Dating in the computer age—There's Tinder, Grindr, Match, OkCupid, FarmersOnly, Beer Passions, Clown Lovers, Fetster, Craigslist Casual Encounters, Ashley Madison, Christian Mingle, JDate.... the list is endless.
Can you really swipe, click, match, wink your way to true love?
This week, we shine the spotlight on Adult Friend Finder.
AFF doesn't really have a slogan, but it ranks among the 100 most popular sites in the United States and is a major competitor to leading personals sites such as Match.com.
Fun Fact: Did you know the founder of Match lost his girlfriend to a guy she met on Match? Oh, the irony….
This week, I let my freak flag fly on Adult Friend Finder, or, what would actually be a more appropriate name, Lotta Dick Pics. It was basically scrolling through a sea of faceless heads, and therefore made it that much more difficult to find a guy my mom would most like me to date.
I mean, I was able to narrow it down to the circumcised, but, still I was faced with a vast ocean of c*ck, punctuated by the occasional rim shot. (see below)
But, being as intrepid as I am, I scrolled through the line up until I found the best and brightest AFF has to offer. And since I'm a gal who enjoys a good choke out, I looked forward to going under cover and meeting some like-minded deviants.
HOT TO NOT RATIO: Tied with Craigslist Casual Encounters For Highest Ick Factor
BEST PICK UP LINE: Are you from Japan? Because I'm trying to get in Japanties.
WORST PICK UP LINE: “I'm looking for a relationship." Which was accompanied by an extreme close up of his asshole. Gaad I wish I could show it, but Proactive wouldn't like that.
NUMBER OF CORRESPONDENCES IN ONE WEEK: 12
Approach/Chat Up Line: "I'm here for you." Oh, Jay. Tell me lies. Tell me sweet, little lies.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Jay is a man of few words, which left me nervously babbling to fill in the awkward silences and blurting out uncomfortable information—like I was molested by my uncle. And I don't even have an uncle..
Closing Skills: Vanished into the cyber dating ether. Obviously, he hates white people.
GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE:
Surely my mom would look right past the cold, dead eyes and menacing smile and only see that rm_emj310md is a doctor.
Approach/Chat Up Line: He's very sensual and blah blah blah.
Conversational Skills/Rapport: Likes the expression LOL. I hate that expression. Hate it.
Closing Skills: I'm pregnant. I think it may be mine.
Approach/Chat Up Line: I love the quiet arrogance of his profile opening line, and the three periods that invite the viewer to lavish praise upon him. Total pimp move.
Conversation Skills/Rapport: Not much of a talker, but I guess he warned me in his profile.
Closing Skills: What is going on in this picture? I think he might be jerking off. He's a Japanese guy who is "Turning Japanese." Also, is he double jointed? If so, I'm totally into it.
HELL TO THE NO GUY:
Approach/Chat Up Line: Something in Spanish.
Conversational Skills/Rapport: He doesn't speak English, I don't speak Spanish but we found our way. I think he said that I'm beautiful. Or maybe, ala Lindsay Lohan, that I'm a donkey.
Closing Skills: God bless this guy. I mean, he just did everything right. From the panties to the belly to the fact that he's a married non-smoker. The guy just nailed it (but not me...yet...)
BLOW BY BLOW DATE SUMMARY:
Ben likes to cross-dress, and since Adult Friend Finder is not a dating site per se, Ben and I didn't really go on a date—I invited him over to mine for “coffee."
“What? You let some weirdo from Adult Friend Finder come over to your house? Are you crazy?"
Crazy is a relative term, and this reckless behavior fuses nicely with my suicidal ideation.
What didn't fuse nicely was our respective fetishes. I was hoping for a 50 Shades of Grey type deal, and Ben just wanted to know what size shoe I wear.
I told him he might be able to fit into my pink Birkenstocks, and though he'd never attempted any shade of grey, he was willing to experiment.
So, after a forced and awkward closed-mouth kiss, I told him to put his hands around my throat. A tour de force of ineptitude followed, and I wound up being crumpled up like Stephen Hawking.
Why, it hearkened back to a time when I asked a non-dominant boyfriend to spank me.
I could feel him tentatively hovering above my cheeks, then finally, almost apologetically, strike me simultaneously with both hands, on both cheeks, like he was hitting the bongos.
The good news is that he did fit into my pink Birkenstocks.
Here's what I learned from AFF. You can't teach someone to have a fetish. To quote the great Chris Rock, “If you're a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead too, or it ain't gonna work."
Likewise. You don't wanna mix a cross dresser and a submissive. Sadly, I learned this the hard way.
Check back on Popdust every Friday for an all new foray into the singles world…next week—Christian Mingle….
In the meantime, you can read past Adventures In Dating here