Quit Gym, Hit Bar—Repeat! Red Wine Has Same Benefits As Exercise!

There’s a planet, floating somewhere in the universe, where a being might proclaim, “I am going to work on my abs,” and instead of dropping to the floor to engage in masochistic body contortions, they whip out a bottle of Merlot.

That planet? Earth. According to a study on the health benefits of resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, your body receives some of the same benefits of hitting the gym, without all the suffering and effort.

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Researchers claim the compound might boost heart rate and ramp up muscle performance!

The study was conducted by a guy named Jason Dyck, and whether is name is pronounced the lesbian way or the penis way, he’s a winner in our book. The Canadian added that the discovery might be helpful for people who just can’t exercise, saying:

I think resveratrol could help patient populations who want to exercise but are physically incapable.Resveratrol could mimic exercise for them or improve the benefits of the modest amount of exercise that they can do.

Booze instead of exercise??? This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “6 pack!”

Next they’re gonna tell us cocaine can make you skinny!

To reap the benefits of resveratrol, you could also munch on pistachios and grapes. But, c'mon, #fuckthat!!!!

Unfortunately, this is strictly a feature of red wine though, so that Colt 45 in your fridge doesn’t count. But drink enough of that shit anyway, and you wont even care how you look.

Finally, a fitness regime we can really commit to...

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