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- Who cares about the Royal Baby? Trump's still president, William Barr's a lying liar who lies, and Nancy Pelosi's declaring a "constitutional crisis."
But on to the really important news this week: Society has proven once more that we love sticking our noses into strangers' emotional conflicts and watching their personal lives burn. It's not that we love or condone emotional violence—we're just terrible people who are glad not to be one of the following individuals.
1. No One Knew What "Camp" Meant at the Met Gala—but Neither Do We?
All we learned from this year's exclusive event is that its theme of camp isn't gender-bending fashion, Zendaya in a Cinderella dress, or Lady Gaga removing layers like she's melting from all the attention. It might be Lena Waithe's historic jacket, though.
2. Game of Thrones Doesn't Know How a Woman Thinks or Speaks or Acts or Survives
With its final season winding down, Game of Thrones seems to believe that women can't be strong without men and that people can suddenly see in the dark. With female characters showing poor development, weepy dependence on others for validation, and given deeply problematic lines, it's almost like the show...maybe...just isn't that good or worth the hype in the first place? Sorry, never mind me: I'm a "Never Seen an Episode and Don't Care" type of viewer, according to our writer's Dan Kahan's Game of Thrones quiz, "What Type of Viewer Are You?"
But on to the important questions: Was that or was that NOT a damn Starbucks cup in front of Dany?!
3. YouTube Gamers ProJared and JonTron Trended on Twitter
This man is an online "celebrity." Gaming YouTuber ProJared is apparently divorcing his wife, who, among other things, accused him of soliciting nude photos from his underage fans. Once again, this man earns his living by owning a YouTube account.
4. Honor the release of It: Chapter Two's trailer by buying your very own Pennywise!
We loved Stephen King's classic novel It, we enjoyed the film adaptation, and we maybe peed ourselves a little when the trailer for the sequel premiered this week. So in the vein of evil clown fandom, please consider purchasing this eBay seller's "Haunted 20 inch tall CLOWN Doll spirit Vessel. Supernatural Paranormal power."
Meet Ollie, "a spiritual hobo clown vessel that is 20 inches tall. Sometimes late at night you will hear talking in his room. We have seen Shadow figures all around him. Ollie the hobo like's to play with the car keys, like hiding them at times and putting them right back where you first looked for them, he is a joker. He also likes to play with the lights and TV remote, Radio and much more. I got his name from my spirit box voice recorder and confirmed it on my Ouija Board as Ollie."
5. Please Let This "Nice Man" Drive Your Car to Florida
Here at Popdust Internet Hell we usually feature one of Florida's gloriously dumb criminals, from posing as a police officer to pull over an actual police officer to smearing your own feces all over a public picnic table. But this week, we just want to spotlight this lovely Craigslist user who wants the best for you and your car and is maybe also fleeing the state: "➡ Nice Man Will Drive Your Car To South Florida"➡ Nice Man Will Drive Your Car To South Florida." Good luck, Michael!
Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.
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The Mueller Report is out. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD. Please adopt this adorable succubus. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD. Not all Florida cops are real. AQUAMAN SHAVED HIS BEARD.
1. Clueless Man Pretends to Be in Charge
Matthew Joseph Erris, from Pasco County, Florida, just wanted to be a police officer. Maybe he'd been dreaming of it since he was a little boy. Maybe that's why he put a police light bar on top of his Chevy Trailblazer, along with red and blue lights on its grill. Maybe that's why he flashed his fake police lights on Tuesday night and signaled the car in front of him to pull over; maybe he just believed in himself.
Unfortunately, as WFLA reported, he pulled over a real police officer, who was undercover when Erris stopped him. After reporting Erris and searching his car, the cop found found a "realistic looking" airsoft pistol in a holster. Impersonating an officer can result in up to five years in jail, but while Erris waits for his sentencing, at least he got to live his dream for a day.
"FLORIDA MAN PRETENDS TO BE A COP, PULLS OVER ACTUAL COP, GETS ARRESTED"
2. (A Different) Clueless Man Pretends to Be in Charge
If you want to understand the true, investigative essence of Robert Mueller's report on Donald Trump's alleged collusion, obstructions of justice, and most vicious firings on The Apprentice, turn to the art form of the meme. Twitter has graciously translated the most salient points of the 400-page report, which is mostly comprised of color-coded redactions. But that's fine; memes already proved we're living in a post-word society. The truth lies between the lines:
The redacted #MuellerReport is out! And this is what it reveals... # https://t.co/2C9djnIPZ3— MackMajor (@MackMajor)1555592805.0
THREAD: mueller report redactions as red carpet looks— danny nett (@danny nett)1555625671.0
3. Jason Momoa's Jawline Can Save the Planet
Prior to this week, the Aquaman actor hadn't shaved since 2012. He finally unleashed the divine light that is his bare face in order to "bring awareness" to the environmental damage caused by plastic bottles and promote a new line of "infinitely recyclable" aluminum cans. It's pro-active and honorable, but since he's even more handsome now, he could murder us all with his looks long before climate change does by 2050.
4. Craigslist Missed Connections
Throughout the politically-charged week, everyone was craving a little love. As for SJ (a.k.a. "boot girl"), she's just "Searching for: Boot Boy," and she's not letting a little limp slow her down. Also, have you Googled "twin flames" lately? It's a stupid idea; we believe it whole-heartedly.
5. eBay Has a Succubus for Sale
For only $49.99, you can purchase this "HAUNTED RING: SEXUAL SUCCUBUS! DOMINATE YOUR PERSONAL DEMON LOVER! INTENSE! " from the trusted seller mysticmagicks. With 98.9% positive feedback, Laci is a proud mother, wife, and practitioner of "the art of Magick." More importantly, she uses her powers for good, using eBay to "re-home" many of her "spirit children," which are "very dear" to her. Be careful with this ring, however, for it holds great orgasmic power.
Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.
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