Joan Rivers—Her Funniest Jokes and Most Scathing Put Downs!

Joan Rivers may have left us, but her wonderful sense of humor will live on forever.

The best thing by FAR about Joan was her refusal to acknowledge there was anything or anyone off-limits when it came to her jokes and zingers. This made her absolutely terrifying to the overly-pampered celebrity elite, and it gave us all a giggle to see them squirm.

Here are some of Joan's most quotable quotes - A-Listers, beware!

"I’ve worked with Angelina Jolie. She saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR" one time, and she did."

"Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."

"Bo Derek is so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them."

"I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof."

"If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog."

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."

"Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her."

"As a Jew, I don't want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I don't want to run into him in the kitchen because there’s an oven in it and I’m afraid of what he might do."

"I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'."

"The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?"

"Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated."

"Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could even part her knees."

"Melanie Griffith is very sweet but dumb - the lights are on but the dogs aren't barking."

"All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."

"Camilla Parker-Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself."

"Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy's wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it."

"You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards."

"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."

"If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk."

"Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins."

"When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel!"

"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines."

On Heidi Klum: “The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens.”

And because she was just as brutal about herself, here are Joan's best quotes on Joan:

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

Oh Joan - we will miss you!

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