EDIT (7/29/2019): They're married now and people could stream their wedding for $50. This whole thing is absolutely disgusting but also kind of beautiful, like when two slugs mate and it's gross but then you think about how nice it is that a slug can be attracted to another slug, so then you have to smile.
In this morning's edition of "things so horrible they actually kind of work," Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau, two of the most talentless, annoying people on YouTube (or probably the whole world in general) have announced their engagement.
It's almost definitely not real, but dear god, we hope it is, so that neither of them ever enters the dating scene ever again.
Jake Paul—best known for terrorizing his neighbors and possibly being the worst rapper in the galaxy—proposed to Tana Mangeau—best known for saying the n-word and hosting a disastrous self-themed convention, TanaCon—by giving her an expensive car or something. The details don't matter. All that matters is that both Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau are off the market, thank GOD.
We know it's probably a stunt, and that nothing either of them do should actually matter to anybody anywhere. Tana took to Twitter immediately, which is a weird thing for a real human to do during such an "intimate" moment.
Still, the idea of these two truly grotesque people finding one another and then never bothering anyone else ever again actually kind of elicits warm fuzzy feelings?
Surely, both of them plan to continue their influencer careers, pandering to 12-year-old viewers in a desperate attempt to sell their cheap merch and unlistenable music. But married life changes people. Maybe Jake will realize that he'd rather live alone with his wife than with a group of other thirsty men. Maybe Tana will find that with the support of an attentive partner, she no longer needs to lie to children on YouTube to feel heard.
Most likely, we'll be seeing a video a few months from now titled, "JAKE PAUL AND TANA MONGEAU DIVORCED (BREAKUP DRAMA!!!)," and both of these media-swamp-creatures will return to the internet to troll for dates. Until then, we can only hope.