they who voted upon the five finalists—Puzzle Master, the cocky Rufio, returning contestant the incognito “Peter Parker,” all-American blond “Twig N’ Berries" and the benevolent Indian “Raj Kumar.”
Each contestant testified as to their favorite sexual position and were given extra points for cunnilngal enthusiasm.
During this tense round, Raj Kumar got points knocked off for being too cutesy, while Peter Parker—the only masked contestant this year—nailed his awkward wacko routine and had the judges eating out of his hand.
The half time show was performed by Astoria comedy band Afterbirth Monkey who waxed melodically about small dongs.
Now for the swimsuit competition. The guys sashayed across the bar wearing dainty mesh tangas.
Rufio was threatened with disqualification on account of his almost average sized member, and The Puzzle Master performed a stunning tease and tuck routine, which won him high scores with both the judges and the audience.
Peter Parker got freak nasty with a splashy musical number dressed head to toe in a Spider-Man costume.
Rufio read punny jokes from his iPhone with surprising charm, while Twig N’ Berries failed with their uninspired duet with Cherry Pitz, then tried to win the audience back with some yoga moves.
Raj Kumar honored his heritage in an Indian costume and, in a Bollywood-tinged dance routine, managed to seduced judge Caroline Fox, who joined him onstage for a bump and grind.
The act with the lowest score won, meaning audience favorite and New Delhi native Raj Kumar—a 28-year-old Fulbright scholar who lives on the Upper East Side and works in digital advertising—dick slapped the competition and walked away with the glitter encrusted, penis-spired crown presented by last year’s winner, Nick Gilronan.
“I’m so happy!” Gushed Gupta following his triumphant win, “Hopefully I’ll meet someone because of this.”
“We always have a lot of contestants but at the last minute they pull out,” bar owner Aimee Arciuolo said—no pun intended.
“Raj was definitely the littlest big winner.”
Without doubt his very proudest moment, of that we are sure.