WARNING: THIS POST IS DARK AND FULL OF GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS
The Real Housewives of Westeros are having their annual reunion, and it's giving us life.
Yesterday, the Internet was set ablaze by the unexpected arrival—FINALLY—of the season 7 trailer for Game of Thrones. HBO's medieval drama / period piece / dungeon master's guide / porno is back with all the sex, dragons, and milk of the poppy you would expect. After a season 6 finale that saw everyone's favorite villainess Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) blowing up her enemies in the Great Sept of Baelor and being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) being crowned King in the North, and Daenerys Targaryen (the incomparable Emilia Clarke) finally rallying her troops and setting a course for Westeros, one thing is for sure: a royal brawl is coming, and shit is about to go down.
If you're a fan, or have the dire misfortune of being friends with one of us (not even sorry), you've heard of the trailer and probably dissected what was going on. You can analyze all you want, but we've watched the trailer a million times so you don't have to. Winter is coming, girl.
Here's our takeaway:
Daenerys has set up home base in Dragonstone.
After Stannis Baratheon's (Stephen Dillane) death by way of iconic oath-keeper Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) last season, Dragonstone was empty. Upon reaching the shores of Westeros, it's only natural that Daenerys set up shop where her ancestors once stood before plotting her next move. And can we talk about that makeshift stone throne she built for herself? Honestly.
Littlefinger is still an absolute creep.
Never been a fan of Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen), but you can't say he doesn't know how to play the game. That said, newly-minted badass bitch Sansa Stark (the wonderful Sophie Turner) is having none of his shit. "Your father and brothers are gone yet here you stand: the last, best hope against the coming storm," he whispers in her ear. If she still trusts him after everything, the girl is mental; let's hope he's next on the chopping block.
Cersei is cornered, but hungry for victory.
Now Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, with all the power that comes with it, Cersei Lannister has proven herself a mad queen and, after her iconic but problematic explosion of the Sept, a tyrant. After losing her children, the only thing that seemingly made her human, she has nothing left except her victories. "Enemies to the East, enemies to the West, enemies to the South, enemies to the North...whatever stands in our way, we will defeat it," she monologues about blowing up her foes, and it's chilling.
She's also still serving, ahem, explosive all-black looks.
Will anyone ever forget Cersei strutting straight into the throne room to claim her crown after wine-boarding the nun who tortured her while wearing THIS? Finally shifting her wardrobe from Lannister red to an imposing, overpowering black, when will your fav look this good while terrorizing the citizens of the Seven Kingdoms? Penelope Cruz as Donatella Versace who?
We last saw the youngest Stark (Maisie Williams) after she viciously slayed Walder Frey (David Bradley) by cutting his throat. Since she's shivering, she's probably homebound to Castle Black. We can only hope she makes it to Winterfell without hypothermia; there aren't great medics in medieval times.
Jon Snow is taking up the mantle for the Starks.
Our bb son Jon Snow is all grown up and accepted by everyone and is the Stark holding down Winterfell as King in the North and we're still crying. Also, he's a confirmed half-Targaryen...so we're wondering how that'll play out once he inevitably runs into his cousin Daenerys. A song of ice and fire, indeed.
The war against the White Walkers is reaching a chilling peak.
As the battle for Westeros rages, the much bigger battle for the fate of the world continues to unfold North of the Wall. The Night King is fast approaching, and everyone is shook. To quote Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham): "If we don't put aside our enmities we will die, and then it doesn't matter whose skeleton sits on the Iron Throne."
The dragons are all grown-up...
All three are back together, and coming home with the Mother of Dragons (who learned how to ride on them) to raise absolute hell on the battlefield. Are you seeing this shit? Are you kidding me? Iconic. What's HBO's CGI budget, anyway?
...and Tyrion is comfortable around them.
So, if you've scoured through hours of GoT fanfics and theories (which we totally haven't....anyway), you'll be familiar with the theory of Tyrion being a Targaryen. We're about to do some math, so stay with me: three dragons, two confirmed Targaryens alive and able to ride them (Jon and Daenerys). Who is the third dragon rider? Why the hell would it not be our gentle son Tyrion, who has already shown a proficiency for taming the beasts?
Ellaria Sand makes out with Yara Greyjoy
Prince Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal, i.e. the death of us) still has family, and although their plot line tanked, the characters remain compelling, namely his vengeful paramour Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma). After stealing the kingdom out from under the crown prince Cersei-style, she's out here kissing everyone with poison on her lips (RIP Myrcalla Baratheon, too pure for this world). Is she giving confirmed queen of the gays Yara Greyjoy (the indomitable Gemma Whelan) the kiss of death and conforming to the "bury your gays trope" that killed her lover, or is this a moment of passion? Either way, queer ladies are happening on TV, and we need more of that representation. Love it.
MISSANDEI AND GREY WORM FINALLY BANG
We know that this was tacked on to increase views and is a useless romantic side plot in a much more complicated story, but GODDAMN if we've not been waiting for this. That said, he's a eunuch...we'll see how creative this season will be with it's gratuitous sex scenes.