Sports

Chelsea's title win tops this week's best goals

Watch Batshuayi, Messi, Robben and more in Episode 2 of the most extraordinary golazos from around the world this week

Game-winners crown this week's list, including a last-second stunner for Bayern and a title-winning goal by Batshuayi.

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Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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Sports

Barcelona Win Over Valencia Causes Controversy

Lionel Messi saves the game and goes on a tirade against Valencia fans.

Barcelona defeated the home team with a last-minute goal by Messi on Saturday at Mestalla Stadium in Valencia. The penalty shot broke the 2-2 tie to give Barcelona the final lead and Messi his second goal of the match.

No doubt it relieved immense pressure for No. 10, too, as he's had real PK trouble lately. His missed penalty kick in the Copa America Centenario final (the first penalty shootout miss of his career) lost the tournament for Argentina and caused Messi to retire very briefly from international competition. Argentina had lost in the World Cup final against Germany only two summers before. Messi, arguably the best soccer player in the world, still doesn't have a major trophy with his international team.

But in the early minutes of play on Saturday, team medical staff carried Andres Iniesta off the field after he injured his knee on an aggressive tackle by Enzo Perez of Valencia. Now it looks like the Barca captain tore ligaments in his knee and could miss 6-8 weeks, presenting his club with a vacancy problem in the center of the field.

After their last-minute win, the Barca players celebrated in front of the home fans. As the players huddled together, Neymar and Suarez fell to the grass when a bottle thrown by a Valencia fan sailed into their heads. Messi also claimed to have been hit. The camera caught him shouting from the field at the home fans, "La concha de sus madres, hijos de puta!" an insult that apparently translates roughly as "sons of b*tches!" (or something worse).

Messi shouts at the Valencia fans. Photo: YouTube

Now, the Royal Spanish Football Federation (RFEF) has acted on a report by the referee of the game, Undiano Mallenco, who recorded the bottle-throwing incident. The RFEF fined Valencia €1,500 for the behavior and warned them that further incidents could result in "closure of facilities."

The RFEF also chastised Barcelona for inciting the outburst, which Barcelona has responded to with a lengthy complaint on its website. The team claims to be looking for fairness and sportsmanship in general, but it seems particularly to want a heavier penalty against Valencia.

Yesterday, Barcelona lost 1-0 to local rivals Espanyol in a club friendly. Barca's next La Liga game comes against Granada on October 29, when they'll need a replacement for Iniesta at midfield. One possibility for the role is Messi, who could pretty easily drop back to midfield. Last season, he broke the all-time Spanish record for assists in a season, so it's not a huge stretch to imagine him filling in for Iniesta in the coming months.

We'll see in only a couple of days how the expert goal scorer adapts to the playmaker role.