The Holiday season is such a time of overwhelming merriment, good cheer, and family-friendly sentimentality that it can get a little exhausting for those out there who are of legal and consenting age and want to have a Christmas a little more adult than they had when they were 7-years old.
Luckily for those post-adolescents, there are plenty of Christmas songs out there with more on their minds than silver bells and balls of holly—ones for whom unwrapping presents and licking candy canes have meanings that they don't teach you about in Miracle on 34th Street or the Home Alone movies.
Here is our list of the 25 dirtiest Christmas songs ever written, ranked categorically from the least to most filthy—and may all your Christmases be PG-13 at a minimum.
LEVEL 1: THE PROTO-DIRTY CHRISTMAS SONGS
Margaret Whiting & Johnny Mercer, "Baby It's Cold Outside"
One of the oldest and most-covered Holiday pop songs of all-time, the cozy atmosphere and flirty interplay of "Baby It's Cold Outside" masks a story of straight seduction, in which the male singer coerces the female that her staying the night is practically a matter of death ("But baby, you'll freeze out there.") In fact, in recent years the song has come to be viewed by some as a date-rape scenario, where the man ignores the woman's clear protestations ("The answer is no," "I simply must go") and continues to feed her alcohol and cigarettes in an attempt to get his way.
Eartha Kitt, "Santa Baby"
No scandalous language in the lyrics here, but the power of suggestion is very strong, as Eartha plays coy ("I've been an awful good girl"), spouts her sexual frustration ("Think of all the fun I've missed / Think of all the boys I could have kissed") and lusts for Santa in single-and-a-half entendres ("Come trim my Christmas tree," "Hurry down the chimney tonight"), all in Kitt's peerlessly seductive coo.
LEVEL 2: THE MILDLY UNSETTLING CHRISTMAS SONGS
Little Jimmy Boyd, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
Presented as a cute joke of a Christmas song sung by a 13-year-old, when you think about it, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is actually a deeply odd story of a boy watching what he thinks is his mother kissing a man that isn't his father ("Oh what a laugh it would have been / If Daddy had only seen / Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night"—uh, probably not, kid) and is only mildly less weird when you consider it's actually the kid spying on a rather intimate moment between his parents ("I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus / Underneath his beard so snowy white"—yikes.) Either way, Little Jimmy's gonna be telling his psychiatrist about the encounter in 10 years.
B2K, "Sexy Boy Christmas"
Any song titled "Sexy Boy Christmas" done by a largely underage boy band is gonna be a little bit unnerving, and especially one where 17-year-old Raz-B boasts about coming to "serve you with these lips again" and "hitting the spot and dropping the girls'..." ("Drawers" almost certainly being the implied word, rhyming with "flaws"). Way unnecessary.
Justin Bieber, "Christmas Eve"
The most "adult" song on Bieber's first Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe, "Christmas Eve" gets a little icky when the still-17 Bieber promises to "take you on a sleigh," "enter the top of your roof" and "eat [all your cookies]." The fact that Chris Brown co-wrote the slow jam doesn't help, either—does it ever?
LEVEL 3: THE PG-13 BUT ULTIMATELY HARMLESS CHRISTMAS SONGS
Bob Rivers, "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear"
Humorist Bob Rivers' crossdressing-themed parody of "Winter Wonderland" might have seemed a little more scandalous upon its release nearly 20 years ago, but by now, confessions of wearing the wife's "silk panty hose" and invitations for co-workers to "dress like Madonna" seem more quaint than anything. (The line "It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night" is still Rihanna-worthy, though.)
Fat Les, "Naughty Christmas"
The title of the laddish Britpop supergroup's holiday song is a bit of a misnomer, as the song's not all that naughty and if you didn't watch the Christmas Office Party-themed msuic video, it's not entirely clear that it's about Christmas, either. Still, the song's mischievous chorus ("I am a naughty man, naughty naughty man / You naughty naughty woman woman woman / I'll do anything, you'll do anything too") ensures the song won't get played during family stocking-stuffing hour anytime soon.
