Disney just announced their new slate of upcoming remakes for their new Disney+ streaming platform, and people are mad.
How could Disney even think to reboot Home Alone, Night at the Museum, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and Cheaper by the Dozen?
People are losing their minds on Twitter about Home Alone, but the truth is that I don't care anymore. I feel like every other day I'm writing a new hot take on this or that stupid movie, and I need to be honest with myself. I'm tired and I just don't care. So I've created the perfect Mad Libs-style template for all future movie reboot outrage. Please use this in perpetuity for any and all movie reboots that make you angry:
This is the worst news ever––the absolute worst! (Soulless corporation) is rebooting (classic movie from my childhood). Frankly, this makes me sick. Why does (soulless corporation) want to ruin my childhood? Who is this movie even for?
First of all, fans of (classic movie from my childhood) did not ask for a reboot. We're perfectly happy with the film as-is. How could any reboot top (nostalgia-tinted scene that does not hold up in retrospect)? What actor would they possibly cast to even come close to (actor who has not been relevant for over a decade)'s iconic performance as (my favorite character)? Nobody, that's who!
It breaks my heart to think that kids who never even saw (classic movie from my childhood) will grow up with a different version than the one I did. Imagine one of them actually thinking that (minor difference nobody actually cares about)! Changes like that perfectly illustrate why nobody should ever touch (classic movie from my childhood) and how our culture has really gone down the drain.
Anybody who wants to see the new (classic movie from my childhood) is a mindless drone with poor taste in movies. It's a shame, too, because people like that are the whole reason (soulless corporation) keeps making reboots––because they know that stupid people will keep paying to see them!
Home Alone Trailer www.youtube.com
And yes, I realize that (soulless corporation) only exists to make money. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't consider what the real fans want. After all, (statement explaining how my own identity is tied to soulless corporation) and (statement proving that I actually have no idea how soulless corporation's business model works).
Now, just for a second, imagine if instead of (soulless corporation) rebooting (classic movie from my childhood), they did a spin-off movie about (my favorite character)? It would be all about (poorly crafted fan fiction idea involving my favorite character) and they could get (actor who has not been relevant for over a decade) to actually reprise the role. Now that would be amazing! Too bad (soulless corporation) will never do (what I want), because they don't actually care about (group who shares my opinions and whose cultural weight I vastly overestimate).
In short, I'm very mad about the reboot of (classic movie from my childhood), and I just know it's going to suck so bad. I'll probably end up seeing it, too, but only to (excuse justifying why my viewership of the movie is not hypocritical).
