In preparation for Tim Tebow's big playoff game against the New England Patriots on Saturday, thought it would be most helpful to hypothesize what The Chosen One's non-bastard spawn would look like if he happened to marry one equally if not more famous female celebrity—the allure of page views draws us humans to do unthinkable things—with help from Because after Sunday's defeat of the Pittsburgh Steelers, that's obviously what's in God's plan for No. 15. Young Tebow has the option of studying his potential with a wide range of women, from Oprah to Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz, but haven't you always been wondering what would happen if he and his fellow conservative mascot Michele Bachmann got together? If and when they do, the geniuses are confident Tebow and the former presidential hopeful would create something that looks "identical" to 17-year-old Justin Bieber—and we imagine he'd come out looking just like a real boy, too, with his endorsement deals and record contracts lined up on the delivery table, and Usher ready to whisk him away from the hospital in the Batmobile. Now that she's single, the masterminds also have their eyes on Katy Perry, plus new mom Beyoncé—whose Tebowfied offspring comes out of the womb with "John 3:16" under its eyes—and Bieber's own girlfriend, Selena Gomez, a scenario that would create for awkward family dinners and difficult to explain tax returns.

Basically what you have here is a marriage of three completely unrelated proper nouns for S.E.O. purposes and our own morning laughter. But since Tebow's unbelievable and unpredictable performances this season have warranted multiple theme songs, we're confident he's only a Tom Brady defeat away from launching his own world tour. We love a liturgical dance number.