Billy sucks at love. Can SOCK MONKEE help him figure out why?

Popdust 05/12/17

Billy is an Australian stud. But his accent only gets him as far as a bunch of failed relationships with women. Even after submitting to the "swipe-left" culture of dating apps, he only ended up with silicone-filled bimbos. Maybe it was his smoking, so he gave up cigarettes to gain some more eligibility points. But all that did was leave him with a self-proclaimed "oral fixation." Dude, never say the words "oral fixation" around a therapist, unless you're ready for some very shocking news. Watch below.

I would have never thought that behind his charming heterosexual-seeming ways, this guy would have a secret so powerful that his entire love life would be upended upon visual contact with one fateful image. But it makes sense, right? The $200 jeans, the toothpicks and gum, the high school wrestling team, the defensiveness at seeing those thoughtfully censored dick pics before finally caving into a look of pure desire. Usually in these cases, the writing's on the wall. The problem's not you, Billy, but that you weren't born to love those Tinder babes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even straight man Louis CK felt something special every time he watched Magic Mike.

Word associations are never just an innocent activity to pass the time, but a calculated move by therapists to uncover a truth. In Billy's case, the truth of his homosexuality. Sock Monkee, who graduated summa cum laude from Harvard University, was always lauded for his skills of astuteness. As the first sock monkey therapist, his techniques have been known to bridge the gap between Freudian traditions and "New Wave Sapien" technique. The result? James is now finally able to live the life he's always been meant to live. (With a hulking Channing Tatum-esque 100% human male. Delicious.)

We're wishing Billy the best of luck with his newfound sexual freedom. Gay bars everywhere, get ready for this Bloomin' Onion.

Join us next week when we nurture more of our Sock Monkee fixation.