Hey folks, you thinking about going on a trip overseas?
Perhaps heading-up to Vancouver, to hang out by the lake?
Maybe hopping over the pond to London—see how they're getting on with that putting the great back into Britain malarky?
Well, before you even consider packing your bags, you need to watch the new Office of National Intelligence traveler security tips video.
Because, well, you're considering traveling outside of the USA.
And, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence wants you to be aware of all the dangers that lurk outside of this fair land.
Travel vulnerabilities are greater than usual. Especially if you are traveling outside of the U.S., as it is common for you to encounter unfamiliar people. When traveling, have no expectation of privacy.
In case you're left in doubt about how much those “unfamiliar" people REALLY want to fuck your shit up, the ODNI spells it out.
They spell it out during a 7-minute gloriously Orwellian video, that we swear to God, we thought was a parody on first viewing.
Basically, in summary:
EVERYONE OUTSIDE OF THE USA CAN NOT BE TRUSTED.
As soon as you disembark you better be on HIGH ALERT!!
CODE RED HIGH ALERT! HIGH ALERT!
Because, as the ODNI video shows, the very second you set foot in a foreign country the surveillance will begin.
It's triggered when they scan your passport dude!
Oh, and it doesn't matter if you don't work in some high level secret service job.
Or if you're not some business magnet climbing the corporate ladder.
You are STILL a target!
You are STILL at danger!
You still have access to proprietary information that foreign adversaries would love to get their hands on.
As the ODNI points out, even friendly countries, even so-called allies…. ARE WATCHING YOU........ALL THE TIME...
It doesn't matter where you travel, you can be targeted. Not only by foreign intelligence services, who often operate in other countries… But also by business competitors. Even in countries friendly to the US.
TRUST NOBODY FOLKS! NOBODY!
That friendly chick at the hotel check in?
Don't trust her!
The second you walk away she's texting your room number to her shady hoody-wearing friend.
He's just hanging around outside waiting for some U.S. target to land.
That nice airy, private hotel room you feel so secure in?
Don't trust it!
There's a goddamn camcorder monitoring your every movement!
The hotel room safe?
No, no, no don't trust it!!!!
The second you walk out the door, check-in chick's shady hoody-wearing friend is breaking into your room.
He's cracking open the safe, and he's all up in your interweb….
He's downloading it all onto his weird metal briefcase device.
Oh shit son!
So, what's a U.S. traveler overseas to do?!!
Well, the national intelligence traveler security tips video actually suggests you don't take any of your electronic equipment with you.
They suggest buying a burner phone when you arrive—you know, a burner, like in The Wire.
Oh, and also setting up a temporary "throwaway" email account.
Because, just checking your regular email is a grave danger in itself presumably.
They do give one good piece of advice however:
Don't update your Facebook status to reflect your travel plans and alert the world as to your whereabouts.
And, you can literally taste the irony at this point.
Using a burner phone…..a throwaway email address….telling no-one where you are….
It's like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Because, if you have a Facebook account you've already surrendered a shit ton of your personal data and information.
Not to mention, that of all your friends' too.
You've basically bent over and taken it up the ass from Mark Zuckerberg.
But it appears that Zuckerberg's intentions are all pure—and he presents no danger.
He's not one of the “bad people" apparently.
Because, he's an American… hell yeah!
On that note, the ODNI also recommends you exercise great caution when it comes to any contact with Johnny Foreigner.
They advise being alert if a stranger asks you a lot of questions about yourself, about what you do for a living…
Where you live, what you're planning to do in their country...where you're planning to go...
You know—the regular every day life things that people out there in the world ask when they interact and mingle.
Well, people who aren't engaged in day-to-day sociopathic paranoia.
As they warn at the end of the national intelligence traveler security tips video:
When you're traveling abroad, others are likely to know of this. YOU may be watched. THEY may be looking for opportunities. Know the risk. Raise your shield.
Raise your shield/ build a wall/ just stay home and don't travel at all….
Because, Holeeeee fuck—EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU!!!
Meanwhile, if you really really have to travel overseas, here's one simple yet super important and basic piece of advice the ODNI omitted to include:
Don't walk around with your wallet in your back pocket (like the dudes in this video do)
Because, let's face it, you're way more likely to get pick-pocketed than targeted for some weird covert surveillance op.
It's a really big world….. go see it.
Scroll down to watch the national intelligence traveler security tips video
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