BREAKING NEWS, everyone! Come on down to the ol' Internet watering hole where we're all talking about Jason Momoa's lack of ab definition in one vacation picture—for some reason.
This is real news, guys, and you heard it here last. This controversy is crazy! Recently, celebrity "magazine" (and sometimes emergency toilet paper) Us Weekly posted a candid photo of Aquaman star Jason Momoa poolside while on vacation with his family. He's in fantastic shape, but his abs aren't as chiseled as they were in the Aquaman movie because, as anyone who's ever seen the inside of a gym knows, ab definition like that takes constant maintenance.
This led a few morons to body-shame him in the comments, saying he had a "dad bod" even though he's in better shape than 99% of Earth's population. Then
everyone and their mother jumped to his defense because, obviously, those body-shamers are idiots.
I agree. Nobody should be body-shaming anyone else, super hot celebrity men included.
While like three salty people are body-shaming Jason Momoa on Instagram, here's something else that's happening:
America is completely going to s**t.
Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein has been charged with sex trafficking children on American soil. He was finally caught in possession of child pornography after years of being openly shielded by powerful friends including former US president Bill Clinton and current US president Donald Trump.
"Alleged" child rapist Jeffrey Epstein with his good pal, US President Donald TrumpDavidoff Studios / Getty
Let's be crystal clear here: Two US presidents, across the aisle, kept company with a known child rapist, engaging in shady activities together, such as Trump and Epstein hosting a private party for themselves and 28 women. This should not be a partisan issue (CHILD RAPE IS NOT PARTISAN). People should not be hoping Clinton gets pinned and Trump walks away scot-free or vice versa. We should all be demanding that every single person potentially involved in Epstein's child sex trafficking circle gets thoroughly investigated and perhaps dies in prison if guilty––Democrat or Republican.
Also, did you know that Trump-appointed Labor Secretary, Alex Acosta––the same guy who brokered an extremely lenient plea deal for Epstein––tried to defund the US's anti-trafficking program? It's almost like all the conspiracy theorists are right about there actually being an elite child sex trafficking ring, but their partisan bias is just too strong to realize that the people they like are almost definitely involved.
Alex Acosta, the guy who gave Jeffery Epstein a phat plea deal and then tried to defunds US anti-trafficking measures that combat child sex slaveryReuters
But wait, there's more!
Global warming is reaching a point of irreversibility. This is cool, because our planet will be uninhabitable within only a few generations. If we don't convert from fossil fuels to renewable energy by roughly 2035, we will literally be ending the f**king world. And for any of you anti-science goofs who don't believe in global warming despite the fact that 97 percent of the scientific community is in agreement, which you can see on the actual NASA website, global warming also means no more sports fishin'. But, hey, if it doesn't affect you directly and it makes dying oil barons happy, why not destroy the world, right?
The ice caps are literally melting.
By the way!
We currently have children in concentration camps on US soil. But let's not get wrapped up in terminology. Heck, we can call them internment camps if you prefer. The point is, human rights violations are okay with a staggering portion of the American populace, just so long as the people they're happening to are brown and you can pretend "illegal" and "asylum seeker" are interchangeable terms. Again, let's be crystal, crystal clear. If you ever played that hypothetical "what would I do if I were a citizen of Germany before the Holocaust" game, and you're okay with what's happening on the US border, CONGRATULATIONS, THAT'S YOUR ANSWER.
If you think this is okay, congrats, you're a monster.Office of the Inspector General for the US Department of Homeland Security
Oh, and also the entire Seth Rich conspiracy was planted by Russian trolls and widely spread by Fox News' own 180 pound sentient dump, Sean Hannity. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that information warfare is real and that the American people are willing conspirators. But hey, keep shouting fake news at well-sourced articles you don't like LOL!
The aftermath of a late night Chipotle bender. Nicholas Kamm/ AFP via Getty Images
But I digress. All these news stories are horrifying and upsetting and so, so, so draining. We're in the midst of a cultural cold war, and the future of America––and really the entire world––hangs in the balance.
At times like these, it's important we come together and channel our energy into something that really matters...
Jason Momoa's abs.
MMMMMMMMMMMMM MOMOA ABS.MEGA / AMA
Look, I GET IT. Our cultural landscape is really, really perilous right now. In a lot of ways, focusing on dumb entertainment news and celebrity gossip offers an escape from the sheer awfulness of everything else. Spending all your time thinking about children in cages, global doom, and which politician maybe won't destroy the country from the inside-out can be mind-shattering. Some controversy about something someone somewhere said about a hot guy's abs? That's easier. You're one person who can only do so much. So fine, as long as you're going out to vote consistently, it's okay to turn your brain off and dream about Jason Momoa's tummy.
Cuz dang, those are some fine abs, toned or not. How dare anybody say otherwise.