No marginalized group has really made it in America until Hallmark Channel panders to them.
In a recent divergence from their usual agenda of holiday-centric shlock-peddling, Hallmark Channel forayed into the political arena when they decided to pull an exceedingly inoffensive Zola commercial that–*GASP*–featured two women getting married.
Their decision to pull the commercial came as a result of targeted screeching, courtesy of One Million Moms, a fundamentalist Christian hate group who can't do math; there are far less than 100,000 of them, thank God.
Then, because Hallmark is nothing if not a cold, uncaring business (never forget that businesses have zero actual values of any kind, and exist solely to generate profit), Hallmark reversed their decision as soon as they realized that literally everybody else thinks that One Million Moms are insane. More importantly, Hallmark recognized that they were about to be blacklisted by 70% of the country for pandering to an actual hate group over a harmless commercial that is so clearly appropriate to anyone who isn't an outright lunatic.
So now Hallmark is in damage control mode, rolling over and debasing themselves in hopes that someone, anyone will still watch whatever schlocky holiday specials they poop out this year.
But if Hallmark really wants to show they're sorry, they need to go a little bit further than just sending out a Tweet promising that they'll work with GLAAD to vaguely do better. If Hallmark is really sorry, then they need to make an LGBTQ+ holiday movie that's just as schlocky as all the other shlock they spew out.
There are already LGBTQ+ films. The problem is that most of those movies are actually good, and no marginalized group has really made it in America until soulless corporations start pushing out steaming, cookie-cutter turds re-skinned for their specific demographic.
So in the name of inclusivity, holiday cheer, and my all-consuming love for terrible media, I'd like to offer Hallmark Channel a few LGBTQ+ holiday movie ideas that I think would be in line with the rest of their garbage.
The Christmas Daddy
The Christmas Daddy is a Hallmark Channel Original LGBTQ+ holiday thriller (written by a straight white person, of course). It tells the story of Mike Dapple, a handsome New York man in his mid-50s who recently got divorced from his husband. With the holidays coming up and nobody to spend them with, Mike decides to go on vacation to sunny Cabo. There, on the sandy beaches on Christmas Eve, Mike has a one night stand with Jack Crawford, a young, 20-something midwestern guy with a major thing for daddies.
Shortly after returning to New York, Mike and Jack get set up with one another through a blind dating site. Strange, considering Jack was living in the midwest only a few days prior? But as Mike and Jack's paths seem to coincidentally cross again and again, Mike comes to the horrifying realization that all of this might be by Jack's design. Can Mike escape Jack by New Years or will this be his last Christmas?
See, Hallmark? It's not that hard to do what you do. Look, here's another:
A Lesbian Family Christmas
A Lesbian Family Christmas (which, again, will be written by a straight white person because progress only goes so far at Hallmark), tells the story of a lesbian couple hosting a big Christmas party for their two very different families. Evelyn Winchester is an artist, and her parents are very wealthy and well-to-do. Marcie Jaegermeister is a lawyer and grew up in a family of very poor farmers. This Christmas, they're bringing their very different families together for the first time ever, and oh boy, these people are from very different walks of life!
Evelyn and Marcie love each other a whole bunch, but will their love be strong enough glue to bring their very different families together? Is it possible for very different people to find commonalities during Christmas? Hallmark Channel certainly thinks so. Otherwise, this movie wouldn't really be about anything other than two people throwing a nice Christmas party, and hey, that could probably be another Hallmark Channel movie, too.
The Transgender Christmas Princess
© Alberto Jorrin Rodriguez - Dreamstime.com
This one is so up Hallmark's alley that it's practically coming out their mouth. The Transgender Christmas Princess is just like literally every other Christmas Princess movie that Hallmark Channel has ever made.
Alice Haliburton is a self-insert trans woman with zero personality, currently living in Brooklyn and working at a bakery or something. One day, she accidentally drops an egg on a handsome customer, who asks her out to dinner. She tells him that she is transgender, and he says that's cool and also that he is a Christmas Prince. The Christmas Prince invites Alice to a country that is not America where he's expected to reside over the annual Not America Christmas Pageant. Will she join him and become his Christmas Princess? Alice says yes, officially making her the Christmas Princess.
Alice and the Christmas Prince travel to Not America for the Not America Christmas Pageant. There, the Christmas Prince's family turns out to be a bunch of stuffy old people who prefer to do things The Old Way. None of this pertains to Alice's gender identity, which is nobody's business apart from Alice. More like, the old people want one kind of Christmas ornament, and Alice and the Christmas Prince want a different one. It's not that serious. We get some goofy Christmas hijinks, and then at the end, the old people are like, "You're a great Christmas Princess, Alice, and we guess The New Way is okay, too," and Alice looks at the Christmas Prince and says, "I learned from the best!"
I'm happy to write any of these scripts for you, Hallmark, please don't be afraid to ask.
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