LeBon LeBon, "All I Want Is Megan Fox for Christmas"
LeBon LeBon's synth-poppy holiday plea for the super-hot Transformers star as a Christmas present is generally sweet and cute, though lyrics about "taking my sweet time reading Maxim in the can" and "thinking 'bout Jennifer's Body with my candy cane in hand" at least push the song into Parental Guidance territory.
LEVEL 4: THE BLUES-STYLE SEXUAL-INNUENDO-LADEN CHRISTMAS SONGS
Clarence Carter, "Back Door Santa"
Fairly safe bet that whenever an old-school soul singer talks about a "back door," it ain't a house he's trying to enter, and especially when it's Clarence "Stroke it to the East, Stroke it to the West" Carter on the microphone. "I make all the little girls happy / While the boys are out to play." Yikes.
Albert King, "Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin'"
The famed blues guitarist played Santa on a "midnight creep" in this 1974 single, looking for that "something real pretty underneath that Christmas tree." The title, of course, removes the innuendo entirely, basically telling Santa's intended to put up or shut up, and quit trying to distract him with the likes of turkey and cake.
Rufus Thomas, "I'll Be Your Santa Baby"
"I'll slide down your chimney / And bring you lots of joy / What I've got for you Mama / It ain't just a toy." Imagine Mrs. Thomas' disappointment when it isn't the new Lexus Rufus has long promised her, but rather just his genitals.
Sarah Taylor & Billy Mumy, "I've Got Some Presents For Santa"
Musical comedian / actor Billy Mumy's Christmas song (sung by Taylor) cranks the innuendo to ten, starting with the opening "I've got some presents for Santa / And he's got a big one for me," going through "He squeezes into my hot chimney / Where it's oh so warm and tight" and arguably climaxing (no pun intended) with "Santa Claus takes a pause from his long night of delivering / His big "North Pole" can sure get cold, his jolly butt's all shivering." It's about what you'd expect from an album with a drawing of a naked woman in a bow tempting a surprised Santa on the cover.
Lady Gaga feat. Space Cowboy, "Christmas Tree"
Yes, even Lady Gaga got into the Christmas-double-entendre act on her Fame bonus track "Christmas Tree," featuring such lines as "Light me up with me on top, let's falalalala..." and "The only place you need to be is underneath my Christmas tree." And congrats to French DJ/songwriter/producer Space Cowboy, guest vocalist on the song, on his first and likely last-ever mention on Popdust.
LEVEL 5: THE FILTHY-BUT-FUNNY CHRISTMAS SONGS
Snoop Dogg feat. Nate Dogg, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
In which Nate and Snoop take the classic holiday poem and G-Funk it up, with Tanqueray and tonics, a Santa-brough sack full of indo, and Snoop's "bitch on [his] jock, givin' holiday head." You know what they say: Ain't no Christmas like a West Coast Christmas 'coz a West Coast Christmas don't stop!
Steel Panther, "Sexy Santa"
The hair-metal revivalists bring their over-the-top schtick to the holiday season with "Sexy Santa," telling of an uncharacteristically fit Saint Nick who's "on a low-carb diet and he's lookin' great." The high/low point of Sexy Santa's exploits probably comes in the second verse, where the Panther sings of Claus, "In the back of his sleigh he's got some hoe hoe hoe's / They're lickin' eggnog drippin' from his firehouse."
Pansy Division, "Homo Christmas"
Like many of the queercore standard-bearers' pop-punk anthems, "Homo Christmas" is a sweet, funny and unapologetically specific ode to gay love. "You'll probably get sweaters / Underwear and socks / But what you'd really like for Christmas / Is a nice hard cock." Aww, Pansy Division, how'dya guess? (For the record, "Licking nipples / Licking nuts / Putting candy canes / Up each other's butts" is probably the definitive Level 5 Dirty Christmas lyric.)
