Unsheathe your corn cobs and load your potato guns, because the War on Thanksgiving is nigh.
As you mash you potatoes and baste your turkeys, you might not have realized that a war is raging right outside your kitchen window–the War on Thanksgiving.
According to Donald Trump and the geniuses at FOX News, someone somewhere maybe wants to change the name of Thanksgiving (but probably not), and that means it's time to rile up our dumbest, most frothing countrymen.
THANKSGIVING SAVED: President Trump Says Democrats HATE Thanksgiving www.youtube.com
Yes, the War on Thanksgiving, much like The War on Christmas, is upon us, and Twitter is reacting in turn.
Be careful leaving your homes, as gangs of radical liberals are roaming the streets, attacking anyone who so much as thinks about turkey.
I accidentally said "Happy Thanksgiving" in public and I was immediately seized by a gang of radical liberals. They… https://t.co/A9S8xX9yPI— Rob Sheridan (@Rob Sheridan)1574869295.0
Many brave Thanksgiving warriors are even writing letters to their loved ones as they traverse the mashed, war-torn terrain splattered in gravy.
Beloved, I am readying myself for deployment in the #WarOnThanksgivingLetters I didn’t think I’d be leaving so soon… https://t.co/8Si7Oi6Cat— Amanda Deibert🏳️🌈 (@Amanda Deibert🏳️🌈)1574869534.0
Their heartbreaking words paint a picture of what life is like on the battlefront.
“The battle of Cranberry Bog has been raging all day in the distance & I am unable to ascertain whether any brownin… https://t.co/yHjxQ3GIH0— Kaz Weida (@Kaz Weida)1574869335.0
From the sounds of it, Walmart parking lots have become particularly brutal.
My Dearest Clemmie, Soon we will attempt to cross this God-forsaken Wal-Mart parking lot & the #WarOnThanksgiving… https://t.co/fSZQhIuYFw— 43rd State Blues (@43rd State Blues)1574870501.0
And with war, comes acceptance of impending death.
The hill I'll die on... #WarOnThanksgiving https://t.co/IP5sW9IFL7— Bad Oyster (@Bad Oyster)1574873483.0
But not everyone finds the War on Thanksgiving to be such an easy topic of discussion, especially those still mourning the loss of their brave Thanksgiving compatriots.
Guys, #WarOnThanksgiving jokes aren’t funny. I lost an uncle @ the Battle of Cranberry Hill. He was going upriver o… https://t.co/Jk99tJgIU5— NotARaja (@NotARaja)1574868802.0
News of horrifying Thanksgiving weapons have been emerging from the battlefront, too, with sightings of massive flying turkeys.
I remember the #WarOnThanksgiving...the Turkeys' called upon their terrible god! https://t.co/4fxpSLXtzS— Gargantucast - ガルガントゥカスト (@Gargantucast - ガルガントゥカスト)1574874032.0
But let's get real for a second.
Am I the only one who wasn't surprised that the President deliberately chose to pardon a white turkey?… https://t.co/UFUFAGaSXF— Laura Owens (@Laura Owens)1574868709.0
After all, Thanksgiving shouldn't be about war or discontent or whether or not the president of the United States is a racist. This Thanksgiving, let's all try to remember that Thanksgiving is really about the genocide of indigenous people, and how most Americans are pretty much just cool with that. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gravy Take: There is no #WarOnThanksgiving. Which is... actually... kind of astonishing when you think about i… https://t.co/iGslwkXbG2— Heather Archuletta (@Heather Archuletta)1574875634.0
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