How hard is it to find a fanny pack in one of the hippest cities in the world? Pretty frickin’ hard.
I have 3 dogs. I know, crazy dog lady territory. Leon’s from a breeder, and, after procuring him I realized that was kind of a dick move.
I repented by adopting Kevin, a grey Schnoodle who kind of looks like dryer lint. And then another: Floyd-a fluffy mulatto guy (See: Black and white)
These aren't my dogs—they wouldn't sit still long enough for a photograph—so I pulled this from the internet..
I walk them around my neighborhood in my orthopedic sneakers because I have flat feet.
What’s missing from this picture? A fanny pack! Damn right, and fanny pack with which to transport their doodie bags, snausages and such.
So I embarked on what I imagined would be a brief journey. On November 3rd I hit TJ Max, where it’s never ever the same place twice.
First stop... full of hope...
Their mission statement holds up because apparently they had fanny packs last week, but they’re fresh out now.
Bloodied but unbowed, I moved on to the next most logical place a person desperately seeking a fanny pack might search : Ross Dress For Less.
I checked the purse section: nothing.
Nope... fresh out of fanny packs..
Then I moved on to the fitness section: Bupkiss.
Finally the luggage section. Nadda.
Desperate, I enlisted the assistance of Shirley in customer service. “Fanny packs,” she smirked. “We don’t have fanny packs.’
You don’t fanny packs? At Ross Dress for Less? WTF?
Then, like a shimmering oasis on the horizon, a Subway beckoned me from across the boulevard. I had endured many hardships, and was in need of sustenance.
I had the turkey jalapeno melt
I awoke with renewed determination. Today would be the day. I suited up, took down a kale smoothie (see: Entenmenn’s loaf cake) and piloted my Honda to yet another TJ Max.
This time, in Santa Monica.
Not only did they not have fanny packs, I had to explain what a fanny pack is!
Here's me explaining what a fanny pack is. Or maybe a colostomy bag. I can't remember.
So I moved on to someone who looked a bit more knowledgeable: Sarah, in women’s shoes.
She literally laughed in my face when I asked her where I might find a fanny pack.
Hey Sarah, YOU WORK AT TJ MAX! NOT BALENCIAGA. Fuck face.
Sarah wouldn’t let me take a picture of her, so I just pulled this picture of the bitchy salesbitch from ‘Pretty Woman’ off line.
Ross, Dress For Less: Venice Beach: I was told, “We are out of fanny packs.”
This is where my plight took an omni directional spasm.
I hit Children’s Palace-the super toy store with a whole lot more. Except fanny packs.
More like a stupid toy store and a whole lot more.
Then Talbots. My mom loves Talbots.
They have to have fanny packs.
No fanny packs. But they did have coolots. Now I was geting pissed.
Getting pissed off.
Next was Macy’s.
Not to look for a fanny pack but because I had to pee.
November 4. I started looking in random and sometimes empty store fronts, in the vain hope that perhaps a construction worker left his fanny pack behind.
Then, like a beacon of light or divine intervention, the answer came to me...
Ebay! Yes! Ebay!
The culmination of all of my hobbies! Sitting on my ass! Shopping! Sitting on my ass!
Check out this beauty. THE KIPLING FANNY PACK BLUE DENIM COLOR, $1.99
It arrives Saturday.