[Editor's note: These thoughts are entirely my own – read at your own risk]
If you're reading this, you're probably in the "contacts" list in my phone, which means you probably heard from me between midnight and 6am this morning.
People on this list include but are not limited to:
- My mom
- That girl whose writing I really respect, even though we've only met like twice in real life
- The really-cute-but-way-out-of-my-league bartender from my favorite bar, who stood next to me and got me blackout drunk as I watched the world descend into madness
- Girl from that one really awkward Tinder date, late in 2013
- Best friend from middle school who now lives in the UK
- Random followers of my meme pages
If I texted you between the hours of midnight and 6am and caused you any emotion at all aside from the unsettling fear and dread that had, I'm certain, already set in.
My messages were likely words of encouragement or solidarity – "Stand strong" – "Keep fighting the good fight" – "I love you."
I'll be the first to admit my words were unwarranted, but I was panicking. There is no way to describe how I felt last night, and if I caused you any to think less of me by sending you a message when I thought the world was ending.
I'm not apologizing for what I said to you last night, when I thought the world was ending. If I reached out to you, it was because you are someone whose hand I wanted to hold. Someone I wanted to comfort. Maybe someone who I thought could bring me some comfort.
I'm so sorry for what has happened. I'm so sorry that I stood powerlessly by and allowed it to happen. I'm sorry that a candidate openly endorsed by the KKK, a man who is a symbol of vehement oppression, was allowed to get this far. I'm sorry that we lost the fight on climate change. I'm sorry that the American economy may tank. I'm sorry that this is the reality that we all have to live in for the next four years.
I'm not sorry because I texted you last night. I texted you last night, as I watched the world burn itself down, to tell you that I love you. To tell you that you have an ally in me. If I texted you last night, it is because you are near and dear to me, and if the world was ending, I wanted you to know that I love you.
I am at a loss. I don't know what to say to make things better.
I'm sorry I blew up your phone last night when I thought the world was ending – but I'm even more sorry for what we have to endure for the next four years.
Also, if you feel like I should have been blowing up your phone last night, but I didn't, just know I love you too but I know you're busy AF and I respect your sleep schedule. You know who you are.