RESEARCH QUESTION: Has the popular Miami rapper Pitbull (née Armando Pérez, also known as "Mr. Worldwide" and "Mr. 305") ever had sex?
HYPOTHESIS: Pitbull has not actually ever had sex, and like Eric Idle in the Monty Python sketch "Nudge Nudge," he has affected the pose of a promiscuous man-about-town to cover up this inexperience.
EXPERIMENT: We will examine Pitbull's filthiest lyrics to judge whether the rapper's descriptions of sexual activity seem born out of real human experience, or whether they could instead have been provided through a working knowledge of Southern rap, soft-core porn and Maxim magazine.
Test 1: "She's Freaky"
One time for my freaks
That know what to do when I
Skeet, Skeet! That like it
Hard, rough, face down, ass up
In the first verse of one of his earliest hits, Pitbull explains his sexual interests to the listener, proclaiming himself a "freak" who possesses many outrageous desires. But a careful reading shows that all of Pitbull's ostensible expertise is derived from the lyrics of other rap songs. "Skeet skeet" as a synonym for ejaculation comes from the work of Lil John (who, coincidentally or not, appears on Pitbull's first album) while "Face down, ass up" was of course the preferred sexual position of 2 Live Crew. Is Pitbull, like the stereotypical high-school virgin, simply appropriating the jargon of his more experienced peers in an attempt to blend in?
You got it going on, just pull up your skirt
I know what to do with your thong!
I’ma pull it to the side and rub it down right
Let me know if I’m wrong!
Later in the song, Pitbull once again speaks boldly of his sexual experience—but is he perhaps protesting too much? "I know what to do," he announces, as if rebutting some unaddressed charge. Beneath his seductive bluster, though, it turns out there's a familiar insecurity: "Let me know if I'm wrong." He's giving himself an out, you see, without ever having to admit he might not have known what he was talking about.
Test 2: "Hotel Room Service"
Bring your girls,
It's whatever tonight,
Your man just left,
I'm the plumber tonight,
Let me check your pipes,
Oh, you're the healthy type.
Well, here goes some egg whites.
Released after Pitbull had made the jump to mainstream fame, "Hotel Room Service" strikes many of the common notes in the entertainer's star narrative: Pitbull is a sexually experienced man who travels a lot, thus women will congregate at his various hotel rooms hoping for the chance to have sex with him. But check the language: A woman's vagina is her "pipes," Pitbull's ejaculate is "egg whites." While certainly there exists somewhere a sexually-mature adult who talks like this, this seems more like secondhand jargon gleaned from a middle-school lunch table than observations born out of lived experience.
Test 3: "Dance Again"
No way Jose
Your girl only go one way? Ay mi madre!
In this verse from Pitbull's collaboration with Jennifer Lopez, we see the rapper express surprise and disappointment that his friend's partner will not take part in the performative bisexuality that Pitbull clearly expects of his own female companions. While this sort of voyeuristic homophilia does exist in the real world, it is usually not so common that a refusal to take part would be a reasonable dealbreaker for most people. Where it is ubiquitous, though, is in the world of porn, where two women cannot exist in the same room without eventually sharing some kind of sapphic embrace. More evidence that Pitbull's ideas about sex come from anything other than interactions with real-life women?
Modern day Hugh Hef (uh, yes)
Playboy to the death (uh, yes)
It's interesting, to say the least, that of all the legendary lovers Pitbull could compare himself to, he chose a late-blooming virgin whose greatest feat was selling a very specific idea of sex to the teenage American male, a vision of bachelorhood in which a willing female was just one more accessory in a luxurious lifestyle of fine liquor, expensive suits and globe travel. That Pitbull has modeled his star image on a fantasy aimed primarily at 14-year-old boys is not lost on us.
ANALYSIS: Barring a personal confession from the rapper himself (or, slightly more likely, a paternity test) it may be impossible to conclusively prove whether or not Pitbull is sexually active. But after multiple tests we can definitely say this: While Pitbull's sexual history may outstrip that of the average seventh-grader, his creative mind has stayed safely back in those innocent days when sex was still an exotic mystery seen only at a distance, rather than a messy real-life experience full of adult complications. For his masterful depiction of that mindset, maybe, Pitbull should be applauded.