The five best parts of "Spidermonster: The Musical," the latest heaping of dirt on the grave of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (from Sesame Street, of all places):

5. The gloriously over-the-top female announcer ("And now...curtain, up! On Spider-Monster...THE MYYYOOOOSICAL!!!").

4. Mr. Johnson's subtle "Hm, I wonder where everyone else is?" dig at the show's poor attendance.

3. The way the guitar and vocal line on "I Am Spider-Monster" directly imitates the chorus of U2's "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" (which, having never seen the show, we presume every song in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark sounds exactly like).

2. "It is only our 17th opening night, sir! We still have a few kinks to work out!"

1. The depiction of Bono as an indifferent, hulking, orange blob with blue hair and Fly sunglasses.