Star Magazine has one of the most delightfully seedy tabloid tales in a while out this afternoon, a gripping yarn of Justin Bieber's (alleged) night of pleasure with a nursing student that (again, allegedly) ended his relationship with Selena Gomez for good.
This is, of course, good news and Radar Online treats it reverently, with some of the most purple prose we've seen this side of a pulp detective novel. Our favorite tidbits, below:
At the [Beverly Hills Four Seasons] hotel, the group [consisting of Bieber, Lil Twist and Mimi, his nursing-student hookup] smoked marijuana and drank a chemical concoction known as “sizzurp” throughout the night.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly has a taste for syrup.
From there, they went to the "Baby" singer’s $6.6 million Calabasas mansion, where Justin opened up about his fondness for tattoos and Xanax, as well as his plans to build a hookah room in the house.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly spills the details of his horrible prescription drug addictions to women he's just met.
After that, Justin held Mimi’s hand, and showed her the breathtaking view from his backyard.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly follows the Mufasa Strategy of foreplay.
“Justin surprised her by saying, ‘I want to know if you taste good.'"
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly likes to re-enact the pickup scene from the Long Good Friday.
"He started kissing her cheek and ear and neck and then her whole body,” the insider said. Then, the Biebs removed Mimi’s clothes and engaged in sexual activity with her.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly hooks up with girls in the vague, nonsensical language of health textbooks and Cialis ads.
Justin, who stayed clothed the entire time, ended things quickly after the marathon session, despite Mimi’s hopes he’d take things further.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly, well...if Radar's not going to say it maybe we can't either, but still. You get the picture. The man has some particular appetites.
“He seemed out of it, and even though he didn’t ask Mimi to leave, she decided she should go,” the source said, noting that Justin didn’t kiss her on the lips.
Yes, Justin Bieber allegedly follows the same hookup rules as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Maybe he'll have a similar happy ending?
Is any of this true? Probably not. But it's just so seedy, in such a specifically weird way, that we can't help enjoying the legend anyway.