Welcome to Popdust's worst quotes of the week: our definitive ranking of the top three dumbest, silliest, and lamest things said by public figures over the past seven days.
3. Jessica Alba
"Looking back, when I shot my first InStyle cover, I was insecure. I felt like I needed to be someone I wasn't in order to be accepted...Who am I now? I give zero fucks. I have three children. They've exploded my body, and I'm cool with it."
Look, body positivity is awesome. Embracing yourself for who you are is great, too. Everybody should love themselves—unless they're awful, in which case they should do better. But somehow, Jessica Alba talking about how she's totally cool with her "exploded" body rings hollow. Like, come on, you're Jessica Alba.
Obviously, Alba is totally allowed to struggle with her own self-image and be honest about those struggles. Surely she has some scars and bumps after three pregnancies. But post-triple-pregnancy, Jessica Alba is still within the top 1% of Western beauty standards. No matter how bad you ever thought you looked, you're Jessica f**king Alba.
In all seriousness, Jessica Alba didn't say anything wrong. But maybe instead of celebrating an objectively gorgeous person's body acceptance, we should just not body shame people in the first place. How about that?
2. Joe Biden
"Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids—wealthy kids, black kids, Asian kids. No, I really mean it, but think how we think about it."
Joe Biden is very old. Sometimes very old people say things they shouldn't because times have changed, but they have not. So when Joe says poor kids can be just as talented as white kids, that's actually a very progressive stance considering he was born before the Civil War.
At least Biden tried to self-correct, clarifying that by "white kids," he really meant "wealthy kids." Although on second thought, that kind of makes his Freudian slip worse.
This one's a two-for, too, because Donald Trump jumped in, saying, "Joe is not playing with a full deck." While we agree with the sentiment, Donald Trump insulting someone else's mental capacity is kind of like one guy with a lobotomy trying to spit on another guy with a lobotomy to show that he's smarter. In the end, it's just two guys with lobotomies drooling all over the place, and someone else is going to need to clean up their mess.
1. Kid Rock
"Taylor Swift wants to be a democrat because she wants to be in movies….period. And it looks like she will suck the door knob off Hollyweird to get there. Oldest move in the book. Good luck girl."
If an inebriated wizard granted a construction site's Porta Potty the gift of life and handed it a guitar, that sentient Porta Potty would basically be Kid Rock. Kid Rock is just like your sexist, racist, boomer uncle, except somehow less talented.
Being irrelevant for over a decade has taken its toll on poor Kid, so he decided to come at Taylor Swift for...being a liberal-leaning woman, maybe? His Twitter rant isn't particularly sensical, but it does give off a strong vibe that Kid Rock was masturbating to a picture of T-Swift and then got really mad for some reason.
Congrats Kid Rock, this is the last time in your life you'll ever be ranked #1 in anything.