Pagans, Slashers, and Wall Street Psychos: The True Story of Friday the 13th

Is it bad luck... or just the Christian church's fear of pagans?

Friday the 13th: the very phrase can send a chill (of gleeful excitement or dread, depending on who you are) down the spine. Few days of the year are so notoriously unnerving and so profoundly associated with bad luck. But where did our fear of this date come from, and why does it persist?

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When President Trump first suggested that he could "stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose voters," many people thought it was an absurd suggestion.

They were fools. Each week that passes in the Trump presidency, his flagrant corruption and flouting of norms has accelerated at a pace only outmatched by our ability to shrug it all off as typical Trump. His corruption is no longer treated as in doubt, even by his defenders, instead the doubt has shifted to the question of whether corruption really counts as a crime. And if it is a crime, it's definitely not a high crime.

This week, that journey finally brought us to the only logical destination, back where we started, with Trump's lawyer definitively stating that shooting someone in the middle of fifth avenue would not be grounds to charge the president with a crime. We did it! It took us three endless years to get here, but we've finally arrived!

And now that his lawyers have given him permission, just as election season is heating up, it's only a matter of time before Trump decides to throw his base a little red meat by murdering a liberal celebrity in the middle of Fifth Avenue. It's time to look at the top contenders.

9.Michael Moore

Trump Tweet About Moore's Broadway Show Closing

Michael Moore hasn't really earned a spot on this list, but he gets one anyway because he has seniority. He's been a punching bag for the right for two decades, treated as a man who is fully out of his mind, set loose with a camera when he should be in a straight jacket. Sadly, as Trump eagerly noted, Moore's Broadway show is no longer running, so he has little reason to be in the vicinity of Fifth Avenue. If any Republican ever does succeed in pumping Moore full of lead, it will probably be via his kitchen faucet, in his home in Flint Michigan.

8.The Pope

Good Buddies

NBC News

If Donald really wants to rile up his base, he won't just flip through his rolodex of old feuds, he'll pay attention to demographics. The typical Trump voter is a 74 year old white evangelical man from Arkansas named Del. And Del has hated the pope since JFK was running for world's h*rniest Catholic. Pope Francis would be a great choice for Donald Trump to shoot in the middle of Fifth Avenue, if not for the fact that he would most likely be found on Fifth Avenue only if he was encased in his bulletproof-terrarium-car. Otherwise, he would be much higher on the list.

7.LeBron James

A Very Stable Genius

In 2016, Donald Trump lost Massachusetts by more than 27%, but Trump is a rule-breaker known for flipping democratic strongholds. With the Hong Kong controversy currently propelling LeBron-hate to previously unseen levels, there's never been a better time for Trump to reach out to Celtics fans by shooting LeBron James in the middle of Fifth Avenue. It's something to look out for when the Lakers and Knicks face off in January.

6.Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy Teigen Taking Trump to School

True facts stated

Here's another GOAT that trump may consider assassinating for his fans. Trump's usual weapon of choice is a tweet, but he clearly knows that in this case he is out of his twitter league. He didn't even dare to @ her, and she and her followers still destroyed him. While Trump may be tempted to resort to gun violence as an alternative, he should know that in this case it would backfire, because everyone loves Chrissy Teigen (and also I used to always see John Legend walking their dog in the East Village, and they seem really sweet and fun, and I felt extra-gross writing this one).

5.Whoopi Goldberg

I know you were expecting Rosie O'Donnell, you fool, but you were wrong. Rosie is too valuable as a target of harassment and insults for Trump to even consider murdering her. No, it would make much more sense for him to go after a current member of The View, and while Joy Behar is a contender, too many white women voted for Trump for him to choose her over Whoopi. The one downfall of this scenario is the high likelihood that Trump would be unable to differentiate Whoopi from Two Chainz, or Lil' Wayne, or literally anyone with dreads, including one of those dogs that looks like a flying yarn pom-pom, not because any of these people actually look alike, but because Trump is a flagrant racist.

4.Jim Acosta

There is no media pillar more reviled by Trump and his fans than CNN, and Jim Acosta is the CNN reporter who has inspired the most vitriol. His exile from the White House briefing room was just step one. Step two: exiled from this mortal coil when Trump puts his concealed-carry permit to good use in the middle of Fifth Avenue. That said, Acosta works primarily in DC and Atlanta, so he's not the favorite for this honor.

3.Snoop Dogg

Snoop Pretending to Shoot Trump

Proof it was self-defense

Snoop Dogg used to deal coke, and Trump hates drug dealers. He has spoken admiringly of Rodrigo Duterte's murderous approach to drug dealers, why not bring it home by shooting one in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Also, Snoop Dogg shot first, so no jury in the state (of Florida) would convict.

2.Ann Coulter

Coulter Turning on Trump

I know it was you, Fredo

Trump hates betrayal more than anything, and there is perhaps no more high-profile Trump-traitor (other than all his former cabinet members) than Ann Coulter. She has joined the never-Trump crew, which Trump just referred to as "human scum." She is technically a white woman (white walkers count as white, right?), but Trump might make an exception for personal revenge.

1.Kristen Stewart

The President

Speaking of personal, Trump really does not like Kristen Stewart. Why? We don't know. Would shooting her appeal to his hooting-CHUD base? Probably not. But there is no taming Trump's irrational hatred of the star of the Twilight movies. Maybe he was team Jacob? Please, Kristen! Stay off of Fifth Avenue.

Amal Clooney took a break from her busy shopping schedule to meet the Pope on Sunday, at a Vatican event honoring George's work for an arts foundation.

