A Guide For Talking to Boomers

OK Boomer.

"Boomer" isn't a generation. It's a mindset.

Technically, the baby boomer generation encompasses anyone born between 1946 and 1964. But in reality, a boomer is anyone who thinks like a boomer. A boomer is someone who is unable to distinguish real news from fake news stories that prey upon their ignorance. Then, even in the face of crippling evidence to the contrary, a boomer will always be 100% convinced that they're right, based solely on their feelings which they've convinced themselves are facts. Above all else, the boomer mindset revolves around never acknowledging you're not the smartest person in the room (even if you're actually the stupidest) and never accepting blame.

boomer Shutterstock/Jaime Byrd

To be clear, there are plenty of people from the boomer generation who don't act like boomers, and are therefore totally cool, and not really boomers. A 60-year-old person who marches in climate change protests and advocates for progressive social change clearly does not subscribe to the boomer mindset. On the other hand, a 24-year-old Young Republican who believes anything Ben Shapiro says is, in reality, a boomer, and should be treated as such.

That being said, older people are far less likely to be technologically literate––a fact that many boomers fail to fully grasp (otherwise, they would realize how vulnerable they are to false, bad-faith information). As a result, younger voices tend to gain a lot more traction online than boomer ones, and currently, younger voices are, by and large, rejecting boomers outright.

How do you argue with someone who doesn't even agree on the very nature of what constitutes a fact? Easy. You don't. That's the beauty of the Internet's hottest new phrase: "OK Boomer." Why engage with a boomer at all when you can just chalk their sh*tty ideas up to the fact that their brain is dying? So, this holiday season, or really anytime you happen to find yourself in the presence of ignorant, opinionated boomers, here's a handy guide on how to respond to anything a boomer might say:

When a boomer says: "[Insert literally any piece of information from any fake news article that they saw on Facebook, but their decaying boomer brain is incapable of registering as fake news]."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "How come [progressive thing] isn't like [regressive thing they miss because social change is scary to old, (let's be honest here, most likely) white boomers]."

You say: OK Boomer.

OK Boomer Credit: Pixabay.

When a boomer says: "Millennials are ruining [corporate bullsh*t that decades of targeted advertisements have convinced them is important]."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "Well that's just my opinion."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "[Anything related to bootstraps or work ethic]."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "Donald Trump is your president!"

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "I'm not racist, but how dare anyone hold me accountable me for saying [insert racist screed and also the n-word]."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "Transgender people are insane! I constantly think about strangers' genitals and cannot sleep at night unless I know for sure that everyone in a public restroom has the same genitals that I do!"

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "How can Barry Obama and his cohort of transgender shadow Muslims get away with operating the Deep State when Donald Trump is president?"

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "Mexicans are invading our country to steal low-skill manual labor jobs, but I pass absolutely zero judgment on company owners who won't pay fair wages to workers, don't believe in a minimum wage that matches inflation, and see no connection between any of these issues."

You say: OK Boomer.

When a boomer says: "Pass the turkey, but just the white meat. I don't like dark meat."

You say: OK Boomer.

Boomer eating meat ABC News: Nick Haggarty

When a boomer chokes on the meat they shoved down their shapeless gullet and gasps: "H-help."

You want to say: "Hurr durr, sorry Boomer. I'm a millennial and don't know how to do anything, huh? Weren't you the guy who voted against everyone having access to health insurance? How is this my problem?"

But your conscience gets the better of you. After all, you're not a sociopath who wants to take everything for yourself and leave society in shambles for your kids and grandkids––you're not a boomer.

So you say: OK Boomer.

You give the boomer the Heimlich maneuver.

When a boomer coughs up half-digested meat on the floor and says: "Thanks. That was a close call. A health crisis would financially ruin me right now because of my terrible health insurance, but I still believe that US health insurance should be an entirely privatized industry because I don't understand how health insurance works in other countries, and I really hate the idea of minorities receiving medical assistance."

For a moment, you wonder if you did the wrong thing. Maybe you should have let the boomer choke. After all, the boomer will probably never change. No matter what happens to the boomer, the boomer will most likely never take responsibility for their beliefs or care about anyone other than themselves. Such is the mandate of the boomer.

But you're not a boomer. You're younger, smarter, more technologically savvy. You need to believe that somewhere, deep down, the boomer has a soul. So you push your generational rage down and...

You say: "Glad you're okay, Pop."

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