Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club Is a Greek Tragedy

Lindsay Lohan stars in this classic Greek drama.

What if, for just a moment, we take the premise of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club seriously?

In this brave story of triumph and redemption, Lindsay Lohan, former alcoholic, drug abuser, and disgraced teen idol behind Herbie Fully Loaded, has finally gotten clean. At only 32, she's not too old to start again. She's picked up the pieces of her shattered life and moved to Mykonos, an Island off the coast of Greece. There, she's redirected her passion for entertainment, opening her own venue where she can bring joy to others without needing to dwell in the spotlight — this is Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club.

But Lindsay Lohan can't do it alone. Recovery and new beginnings mean having others to support you along the way. Luckily, Lindsay has the help of her new Athenian best friend, Panos, who has taken it upon himself to bring in the best VIP nightclub hosts from all across "the hottest US cities" to help make sure her beach club runs like clockwork.

"The VIP hosts to me are not just hosts. They're ambassadors to the Lohan brand. They have to be the best," Lohan tells Panos, desperation coloring her inflection.

"The best of the best," Panos promises, assuring her that these hosts will not only be great at their jobs in every capacity - they'll be gorgeous, fun, and master salespeople to boot. Yes, with these VIP hosts on the floor, Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club will be the talk of the island. No, more than that. A destination.

Lindsay can barely contain her excitement. She's finally on the verge of something great. She trusts Panos implicitly. She hasn't felt this hopeful since her Disney days, back when she was fresh-faced, wide-eyed, and naive to the evils of stardom. Most people don't get second chances. In that sense, she's lucky. Just as long as this club is successful, she's going to build an empire.

Except there's a problem. Every single "best VIP host" Panos has found is a complete moron - a real group of fuck-ups. There's Brent, a bronzed meathead who brags about getting fired from past jobs for "slaying" all the waitresses; Jules, a woman who asks her dog if she should "be a little slut"; and don't forget Mike, a loud Italian guy who gets bread stuck in his butt.

This is Panos' dream team. And considering a business owner is only as good as the people around them, Lindsay Lohan and her beach club are in a lot of trouble.

But Lindsay Lohan doesn't know this yet. How could she?

And so the "best of the best" hosts arrive, flown out from America to Lindsay Lohan's property, the place she's invested with her hopes and dreams for a better life. She gives them a chance to get settled in their rooms, but finally her excitement gets the best of her and she goes to greet them.

Imagine Lindsay Lohan's horror when she meets her new employees for the first time, top talents hand-picked by her best friend and confidant, only to discover a group of shit-faced buffoons. They must have known she'd be coming. Was this an insult? A power play? Yet another "fuck you" from a fuck you ridden life? These people are trying to ruin her future, and she won't let it happen. Not again.

So she tells them off. And sure, Lindsay Lohan entering the scene and immediately freaking out might rehash some old stereotypes. But can anyone really blame her this time? After all, this is her chance. Her vision. Her money and future. It's all on the line. So she'll play the part. She tells one of the girls, Gabi, to dye her blue hair pink because the Beach Club DJ already has blue hair. That's what they need. A display of dominance. She'll play the bitch today, so tomorrow they'll fall in line.

Then, on the first day of work, Brent fucks one of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club's VIP guests while on the clock and starts drama with the other staff. But it's too late now. Brent, with his penis out in the ocean, outsells everyone. Lindsay Lohan comes to the horrible realization that Brent — this totally unabashedly sexist piece of shit who openly hates women — is the best she has.

Lindsay Lohan watches her dreams and future sink into the sandy shores of Mykonos. Her best friend, Panos, is a fraud. She's surrounded by idiots who "don't have what it takes."

Then again, she's still Lindsay Lohan, star of Freaky Friday and The Parent Trap. She's made it this far. She's overcome so much. She'll be damned if some guy from New Jersey who puts bread in his ass crack is going to ruin that.

Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at

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