The other honorees besides George Clooney were actors Richard Gere and Salma Hayek.

Amal wore a lace dress by Atelier Versace for the occasion, with a pleated turban-style hat. She was clearly delighted to meet the Pontiff but looked a bit downcast when she was not the center of attention. Sitting next to Hayek, who felt no need to cover her head, the turbaned human rights lawyer appeared to need either a stiff drink or an anti-depressant.

Just a day earlier, Amal and George were seen dining out in Rome, where Mrs. Clooney showed off her $6,300 Giambattista Valli frock for the appreciative paparazzi. She chose a pair of $720 pumps by the same designer. George had to drag her into the car as she attempted to cast her radiant smile upon one last photographer.

It's nice to see a professional woman take such care with her style, isn't it? Who ever said human rights lawyers need to be frumpy? Amal is determined to prove that money is no object when it comes to dispelling that old stereotype.

Perhaps there was some kind of pre-nup contract wherein Amal promised to spend as much money on clothes as humanly possible. George appears to be quite happy to squire her around from event to event, and photo op to photo op.

Amal has attended events on her own in the last few months, meeting with news reporters and speaking to various professional groups, but she never shines as much as when she's on her husband's dutiful arm.

In fact, on Sunday evening after meeting the Pope, Amal and George were out on the town again, to showcase Amal's off-the-shoulder striped duchesse silk-satin mini dress ($2,695) from the Monse fall 2016 collection. She accessorized with a $963 clutch by Jimmy Choo and silver Dior shoes.

If we stopped to add up Amal's weekly fashion expenditures, we might be upset by the gratuitous amount of money thrown around in the name of blatant attention let's not!

Keep up the good work, Amal! Spending money is a human right worth defending, and we thank you for taking it so seriously.










It was only a matter of time before Angelina Jolie made her way to the Pope, and now the deed is done.

Although it wasn't a formal audience with the pontiff, but rather a brief meeting lasting only a few minutes, Angie will let it go to her head, which is already close to exploding from her inflated sense of importance.

Jolie brought her movie Unbroken to the Vatican, where it was viewed by some Vatican officials and ambassadors. Pope Francis doesn't see movies, but he stopped in to meet with Angie and two of her daughters in the Throne Room, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries.

One account has Jolie kissing the Pope's ring and being given a rosary. What would you give to see a photo of the ring-kissing? In any case, look at the expression on Jolie's face as she tries to seduce Pope Francis with all her might.

The meeting was arranged by Marcelo Sánchez Sorondo, the Argentine head of the pontifical academy who presumably fell for either Jolie or her husband Brad and then got the ball rolling for Her Royal Majesty Empress Angelina. God knows what's left for her, after meeting the Queen of England and now the Pope.

Has she met the Dalai Lama? Maybe she would like to take his place, to be worshiped as she deserves, what with the acting and directing and nanny wrangling.

Ah well. I'm going to forgive the Pope for this blunder, because that's how nice I am, and as he said about gays, who am I to judge?

Okay, we're all getting confused by too many conflicting stories about this historic event. When it comes to the Kimye wedding, how can we possibly separate rumor from fact?

We've gone from Paris to Florence and then back to the Palace of Versailles We've heard that Bey and Jay Z won't be attending but then also that Jay Z will be Kayne's best man.

Anna Wintour also either is or isn't going.

The location, guest list, even the wedding dress stories are changing every minute. The entertainment press is in a tizzy trying to outdo each other with juicy updates. Let us try to get a grip on reality.

First of all, Jay Z did not send Kanye a 'gold-plated flask covered in diamonds' because if it's covered in diamonds, it's going to be REAL GOLD, for god-sake.

I know that previously, I reported that the Queen of England was attending the wedding but I admit I made that up.

In fact, here's the real deal.

The wedding will be held in The Sistine Chapel. That's right, you heard me, The Sistine Chapel. The Pope will be officiating, because he is a populist, as we know.

Kim will be wearing a gown collectively designed by Versace, Dior, Chanel, Balenciaga, Celine and Bob Mackie, who will be working posthumously.

Kanye will be wearing a leather tuxedo of his own design, with a big white hat and a white chinchilla coat.

Do you love this or not? You can add your own details, because this wedding is not only a 'closely guarded secret', it is also of no importance whatsoever! It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure story!

Have fun with it!

In case you missed it, we need a new Pope!

In case you missed another thing, we saved the world a whole lot of stress by narrowing the potential Pope pool down to nine pop star candidates. You could say we did some "pontiff pontificating" if you were looking to lose all of your friends.

One of the candidates is Canadian-Catholic teen sensation "Justin Bieber." For obvious reasons, Bieber would be a fantastic choice; his insane popularity—or pope-ularity, if some of your aforementioned friends miraculously held on—could quite possibly "stem the tide of secularization in the US and Europe" (source: Popdust).

A new study conducted by TGPES (The Great Popdust Etymological Society) confirms that Justin Bieber's reign would not only be religiously and universally sound, but also etymologically (the study of words according to TGPES) flawless. As it turns out, the letters "J-U-S-T-I-N-B-I-E-B-E-R" can be scrambled to form the phrase "Tribunes Jibe." Stay with us...


1. An official in ancient Rome chosen by the plebeians to protect their interests.


1. Change course by swinging fore-and-aft sail across a following wind.

2. Be in accord; agree.

Taking the second definition of the latter word, the phrase "Tribunes jibe" would seem to indicate that the leaders of the Roman people are in agreement over the choice of "Justin Bieber."

All hail Pope Justin I.