Did the New England Patriots hack the presidential election?
Read this insane election hacking theory before it goes viral
SportsPickle, a "sports satire website" that is objectively hilarious if you like sports and laughing, has broken the story on an election hacking conspiracy that nobody saw coming.
Though the actual SportsPickle site has been inactive since March of 2015, the staff has remained active on Medium and Twitter. This morning, the admin of the SportsPickle twitter dropped some major news on the world: the election hacks that allegedly made Donald Trump next in line to be POTUS were perpetrated not by Russia and Vladimir Putin, but by America's own New England Patriots.
While Gisele Bündchen denies that her husband (Pats QB Tom Brady) voted for Trump, both Brady and Patriots owner Robert Kraft backed Trump pre-election. The Patriots have also been known for gaming the NFL rulebook (see "Spygate," "Deflategate," and "Urinegate") and employing vicious Russian murderers (OK, we don't have proof that Aaron Hernandez is Russian, but his middle name is 'Josef'). Gronkowski totally sounds like the name of a Polish thug that Russia hired to foil the plans of well-meaning Americans (like the entire New York Jets defense).
Is it possible that the New England Patriots employed a hack on the 2016 presidential election?
Here's the whole insane theory from Sportspickle:
Trump wasn't installed as president by Russia. He was installed by...the New England Patriots. I'll provide more details throughout the day.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484143077.0
With zero recourse - and reeling from 18-1 and Brady's torn ACL - the Patriots had to bide their time through the 2008 election and beyond.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484146489.0
In time, a suitable option a emerged: a man who was loose with truth/ethics (Obama is from Kenya / filming opponents doesn't help) and ...— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484147701.0
... had an affinity for Putin and, for bonus points: had a feud with Roger Goodell and the NFL and loved Tom Brady. https://t.co/P8RuHDuxTh— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484147798.0
Trump's affinity for Putin was the big one, though. As much as the Pats hated Putin, they needed to get close to him to retrieve the ring.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484147878.0
Hillary Clinton was the worst option for the Patriots. Putin was her adversary. If the countries went to war, the ring could be destroyed.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484147946.0
What is this, Lord of the Rings?
And, so, Belichick met with Trump in March of 2016. https://t.co/d2GNqVYWLs— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484148081.0
There Belichick laid out the plans to get the ring back. In exchange for Trump's help, he vowed to publicly support Trump's campaign.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484149411.0
In case Trump was skeptical of the promised support, Brady and Kraft also publicly signaled their backing at the sa… https://t.co/vDw4QJKKM7— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484149479.0
As we all know, as the summer stretched into the fall, the supposed odds of Trump winning were slim.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484150003.0
But the Patriots didn't end their support. They know better than anyone that a heavy favorite can lose. (See: Eli over Patriots twice.)— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484150095.0
Did the Pats provide their surveillance resources to aid hacking of the DNC? People are saying that, but we don't know. What we do know ...— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484150271.0
...is with the election in the balance, the very NIGHT BEFORE VOTING ACROSS THE NATION, Belichick allowed Trump to read a letter of support.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484151681.0
Belichick is nothing if not private. But suddenly, hours before voting begins, he writes a fawning letter about a p… https://t.co/kMiR0K44pe— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484151981.0
It's not hard to figure out why, considering the other evidence. What we do know for sure is what came next immediately after Trump won ...— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484152501.0
... and that was that Patriots owner Robert Kraft met with Trump. Again: one of the first people to meet with the p… https://t.co/fzzVz72GvM— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484155269.0
That's right! Bob Kraft visited the president-elect before even Kanye West.
What do you think they were meeting about? The AFC East race? Or was it Kraft moving forward with the one man who could get his ring back?— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484155524.0
Even in November, "AFC East race" was an oxymoron. Nobody stood a chance of beating the Patriots for the division title.
The big question is what happens next. Here are the likely options and outcomes ...— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484155616.0
To get the ring back from Putin, there are two options: 1) Trump stays friendly with him and asks for the ring's return as a favor b/w pals— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484156227.0
2) Facing pressure to be tough, Trump makes demands ... and Putin happily "gives in" by returning ring he stole for a sport he doesn't like.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484156529.0
But a president they installed can do more for the Patriots than just get a ring back. Trump cherishes loyalty and will do much for them:— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484156848.0
1) The Patriots hate Roger Goodell and, as shown, Trump is no fan either. Goodell also dislikes Trump. So using the… https://t.co/q7WRnk7fOk— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484157112.0
To be fair, Goodell is hated by most of the NFL.
Trump will seek to punish him. IRS audits. Investigations into fraud. Something will be uncovered (or planted) and Goodell will go to jail.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484157363.0
2) With a Pats-friendly commissioner as Goodell's replacement - maybe even Kraft himself - the Patriots will be free to do maximum cheating.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484157667.0
Referred to above as "gaming the NFL rulebook."
3) With zero league oversight, the Patriots will cheat away and win more rings. So they'll get their old ring back AND gain many more.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484157884.0
4) If anyone should still accuse Belichick and Brady of wrongdoing, Trump can just pardon them before he leaves office.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484157942.0
So concludes the SportsPickle investigation. We'll see if any so-called "real" news organizations have the guts to take it from here.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484158087.0
POPDUST HAS THE GUTS. DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
And, hey, @PulitzerPrize people. Do what's right.— The Pickle (@The Pickle) 1484158132.0
Yes, @PulitzerPrize people, do what's right and give me a Pulitzer, for pasting these tweets.
Surely, there is enough evidence to impeach Trump now that he's been revealed to be in bed with as corrupt an organization as the New England Patriots.
