It's been roughly two weeks since you last saw big sweaty men hit each other repeatedly on national television. For those who haven't been meticulously following the Giants or Patriots' seasons, and don't live in the New England or New York regions where the right kind of upbringing ingrains a strict devotion to your local football team early on, you'll need something to base your allegiance on come Sunday. If you're not immediately drawn to either starting quarterback or the storied histories of each of their franchises, perhaps the homemade music videos by their fans will help ease your decision making process? Because obviously the most dominant athletes attract the most musically gifted fans. Below, our rundown of what could be the starting lineup for your Super Bowl playlist, plus the best line of trash talking from each song to help quiet the resident heckler at your party.
NEW YORK GIANTS: "G-MEN ARE BACK AGAIN" -- MISSY MODELL
Women who are into football are totally cool—thank you kindly, self—and circles of ladies losing their minds to Rihanna are inescapable between the hours of 10 and 2 on Friday and Saturday nights. Put the two together, and you have the best pre-game dance party we've ever experienced. Set to the intoxicating sounds of "We Found Love," Modell uses her connections to hold court in front of infamous Plaza Hotel, wearing an Eli Manning jersey and singing about how great it feels for Big Blue to return to the championship game.
Talkin' trash: "Why does Brady wear UGGs for men?" Good question.
"SPEND IT (REMIX)" -- TED SMOOTH
New York radio station Hot 97 delivers support for their local squad with a remix of "Spend It" by 2 Chainz, that celebrates, above all else, Eli Manning's ability to connect with his numerous receivers. All of New York can't make the trip to Indianapolis, but they can surely "get crazy" from the comfort of their own homes—and break out a few of Victor Cruz's salsa moves.
Talkin' trash: "The Giants run the league, ought to make people believers / Got the best quarterback and the best wide receivers"
"TRACK CITY" -- LOUIE C
This homemade anthem kicks off with announcer Joe Buck welcoming the Giants back to the Super Bowl, before the bass of Tyga's "Rack City" (timely!) works to introduce a little guy known as Louie C dancing in front of a brick wall—yet another thing Madonna has in common with the Giants and their constituents. Repetitive to the point of insanity, the chorus ("We in the Super Bowl/ Giants in the Super Bowl") leaves anyone in the tri-state area and parts of Pennsylvania with no excuse not to know who is playing on Sunday. As a bonus, this song comes with free dance moves you can bring to your various watch parties.
Talkin' trash: "Halftime Brady looking all cut up, he don't remember the last time he saw us / G-Men over Pats no it can't be, tell that to my dude, Chris Canty!"
"WE ARE CHAMPS" -- 3RD INFINTRY, COVERED BY CEDAR CREST RETIREMENT HOME
The Cedar Crest Retirement Home borrow 3rd Infintry's ode to champions past and present to prove that Giants' fandom knows no age. Whether on the road to Indy in an MS Paint constructed RV, or sitting in the communal TV lounge, this bunch is rowdy and ready for a fight. You don't drop a mike for nothing.
Talkin' trash: "Jet fans, they envy / You see Victor Cruz in a Benz-y," is probably directed at the wrong opponent—Gang Green already has enough work to do—but it'll do.
For the songs that get the people of Massachusetts & beyond fired up, click NEXT.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: "WE MOVE THE CHAINS" -- CLASSICK
An "official" Super Bowl anthem that focuses on the Patriots unrelenting offense through a series of brags about how many downs it takes Tom Brady to connect for seven points. We know four is standard, but only one is really necessary.
Talkin' trash: "Tom to receivers, connected like WiFi / Crown us the champs while they're crying on the sideline." Sports fans and technophiles!
"PATS IN PARIS (SUPER BOWL REMIX)" -- MAVERIK, JAMN 94.5
The "ball so hard" bit of Jay-Z and Kanye West's "Ni--as in Paris" does lend itself to sports metaphors, and Boston area station 94.5 has laced the most popular Watch The Throne track with boisterous boasting about the 2011 Pats' accomplishments. Whether or not "That's Tom Cray" is the best application of the inescapable throwaway phrase is up for debate, but Patriot fans will likely let their three Super Bowl wins in the last 10 years do the talking.
Talkin' trash: "His worst game all year and we still won, what's up Ravens?" Unless you hate the Ravens, in which case, our sincerest apologies.
"I GET HYPE" -- FEWCHA
With a monstrous season, it's no wonder Rob Gronkowski is the recipient of multiple theme songs. The song's accompanying video shows a mixture of goofy photos and impressive highlights, threaded together with his most eloquent moments ("You Soy Fiesta"). Not only an irreplaceable asset to your team, but a source of entertainment as well. We're glad The Gronk approves!
Talkin' trash: "I throw that ball so hard but when it bounce it still don't reach my height." He's talking about football, people.
"WE THE PATRIOTS AND YOU KNOW IT" -- THE ALHMANNS
In yet another take on LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It," this pair of New Englanders flaunt the merits of Welker-branded facial hair and Gronkowski superhuman strength. The song relies on the cachet the Patriots franchise has on modern sports, with the aspirational feeling that one day all football fans could be so lucky to root for a winner. The decision to dedicate their performance the owner Robert Kraft's late wife is a classy move, but it's their filming location—inside a closet?—that's most impressive. Doing a lot with the little they have, like true underdogs.
Talkin' trash: "Pick it, pick it, pick it, pick it, yeah," which suggests the Pats' defense was a lot better than statistics will prove it was—sorry, but it's true.
After listening to these beautiful creations, our totally partial mind has to give the edge to New York, based on its diverse pool of fans that appreciate both profanity-laced Tyga songs and early bird dinner specials. Feel free to leave your Super Bowl predictions, or superior anthems, in the comments below.