Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have Avengers: Endgame. Let's be honest, you don't care about anything else.

WIDE RELEASE:

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame - Official Trailer www.youtube.com


When Marvel released their first Iron Man movie in 2008, nobody could have foreseen how drastically it would shape the future of Hollywood. While "nerdiness" still reeked of negative stigma, earlier comic book adaptations like Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins proved mainstream successes at the box office. But the concept of a "cinematic universe"––a series of interconnected movies where vast numbers of standalone entries contributed to a massive overarching narrative––had never been done before.

Marvel's formula was wildly successful, turning every movie into an "event" that needed to be witnessed in order to partake in the larger narrative. The best entries turned obscure titles into household names ( Guardians of the Galaxy). The worst entries (Thor: The Dark World) were just small bumps on a longer road. All of it promised to culminate in a massive battle between Marvel's greatest heroes and the intergalactic supervillain, Thanos.

Avengers: Endgame is the conclusion of that battle, the result of all 21 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that came beforehand. Today's movie market may be oversaturated with superhero fare, especially considering every other company from DC to Universal wants a cinematic universe of their own, but Avengers: Endgame is different. It's not a copycat. It's the original, the real deal, the biggest movie of the decade.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “To the End" www.youtube.com

Normally, I try to use my totally unnecessary film degree to inform you, dear reader, about what movies are coming out over the weekend. I painstakingly comb through trailers on YouTube to bring you the very best viewing recommendations. That means Chinese-language dramas, Bollywood farces, documentaries, and, of course, spooky boys. But this week I got nothing for you. Nobody wants to release their movie the same weekend as Avengers: Endgame. You're either seeing it or you're staying home.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “Found" TV Spot www.youtube.com


At this point, I'm just attaching random trailers for Avengers: Endgame in order to hit my minimum word count. Is this the one where Hawkeye shoots an arrow? Or the one with a closeup of Nebula looking angry? I don't even know anymore. I attached them randomly, and to be honest, they're all kind of the same. But are you hyped? I'm hyped. All your favorite Avengers are gonna be there––Thor, Spider-Man, Aquaman, Ms. Marvel, Hulk. Maybe Loki will be there too.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | "No Mistakes, Kids" TV Spot www.youtube.com

I have a confession to make. For a long time, I was really gung-ho about attending every Marvel movie premiere. I midnight screened with the best of them, believe me. I still have those stupid Hulk IMAX 3D glasses that were only given out during the first screening of The Avengers. But I'm just burnt out on superhero movies now. So here's the truth. I didn't see Ant-Man and the Wasp. There, I said it. I'm a giant fraud, and I'll be watching Endgame this weekend with only 21/22 pieces of the necessary information.

Avengers: Endgame

Marvel Studios' Avengers: Endgame | “Awesome" TV Spot www.youtube.com


I don't know if I have enough time to see Ant-Man and the Wasp before Endgame. I really messed up, okay, I admit that. I should have seen it when I had the chance and now it's too late. IT'S TOO LATE. I have a doctor's appointment tonight, so unless I take off work on Friday and watch it in the morning, I literally don't have time. What are the chances that the events in Ant-Man and the Wasp will heavily factor into Thanos's affairs? Does Thanos even care about Ant-Man? Thanos is a space titan with the power to bend time and space, and Ant-Man is just Paul Rudd in a dumb suit. Ant-Man is a pretty lame hero, honestly.

Frankly, I'm freaking out here. I'm at my wit's end. I know, I KNOW Ant-Man and the Wasp probably doesn't matter, but what if it does? What if End Game's climactic scene involves Thanos killing all the other Avengers and then Ant-Man and the Wasp get really small and beat him up and Ant-Man says, "Hey, Thanos, remember (insert reference to events of Ant-Man and the Wasp)?" and I don't understand it because sorry, I had other plans when my friends wanted to go see it?

I tried to read the Ant-Man and the Wasp summary on Wikipedia but it was super boring and I couldn't make it through. So if you're reading this and want to help, PLEASE SEND ME YOUR BEST ORIGINAL ANT-MAN AND THE WASP SUMMARY. Send it to info@popdust.com RE: ANT-MAN AND THE WASP SUMMARY. I will straight up publish it on our site and give you full credit, and you will be a published author please help.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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FILM

Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend of April 12

Check out Laika's stop motion Missing Link and One Direction fan fiction After.

Welcome back to "Now in Theaters: 5 New Movies for the Weekend."

This week we have a new Laika stop-motion feature and some terrible One Direction fan fiction.

WIDE RELEASE:

Missing Link

MISSING LINK | Official Trailer www.youtube.com

When it comes to innovative stop-motion animation, Laika is second to none. I'd trust anything they put out to be good, and this is no exception. Featuring the vocal talents of Zach Galifianakis and Hugh Jackman, Missing Link follows the adventures of the legendary creature and the adventurer who discovers him. While Missing Link seems to be lighter fare than 2016's Kubo and the Two Strings (if you haven't seen it yet, drop what you're doing), it's easily my top recommendation of the week.

Hellboy

Hellboy (2019 Movie) New Trailer “Red Band" – David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane www.youtube.com

Everyone's favorite "dad" from Stranger Things, David Harbour, stars as Hellboy, the titular red demon, in the latest adaptation of the classic comic book series. Harbour has a pretty big hill to climb if he wants to top Ron Perlman's performance from Guillermo del Toro's earlier take on the franchise. That being said, Harbour is a super likable actor in his own right, and it's about time he gets more recognition. The action fare here looks generic, at least judging by the trailer, but it also looks pretty fun. If you're looking for a big, dumb, turn-your-brain-off kind of flick this weekend, check this one out.

Little

Little - Official Trailer (HD) www.youtube.com

Little was executive produced by Black-ish's 14-year-old star Marsai Martin, making her the youngest person to ever hold that title on a major motion picture. That, in and of itself, makes this movie worth seeing if you're a fan of hers or simply want to support the career of a determined young woman in Hollywood. The plot doesn't look super different from things we've seen before, kind of like a reverse take on Big. It seems like a light, fun movie that'll play well across a wide age range, so it might be a good choice for this weekend's family movie night.

After

AFTER | OFFICIAL TRAILER - In Theaters April 12 www.youtube.com

After looks like hot garbage. Emphasis on the garbage. It's based on a One Direction/Harry Styles fan fiction that picked up traction online and landed a book deal. The story is about a bland girl who goes to college and falls in love with a brooding, borderline abusive Harry Styles, except they can't legally call him that, so instead his name is "Hardin." Let that sink in. You're not watching this movie for quality. You're watching it because you want to pretend you're smooching some lithe young teen. Just being clear.

LIMITED RELEASE:

Dogman

Dogman - Official Trailer www.youtube.com

An Italian film from director Matteo Garrone, Dogman follows Marcello, a poor dog groomer and single father who commits petty crimes under the thumb of Simoncino, a local gangster and former boxer. Dogman could be considered an intense character study, and overwhelmingly positive views from its international release suggest it's one worth watching. If you're aiming for a violent, dramatic crime movie this weekend, be sure to check it out.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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