Let's Pretend Every Track on Selena Gomez' "Stars Dance" Is About Justin Bieber

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We now have both cover art and a track listing for Selena Gomez' debut solo album Stars Dance. Now, who would we be if we didn't speculate each the subject behind each track's name in anticipation of the album's July 23 release date?

 

Because Selena's identity is so deeply tied to one Justin Bieber, let's just assume every song is about the 19-year-old heartbreaker, shall we?

 

1. "Birthday": Justin famously tweeted that his 19th birthday was the "worst birthday ." This girl power anthem (think "So What") mocks Justin's "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" attitude.

2. "Slow Down": Just because "Jelena" is no more doesn't mean that Selena doesn't care. In this piano-driven ballad, she expresses her concern over his recent downward spiral. In one of the more overt shout-out lyrics, she urges him to take a breath and "taste the fondue."

3. "Stars Dance": Selena's "Vogue," in which she rattles off the names of pop stars who have dancibility. After the song's final chord, she callously coos, "Oh, and there's one more guy. I forget his name..."

4. "Like A Champion": This rap (!) concerns Justin's absurd belief that sagging his pants makes him look "like a champion." (Gross alert: She slant rhymes "champion" with "tampon.")

5. "Come & Get It": Selena's "Single Ladies."

6. "Forget Forever": Selena's "The Chain."

7. "Save The Day": A response to Justin's attempt to come off big and strong last year by intimidating the paparazzi. In the second ballad off the album, Selena claims that a true hero is a nonviolent one.

8. "B.E.AT.": Selena's assertion that though she may have been Justin's "Beauty," he's now left only with a "Beat." "B.E.AT." stands for "Beliebing Endangers And Torments."

9. "Write Your Name": A deeply literal stomper about Justin's recent trip to the Anne Frank House, when he infamously wrote "Hopefully she would have been a Belieber" in the guestbook.

10. "Undercover": Based on Justin's penchant for facial disguises, this third ballad imagines what their relationship might have been like if they were undetected by the public eye.

11. "Love Will Remember": A mature bit of closure here in which Selena says goodbye, promising only to remember the good times.

 

Even if these songs aren't actually all about Justin Bieber, we bet he'll think these songs are about him.

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