Justin Bieber Hired A Prostitute And I Don’t Know Why You’re Surprised

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I've been living under a rock the past year or so, pissing my life away and playing with the next door neighbor's cat (who is a complete cutie pie by the way) but apparently during this hibernation period I have unfortunately missed out on the shit show that has become Justin Bieber's career.

Bieber is the only person I can think of whose music has actually gotten better, but the public perception of him has gotten worse.

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Dude has peed on, fought, spit on, and basically pissed off every living human being on planet earth besides the Pope. And if he ever meets the Pope he'll probably demand they turn on some 2 Chainz in the Vatican and if they don't he'll take his shirt off in the middle of mass like “come at me bro.”

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That's one of the pitfalls of unchecked youthful fame; your fucks given do not exist.

 But the latest saga in the Bieber breakdown comes all the way from our friends down under in wonderful Brazil. The land of beautiful beaches, big soccer matches, and bigger tabloid stories. Apparently, little Bieber took a trip to a local brothel, hired some prostitutes, and brought them back to his hotel for a little of the ol' ultra-violence.

Now, people's perception of prostitution is usually generally negative. Especially here in the States. For some reason, we feel like taking someone out on a date and spending money on them when you have no intention of doing anything besides having sex with them is somehow more moral and acceptable than a simple gentleman's agreement up front, but that's another debate.

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Most people will judge Justin Bieber for buying sex. “Oh my god, how could he take advantage of those girls like that” you'll say. And then you'll go out to your local dive bar on ladies night where the alcohol is cheaper than the water and try to buy drinks for some girl you met 10 minutes ago in the hopes that the alcohol will make her forget that you're a loser and make her want to have sex with you.

Yes my friend, you are totally the moral superior in this situation.

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Now I don't know much about Justin Bieber's sex life, but I do know a little bit about the general sex lives of famous people. People have this perception that famous people can just have sex with whoever they want, whenever they want. And technically, you're correct. But in practice, that's not a very good idea.

Having sex with someone puts you in an extremely vulnerable position. And if you're someone important, like a celebrity, or a politician, or an athlete, you can't run the chance of having casual sex with someone and them trying to get pregnant or taking pictures of you naked or trying to blackmail you. Remember that time that fan brought a paternity suit against Justin? Yeah, Justin learned his lesson from that one.

Unless you are trying to be in an actual relationship with someone, really famous people should not casually hook up with mere peasants. It will bite you in the ass sooner than later.

 In his situation your casual sex partners are pretty much contained to two categories: other people who are famous/important/have just as much to lose as you do, or sex workers. You don't pay a prostitute to have sex with you; you pay a prostitute to leave, and to not tell anyone.

Apparently, Mr. Bieber got hooked up with some severely bad prostitutes and he should ask for a refund, but usually this is the mindset behind famous people paying for sex. It's simply safer. The prostitute isn't going to get on Facebook and tell all her friends about how she slept with so and so and that he had a small penis, only lasted three strokes and cried afterwards. It would be on TMZ in an hour and she'd have a book deal the next day.

Let's not be so quick to judge people in Justin's situation simply because we cannot fathom a world where every personal bond or relationship formed has to be an astute business decision.

Honestly Biebs, I got your back. These peasants do not understand our struggle. Just spring for better prostitutes next time; this is what you get for trying to haggle down sex workers.

Don't fight the Pope, and keep making stuff like Heartbreaker, and people will forget in three days when Miley sticks her tongue out again at something.

Guaranteed.

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