LEVEL 6: THE SURREALLY DIRTY CHRISTMAS SONGS
Aza, "Hunky Santa"
Aza's "Hunky Santa"—which came to national prominence when the artist sued Carly Rae Jepsen for ripping her off for "Call Me Maybe," presumably because there was nothing good on Ukrainian TV that day—is certainly one of the weirder naughty Christmas songs, an emotionally-muted electro-pop song with a music video featuring Aza riding Hunky Santa like an involuntarily S&M'ed-out reindeer. (We bet Carly Rae still can't get the chorus out of her head, though.)
The Frogs, "Here Comes Santa's Pussy"
"Pussy" as in "cat" in this one, but that only makes the song make about 15% more sense, especially when it gets to lyrics like "Oh, Santa's such a funny clown when you get down to it / He's just a Gacy, there's a little Gacy in all of us / Santa's pretty tough with his pussy cunt." The only explanation for this is that by Frogs standards—see "Love Me or Die, Bitch" for a representative sample—this song is actually pretty tame and straightforward.
Tonetta, "The Last Ho Ho Ho"
Queen of Vagina, "Father Christmas Fucked My Pussy"
There are no words. Just watch. (Or maybe don't.)
LEVEL 7: THE UNINTELLIGIBLY DIRTY CHRISTMAS SONG(S)
South Park, "The Most Offensive Song Ever"
This South Park duet between characters Kenny McCormick and Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo might actually live up to its billing—if you could understand what Kenny, perpetually muffled by his orange hoodie, was saying. If you could, you'd understand that the song was about the Angel Gabriel telling the Virgin Mary that just because she gave a guy a blow job once, she doesn't have to change her name or anything. (Unintelligible Chorus: "You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary!") And people thought that Johnny Depp Christmas song was offensive...
LEVEL 8: THE XXX-RATED CHRISTMAS SONGS
Matt Rogers, "Frosty the Pervert"
From Rogers' album Rated X-Mas, featuring such other crowd-pleaser parodies as "I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus" and "Rudolph the Deep-Throat Reindeer." Something about "Frosty the Pervert" feels particularly deviant though, turning the kids' Christmas classic into a creepy ode to a flasher pedophile, with lyrics like "Frosty the pervert / All the kids he liked to watch / His dick did grow when he packed snow / On his cold and icy crotch." Not recommended for the easily perturbed.
The Yobs, "C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S"
'70s UK punkers the Boys would switch a couple letters in their name and become the Yobs 'round Christmas, doing three-chord, two-minute renditions of Xmas classics like "Silent Night" and "Run Rudolph Run." Most memorable of their holiday contributions might've been the original composition "C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S," turning the word into the filthiest acrostic you ever heard: "'C' is for your little clit when i go down beneath. / 'H' is for your pubic hair that sticks between my teeth / 'R' is for your rectum, that 'I' fuck with my dick." Still six letters to go, but you probably get the idea.
John Valby, "Adult 12 Days of Christmas"
An "adult"-themed "12 Days of Christmas" from obscene parodist John "Dr. Dirty" Malby that Allen Sherman probably never dreamed of. We'll spare you the complete rundown, but we'll summarize by saying that the full version begins with "12 twats a-twitching," ends with "A humjob in a pear tree," and peaks with the surprisingly and undeniably catchy singalong: "FIIIIVE MOOOO-THERRRR-FUCKERRRRRRRRRRSS!!!!"
LEVEL 9: BLOWFLY'S "THE 12 LAYS OF CHRISTMAS"
Not even John Malby can hope to compete with the O.G. of Obscene, the Papa of Parental Advisory, the Superintendent of Sleaze, Georgia rapper Blowfly and his holiday magnum opus, the "12 Lays of Christmas," a dirty Christmas song (from his Blowfly Does XXX-Mas LP) that exists on a level all by itself. To present the lyrics piecemeal would do a disservice to the song, so assuming there are no kind of authority figure within 500 square yards, just give it a listen. You may love it, you may despise it, but we guarantee you will not be underwhelmed.